Yet Still Even More Fragments!
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Started on a fifth one to keep the chapter numbers down. And man do I have a hard time NOT coming up with random ideas every five seconds!
1. Chapter 1

**In the Beginning**

O-Sensei had decided to retire, so he'd let himself be swept overboard in a storm. 'Like that would actually kill a martial artist.' Ranma chuckled.

Ranma sorted through the box of files that had been mailed to him three days after O-Sensei had 'Died.'

**An abandoned warehouse in Gotham...**

Batman froze in place for a moment, sensing a change in the environment and trying to identify it. His cape, cowl, and belt vanished a second later.

"A true martial artist must be ready to fight at any moment," a voice from the shadows said.

Bruce Wayne clenched his fists and did his best to push down his anger at whoever was using his dead sensei's words to taunt him, as he searched the darkened warehouse for his foe.

Ranma waited, cloaked in the umisenken, for Bruce to call in backup, something that O-Sensei's notes said he was unlikely to do unless pushed into a corner and with him unmasked there was only two people he'd call.

The air shimmered and Wonder Woman and Superman were suddenly there, teleported down from the watchtower, at some signal from Bruce.

"Bruce?" Wonder Woman asked, seeing him unmasked and wondering how it had happened.

Ranma dropped the umisenken and poured 89 percent of his chi into his next technique and hoped he'd gotten it right, otherwise... well he'd lose and that just wasn't an option.

Everyone winced at the flare of red light as a ball of red energy was shot into the air above them where it hung like a malevolent eye casting the scene in shadows and crimson.

Ranma flung himself towards the two new arrivals, even as Bruce rushed to join them.

Superman was ignored as Ranma swayed around Wonder Woman's first punch, snagging the lasso off her belt. Dodging back from a waist high kick that would have wrapped his stomach around his spine, he felt Superman's fist skid across his ribs, to no effect.

Kicking Superman into the onrushing Bruce, before he could get in any position to help the other two, he lassoed Wonder Woman with her own lasso and tied her up, rendering her powerless.

"The ball of energy is like a miniature red sun," Bruce warned, having seen the effect it had on Superman.

"Yeah, I figured that out myself," Superman replied wryly.

"Exactly right," Ranma agreed easily. "Now if you promise not to free Wonder Woman or interfere, you may watch, otherwise I'll have to render you unconscious."

"Just because I've lost my powers, doesn't mean I've lost the will to fight!" Superman swore, making Ranma smile.

"Excellent!" Ranma beamed. "But today's training isn't about you, it's about Bruce."

"Who are you?!" Bruce demanded.

"My name is Saotome Ranma," Ranma introduced himself with a polite bow. "But you may call me O-Sensei."

"What?!" the three heroes chorused.

"The torch has been passed," Ranma explained. "Now the previous O-Sensei was the kind of Sensei who taught through a thorough knowledge of Koans and Philosophical lessons, or what I like to call inscrutable bullshit." Ranma's right hand slapped at the air in front of him, moving fast enough to break the sound barrier as it was perpendicular with his chest. "That was the sound of one hand clapping. If it did not make the sound, then it didn't clap."

"What is the purpose of all this?" Batman asked bluntly.

"Introductions to my teaching style," Ranma explained. "I teach practical lessons and chi manipulation."

"Chi manipulation?" Superman asked just before Wonder Woman growled, "Then would you mind untying me?"

"Part of this lesson is going to be driving Bruce beyond the limits of his emotional control and I don't believe you would be able to stop yourself from interfering as I make him suffer an emotional breakdown," Ranma replied.

"And the reason we need to be here for this?" Superman asked.

"To show you both what an ordinary human is capable of," Ranma smirked, "and it'll help get you to take me seriously when I train you."

"I think we know full well what an 'ordinary' human is capable of," Superman said shaking his head.

Ranma laughed and flung a rubber ball off into the dark where it bounced several times before finding the light switch, just as the orb of chi Ranma had released earlier flickered out like he no longer needed it. No need to let them know how much time and effort he'd put up into this little lesson and how much of it was planned out by the former O-Sensei after all. "Bruce is about one of the laziest bastards I know," Ranma said shaking his head. "That butterball only does a half assed job as a martial artist."

"He's one of the world's top martial artists," Superman defended while Ranma flicked Bruce's nose.

"Hardly," Ranma snorted. "Fatty here," he ducked under Bruce's swing to flick his nose again a moment later, "limits himself to what he thinks a normal human is capable of and goes no further."

"Humans have limits," Bruce said yanking his head to the side so Ranma couldn't flick his nose only to discover that it was a feint as Ranma stomped on his foot.

"See what I mean? Lazy bastard thinks he knows the limitations of the human body better than centuries of martial arts knowledge." Ranma chuckled as he slapped Bruce in the face. "Besides being human is all about surpassing limits, not accepting them."

"What do you hope to accomplish by upsetting me?" Bruce asked, annoyed but not really upset by Ranma's actions.

"I'll tell you after I accomplish it, otherwise this is going to take forever," Ranma said giving Bruce a wedgie and easily dodging his retaliatory strikes. "What is your motivation?"

"I seek Justice," Bruce swore as Ranma gave him a noogie.

Wonder Woman and Superman watched in confusion as Ranma continually treated Bruce like he was a ninety-eight pound weakling and Ranma was a high school football player, though Superman did catch Ranma tapping bruce seemingly at Random points, too fast for Wonder Woman to see.

"Justice is an ideal not an emotion and while ideals are fine they aren't what actually moves people... So, what emotion moves you?" Ranma asked giving him a wet willie while tapping three points on his back.

"Shouldn't you know that already?" Bruce demanded annoyed, having just gotten a purple nurple.

"I do, I just wanted to make sure you did, before we get to the serious portion of the training," Ranma said solemnly.

"I know what motivates me," Bruce replied.

"Good, keep that emotion in mind, because now I'm going to break you," Ranma said with a nod.

Superman and Wonder Woman tensed but didn't interfere, Superman because he'd said he wouldn't and knew that growth required pain at times and Wonder Woman, because she was still tied up.

"Your mama's so stupid she thinks a light beer weighs less," Ranma said with a smirk.

If they weren't already sitting the two witnesses would have fallen over in shock. This was going to break Bruce, the most self controlled man they knew? But to their shock they could see Bruce was having a hard time not responding.

**Five minutes later...**

Ranma casually tossed Bruce over his shoulder. "And your father replied, did you hear any shooting?"

The two watchers were beyond shock at the moment. Bruce was fighting on a level neither had though a normal human could achieve, but he was also acting far more emotionally than they'd ever seen before.

"My mother is Dead! You sick bastard!" Bruce snarled at Ranma's latest torment.

"Guess that's why she didn't move much," Ranma replied thoughtfully.

Bruce struck and an explosion of flames covered Ranma for a moment before dispersing, leaving him with a lack of suitable attire and looking like he had a sunburn, while Bruce was left on his knees, exhausted and cradling his right fist.

"Nice shield," Bruce said numbly as he sat there.

"What shield?" Ranma asked.

"That black fire shield," Bruce replied and looked up, taking in Ranma's condition for the first time. "What happened to you?"

Ranma just grinned. "It wasn't a shield."

"But my hand?" Bruce said holding up a blistered right hand.

"A man who sets out to seek revenge..." Ranma began.

"Must first dig two graves, one for his enemy and one for himself," Bruce finished confused.

"That's right, because vengeance is a form of anger that harms the one who wields it," Ranma explained. "That was a chi blast born of vengeance."

"But I'm not a metahuman," Bruce protested weakly.

"Who said you needed to be?" Ranma snorted. "You seem to believe that being human is a limiting factor when the opposite is true. There is nothing a human can't accomplish if they work for it. I can pick up a car and throw it, not because of some quirk in my genes, but because I, a normal human being, worked for it and ignored anyone telling me it was impossible."

"So Bruce can set people on fire now?" Superman asked fascinated.

"Not yet," Ranma replied. "I opened up his chi pathways and enhanced his emotions to pull this off, besides the flames-of-vengeance is a very dangerous technique to the wielder as well as the target. I figure a good year and a half of training is needed just to break his habit of being lazy!"

"Glad to hear it," Wonder Woman finally spoke up. "Could someone untie me now?!"

**Present day**

Batman stepped into the training room and felt a sudden draft as he was suddenly bereft of everything but his underwear and cowl. "What's the training for today and more importantly, what's the recovery time?"

Ranma grinned as a forest formed around them and he tied raw steaks to Batman. "You will be carrying a sofa for a little jog and the recovery time depends on if you can keep ahead of the wolves."

"Wolves?" Batman asked paling.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Wonder Woman passed Shyera the popcorn as they watched Batman run carrying a sofa while Ranma relaxed on top of it ignoring the wolves just a couple of feet behind them.

"Even my people don't train this hard," Shyera said impressed.

"Um hmm," Wonder Woman replied absently her eyes glued to Batman's rear.

"I understand why Batman isn't wearing any, but where's Ranma's pants?" Shyera asked.

**Options**

1. More training! the path of a Justice League member is fraught with peril!

2. To the mall of shopping with K'ontour and Raven.

3. Ranma returns to the Tendo's

4. Something else.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	2. Chapter 2

**Unintended Consequences**

The pain had been unbearable! His head still ached from whatever had happened. It felt as though his skull had been split by a railroad tie centered on his jagged, cursed, lightning shaped, scar. Then came the flames, the feeling as though he was in the center of the sun as his agony exploded from his chest.

His thoughts were dazed, unclear, unable to form coherent thoughts. He lay there breathing, empty eyes staring at the ceiling. He tried to remember what he had been doing to put him in this state. Slowly, frustratingly so, his memory returned; a flash of his bed in the fifth year dorm, a book that Hermione had foisted upon him from the library, almost falling asleep and then the whole thing came rushing back to him.

He had been attempting to approach occlumency from another perspective. Hermione had suggested meditation to achieve the clearing of his mind, something Snape had harped on about, without issuing even the most basic of instruction beyond yelling at him and then slamming his magic into Harry's mind like a bull in a china shop.

It had felt really funny, he'd been on the edge of falling asleep as he focused on his breathing slowly drawing away from what was going around outside him, and then repeating the process to block off his awareness of his limbs. The hardest part was remembering what he'd been trying to do through the whole process, that and not falling asleep. The book had mentioned that most people took several weeks of trying each night before getting to this point, and he'd somehow managed it in three nights.

He remembered finding himself in front of something that resembled the pictures of the sun he'd seen in muggle school. He stared at an angry ball of energy, warmth rolling off it towards him, it was composed of two colors, green and gold, with one color chasing the other like a massive yin-yang symbol. Harry wasn't quite sure what the whole thing symbolized, the colors or the ball of energy, but he knew immediately that the jagged mass of black goop that looked like it was trying to latch onto it and only barely held back by a dim red mesh wasn't a good thing.

The other thing he noticed was a braided cord of green and gold going from around the area of his belly button up towards the ball of energy. The gold cord looks damaged compared to the green, and without realizing it Harry had the cord in his hands. Stupid really he had a manual that he could have stopped to read and look for any information on this phenomenon, but instead he just started doing without stopping to think.

He wasn't sure how long he'd focused on forcing the gold cord to strengthen and thicken, but he was trembling from exertion and sweat dripped from his forehead, sometime during the process the jagged mass of black had been shredded by angry flares from the ball of energy. His vision was dimming and he felt himself blacking out a few times while working, He'd thought it was just due to the effort he'd put in but given how he felt, maybe he was wrong there too.

The sun was guttering wildly, no longer two distinct separate colors but a muddied mess of grass-stain greenish yellow. As the ball that once held a blazing warmth grew dark, he had felt an icy cold seep into his limbs and trickle towards his chest. And for a moment, just a moment, he thought he saw a cloaked figure carrying a scythe.

Just when he thought he'd be joining his parents the cold dark ball made as if it to implode before a shudder pulsed through it and a single note like that of crystal bell sounded out causing it to explode into a fiery supernova just before he found himself blacking out.

His self reflection ended, Harry forced his eyes to open and made as if to sit up before he felt something stir on his chest, his shirt from the night before lay scattered in ashes around him. Carefully tilting his head to look down at his chest there was a baby phoenix colored golden with large green eyes and the edges of it's feathers a rich emerald green.

The skin on his chest underneath the phoenix twinged with lingering pain as though he'd been burned but felt like the burn had already healed over days ago. He sat there staring into the eyes of the bird on his chest and feeling completely content and happy and maybe for the first time loved, not for what had happened before he could even talk, but simply because he was Harry. For a moment as Harry stared into the eyes of the phoenix he thought he could see himself staring back at him.

"Wow," someone said from his left breaking the spell as he looked over to see Neville sitting on his bed looking over at Harry and the golden-green phoenix on his chest.

Harry looked back at the phoenix, and it winked at him before disappearing in a flash of green and gold.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The phoenix had returned to his bed each night, curling up on his chest as if it had never left for the next two days before he had to return to Snape's office for one of the unwanted torture sessions. But this time, even though he was anxious about the coming meeting and afraid of what would happen if Snape dug into his memories and discovered the phoenix, he felt the green bird in his mind pushing aside those feelings and filling him with confidence and reassurance.

He steeled himself and walked into the room where Snape barely looked up from his desk before growling, "Have a seat, Potter."

After a few minutes of the sound of Snape's quill scratching on student papers, Snape stood up and proceeded to empty strands of memory into the stone basin that he pulled out of a cabinet and set on his desk.

When the potions professor had finished, he put the pensieve back into the cabinet and turned back towards Harry.

"Stand up Potter, we shall see if you are yet trainable," the professor spoke through gritted teeth.

Harry obeyed moving away from the lab table and into the open space in front of the professor's desk without giving any more acknowledgement of the command than his actions. Snape sent a colloportus charm at the door and turned back towards Harry.

"Clear your mind Potter," Snape snarled pointing his wand at the young teen and then shouting, "_**Legilimens!**_"

Harry felt molten heat surge up from his chest and into his eyes, it didn't hurt just felt like an almost too warm hug only on the inside; and he heard phoenix song trilling, almost mockingly happy, making him want to smirk. But he suppressed the smirk and watched as potions master stumbled backwards clutching his eyes and screaming.

Snape stumbled towards his desk and in between agonized breaths snarled, "get—out—Potter."

Harry shrugged before casting finite at the door and leaving the office.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Neville finally worked up the courage to go over and sit next to Harry as the gold and green phoenix flamed in again for it's nightly nap on Harry's chest.

"Hi Neville," Harry said grinning at the other young man.

Neville nervously shifted before squeaking, "H-hi, Harry."

Harry continued to gently scratch the phoenix just above the wings. "Need anything, Neville?"

"N-no," the boy shuffled before working his courage back up and asking, "Can I?" motioning towards the phoenix on Harry's chest.

"Sure," Harry said his embarrassment having faded since the first night after the phoenix returned and flamed Harry's night shirt off before getting comfortable.

Neville carefully stroked the phoenix as if afraid it would turn on him before asking, "What's its name?"

Harry froze and looked at the phoenix for a moment before replying, "You know mate, I never thought to give him one."

The bird made a noise that sounded like it was laughing at them.

Harry looked at it some before asking the bird, "What's your name, huh?"

It returned his stare and he felt like he was looking into the eyes of a guardian knight like one from the stories he'd snuck into the library to read.

"Edmund, then," Harry said remembering one such character by the name and receiving a trill of acceptance in response.

"Where'd he come from, Harry?" Neville asked in awe at the phoenix on his friend's chest.

"Dunno really, mate, was trying something last week with that book Hermione forced on me and next thing I know I'm waking up and there he is," Harry said pointing at the bird on his chest.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry stood there staring at the Gargoyle, wondering how he was supposed to get in to meet with Dumbledore like he'd requested without the bloody password.

"I don't suppose you'd let me just go on up?" Harry said to the Gargoyle with a skeptical eye. The gargoyle just remained silent and motionless. "Hmmph."

After what must have been several minutes Professor McGonagall walked up the corridor and looked at him askance before asking, "Mr. Potter, what are you doing out here?"

"The Professor asked me to meet with him about some lessons I was taking, but forgot to give me the password, Professor McGonagall," Harry replied.

Professor McGonagall looked at him as though she were weighing his words to see if he was up to something. "Very well then Mr. Potter," she said before turning to the gargoyle and saying the pass phrase as though it was she were embarrassed, "Fizz Wiz."

Professor McGonagall turned to him and said, "Go on up Mr. Potter. I'm only delivering some paperwork in person."

As soon as her papers were on the desk she turned and left the room without a second glance at Harry.

"Sir? You wanted to see me?" Harry asked.

"Harry my boy, Professor Snape tells me you haven't been to this week's occlumency lesson."

Before he could reply Harry felt the warmth again moving up into his eyes and watched as Dumbledore cringed and sat back into his chair gasping, "I see."

Dumbledore sat back stunned, It felt like staring into a solid gold and green sun trying to use legilimency on Harry and that was the wandless wordless version, He'd hate to have tried the full spell like Snape did.

"See what, Prof—" Harry started to say before a flash of green interrupted him and Edmund settled onto his shoulder staring at Dumbledore as though daring him to try again.

Before Dumbledore could say anything Fawkes looked up from his perch and trilled before flaming to the desk in front of Harry and the other phoenix, looking back and forth between the two as though trying to figure out what was going on and then throwing back his head and letting out a melody of happy phoenix song.

To Harry it looked as though the weight of many years lifted from Dumbledore's shoulders as the older wizard relaxed into the chair with a nostalgic half-smile, and as Fawkes' song ended the weight seemed to come back, but lessened.

After a few moments of silence, Harry stood and left the office with Fawkes riding on his other shoulder, leaving Dumbledore to his thoughts as it appeared he would get no more out of the older man this night.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry glared at the toadish woman as she handed him the quill. "What about ink, professor?" he asked.

"You won't be needing any, Potter, the quill will provide," the pink cardigan wearing woman replied with a sickly sweet tone.

Harry nodded and put the pen to the paper, wincing with the first line, as it cut into the back of his hand. He paused and looked up at Umbridge sitting behind her desk now with a fuzzy pink quill in her hands. He looked down at the paper and saw the spot where he'd written starting to smoke, then he looked at the quill the tip beginning to glow. "Professor?" he asked. "Is it supposed to do that?"

"Do what dear?" Umbridge said in the same sickly sweet tone without looking up, before the smell of burnt feathers started to fill the room and she looked up in alarm and yelled, "What have you done boy!"

"Nothing professor," Harry said shoving the quill at her, its tip now bright red, a thin trail of vaporous smoke rising from it. The parchment he'd written on turning dark and curling up as though on fire.

"Get out! Get out you silly boy!" she howled at him, staring at the smouldering quill in morbid fascination and muted horror.

Harry left grumbling something about being kicked out of all his detentions and wondering what the point was if he was just going to be kicked out.

**Fragment by: Stephenopolos**

**DBC's note: He wrote and typed this one up.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A Change of Venue 2**

"Of course, he copied his DNA and Beast Boy's powers are derived from his DNA," John said.

"Cool!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "Do a howler monkey!"

Beast Boy and Cyborg quickly turned into howler monkeys and screeched happily at one another.

"Oh god, there's two of them," Robin moaned and everyone retreated indoors to escape the noise.

"So what were the other reasons for choosing Beast Boy?" Raven asked, the empath knowing there was more than what was said.

"If I did Robin, it would expose his face," John pointed out, "which he wouldn't like."

"True," Robin agreed.

"Why not choose Cyborg?" Raven asked.

"Because he can't copy his own DNA, so he's out."

"And me?" Raven asked.

"Emotion activated powers that I have no experience with," John said. "I'll pass."

"Same for me?" Starfire asked.

John shifted back into himself and held out a hand for Starfire to take, which she did curiously, shaking her head a second later.

John transformed into Starfire, frowning and moving his shoulders around before unbuttoning his top a bit. "This feels... strange."

"You do not like being me?" Starfire asked.

"Being female is completely outside my experience," John said. "It feels different, not bad, and I have the strangest urge to take a shower and try out the pulsating shower head."

Starfire beamed. "Would you like me to help you?"

"Please," her doppelganger said.

Robin and Raven watched as the two vanished down the hall.

"Am I dreaming?" Robin asked.

Raven shook her head. "From what I know of you, you lack the capacity to dream all this up."

**Later...**

"Dude, you catch on quick," the uniformed Beast Boy told his t-shirt wearing twin.

"Probably 'cause I've seen you do it so many times," Cyborg said, "and I gotta say, being you rocks!"

"It is a pretty sweet gig," the green teen admitted.

"Where'd everyone go?" Cyborg asked, seeing Robin and Raven drinking tea and watching the news.

"John and Starfire are sharing a shower as she teaches him how to use the pulsating shower head on her body, as he's copied her form," Robin said.

"And you're not upset?" Beast Boy asked.

"As Raven has pointed out, and I have to agree with her, we don't know a lot about Tamarian culture, so it's entirely possible I've been giving her the equivalent of blue balls just by my normal behavior," Robin admitted.

"Or making out with your identical twin is a Tamarian fetish," Raven offered.

"Twin naked soapy Starfires?" the two green Titans muttered, getting a far off look in their eyes.

"Apparently it's their fetish," Raven said dryly.

"It's a pleasant mental image," Robin admitted.

"...yes," Raven agreed. "I don't have to be gay to admire beauty."

"True," Robin said as he sipped his tea.

"So what are you going to do?" Beast Boy asked, recovering quicker than his twin as he had more experience with his libido.

"Be more aggressive and ask her about her peoples' customs," Robin said.

"You're taking this a lot better than I would," Cyborg said.

"Batman taught me a lot about self-control, but it helps that she is her twin right now," Robin admitted.

"It would, wouldn't it?" Beast Boy pondered thoughtfully.

"- I did not know I was so flexible," Starfire said as she and John returned.

"You never know until you try," John replied cheerfully before resuming his normal form.

"Tired of being me?" Starfire asked.

"No, I was nearing the hour limit so I changed back," John explained.

"Hour limit?" Cyborg asked.

"Yeah, normally if you hold a morph for more than an hour you get stuck in it."

"Shouldn't you be panicking?" Beast Boy asked Cyborg.

"Why?" Cyborg asked. "I'm not only fully organic, I also have your powers. What's not to like?"

"True," Beast Boy agreed smugly.

"Plus, the hour limit is since your last shape shift," John explained. "So since Beast Boy can shape shift as well..."

"I can ignore the limit while in his form as long as I shift sometime within an hour of changing back using his ability," Cyborg said excitedly.

"Yep, so let's see your human form," John said.

"How?" Cyborg asked.

"Just imagine being human and it'll do the rest," John promised.

"Ok," Cyborg agreed nervously before closing his eyes and concentrating.

The Titans waited breathlessly as Cyborg's skin darkened and his form filled out, transforming into how he would have been had he never been injured when he was younger.

"Am I ... complete?" Cyborg asked, eyes still closed.

"And uncircumcised," Raven confirmed, as he was still wearing only a shirt that, while covering him fine as Beast Boy, was much too small to cover him as himself.

"Woohoo!" Cyborg cheered, sweeping Raven up in a hug, her cloak wrapping around both their lower bodies seemingly of its own volition.

"So what's the cost of fixing Cyborg?" Robin asked, bringing everyone back down to Earth.

"That's up to him," John said with a shrug. "I have tech that is from a long ways away in space and time for him to look at. He's finished whenever he decides he's paid me back. He's a good guy, so it's strictly honor system."

"What technology?" Cyborg asked curiously, not noticing that he hadn't put Raven down.

"My ship, the: Restricted Entry - Time and Relative Dimensions in Space," John said.

"What do you want done?" Cyborg asked.

"That's up to you," John replied. "I know little to nil about tech, I just know people. So I'll trust you."

"So one body restoration for pimping your ride?" Beast Boy asked.

"I did far more than just restore his body," John said. "I have given him the Andalite morphing ability. Any injury he has, he can heal instantly by changing forms and that includes missing limbs. At a touch, he can copy DNA and be someone else for an hour or so, and that includes animals and aliens."

"Whoa!" Beast Boy said.

"And not only that, I'm letting him copy any of my tech he likes, so I expect Cyborg to be one happy camper with this deal."

"Can we see inside your ship?" Robin asked.

"Sure, everyone follow me," John said, waving for them to follow.

As they approached the police box, Beast Boy asked, "Is it really a TARDIS?"

"I wish," John replied. "Nah. See, I stole a Death Star from an evil empire, removed the weapon systems, and stuffed it into a TARDIS-like casing or rather I got a higher being to do it for me. You're really better off not asking about that, trust me."

"Ok," Beast Boy replied as the doors opened at their approach and they stepped aboard the RETARDIS.

"Good golly, Miss Molly!" Cyborg exclaimed, still carrying Raven, as he saw the main view screen which was showing an architectural view of the ship.

"What?" Raven asked, feeling his shock.

"You could fit the entire population of Earth onto this!" he exclaimed.

"Really?" she asked, stunned.

"Easily," Cyborg said in wonder. "Imagine a building the size of the moon. That's what we're standing in."

"Holy..." Beast Boy's eyes took up half his face.

"I was sorta given three wishes. This was one of them," John said. "Crewed by clones and androids that are happy not to be at war and programmed to obey the chain of command... which is basically me at top."

"And you chose... this?" Robin asked.

"I requested being of the blood of Amber, which was refused, followed by a TARDIS, which also got a big no, so I settled for getting a space, but not time, ship and decided to make sure I'd have all the closet space I'd ever need while depriving one evil empire of a weapon of mass destruction."

"And a cast of thousands," Beast Boy said, watching the clones and droids go about their work.

"Yeah, quite a change from their destiny in their home universe, where they were doomed to die when the rebels blew up the Death Star."

"And what do you want me to work on?" Cyborg asked.

"Whatever you choose," John replied. "I trust your judgment in these things."

"How long do I have before you have to take off?" Cyborg asked.

"I have no plans or schedule," John replied. "I don't plan on leaving Earth, so I should probably sell some tech or other to WayneTech so I have local money."

"I'll take care of that," Cyborg said, waving it off.

"So anyone who improves your tech can use the Andalite cube?" Robin asked.

"No, but if you guys want to acquire the morphing ability then I have no objections. Just don't tell anyone where you got it from. Deal?"

"Deal," the Titans agreed.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Changes**

"Naruto Uzumaki?" a one-eyed man dressed in strange clothes said, surprising the three genin who hadn't noticed the man approach the bridge they had claimed for their team meeting place.

"Who's asking?" Naruto demanded, kunai in hand.

"No time, I have only a few minutes to give you as much information as possible," he said. "Let's start with your bloodline."

"He has a bloodline?" Sakura asked doubtfully.

The one-eyed man ignored her. "You are a mainline Uzumaki," he said. "That means fast healing and longevity aren't your only gifts."

"Longevity?" Naruto asked.

"It takes longer for you to get old," he quickly summed up. "Of course, Uzumaki are noted for rushing in where other people are cautious, so it's never been obvious."

Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves but when he attempted to put a hand on the man's shoulder it passed right through.

"Now, as a mainline Uzumaki you also have the ability to make chains with your chakra, and you're wind natured like your father," he explained

"Stop!" Kakashi ordered, before pulsing his chakra to find and tear the genjutsu that he figured was hiding this man.

"Who are my parents?" Naruto begged.

"The third Hokage knows but swore to your father he wouldn't tell you until you could protect yourself from his enemies," the one-eyed man explained.

"I-I…" Naruto fell silent.

"Anyway, back on track. Figure out how to make chains with your chakra and you can restrain ninja with them. Start learning seals too, it's in your blood from both Uzumaki and Senju lines."

"He's related to the Senju?!" Sasuke blurted out.

Kakashi scanned the area, looking for the hidden ninja.

"Kakashi won't train you, not because he's malicious, but because he's an idiot," the one-eyed man said.

"Hey!" Kakashi protested.

"He was a genius who made jounin in a ridiculous amount of time, but that doesn't mean he knows how to train people, plus he has some warped idea about keeping you as kids longer and preserving your childhood that just makes it more likely that you'll die, and it's not like you or Sasuke had much of a childhood anyway."

"Huh," Naruto said thoughtfully.

"You get the memories of shadow clones when they disperse," he told Naruto. "So if you have five shadow clones walking one mile each, how far have they covered?"

"Five miles?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"No, only one mile," he corrected him, "but in five different directions, while you walk a sixth. That's a hint, by the way."

"I'm confused," Naruto said.

"You can learn a number of different subjects at once, but not a bunch about one specific topic, using shadow clones. I'd suggest spying on everyone's training, and using henge to get access to places that aren't very helpful to you."

"Who are you, and where are you?" Kakashi demanded.

"Oh, and letting Sakura hit you will lead to her death as she lets her temper get away from her and gets killed for it."

"What?!" Sakura and Naruto chorused.

"Of course, to save her life you'll have to kick the crap out of her every time she hits you until she learns to control her temper. That would require you deliberately goading her into it and ruin any chance you have of dating her, so I doubt you'll do it."

"I'll do it!" Naruto swore. "For Sakura's life's sake, I will do it, I promise, and I never go back on my word!"

"My time's up, live well," the one-eyed man said before vanishing.

"Well, that was surreal," Kakashi said, adjusting his headband to cover up his Sharingan eye before someone noticed.

"Kakashi-sensei, do you know who my parents are?" Naruto asked.

"I'm not at liberty to say," Kakashi replied.

"I'm not asking you to tell me," Naruto said, "I'm just asking if you know."

Kakashi winced, but Naruto just smiled.

"Just making sure jiji ain't the only one," Naruto said.

**AN: If you had three minutes to make changes to the timeline what would you say?**

**Typing by: Elrod Albino**


	5. Chapter 5

**NRM Sensei-less**

"Let me get this straight," Nabiki said. "You went to the Hokage's tower and returned with a mission scroll?"

"It's not my fault!" Mihoshi whined.

"Not like we really need a sensei anyway," Ranma said, absently opening the scroll and reading it.

"We may not need him for learning jutsu, but I'm pretty sure he'd come in handy for completing missions," Nabiki said sarcastically.

Ranma handed her the scroll to read.

Nabiki read the scroll. "Then again, I could be wrong."

"Did I miss something?" Mihoshi asked.

"Nabiki forgot how easy D-rank missions are," Ranma replied. "We can handle these easily."

"Someone's going to figure out that we don't have a sensei eventually," Nabiki said.

"If we can get enough missions done before then, they'll probably assign us a new sensei rather than send an experienced team back to the academy," Ranma pointed out.

"That's not a bad plan," Nabiki said as she considered it.

"So, I did good?" Mihoshi asked, hope coloring her tone.

"You did good," the pigtailed martial artist assured her before getting caught in a glomp by the happy blonde.

"Let's go see the vet," Nabiki said once she'd calmed Mihoshi down.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma knocked on the door to the animal clinic and a young woman in a chunin vest answered the door. Speaking loudly to be heard over the myriad animal noises behind her, she asked, "You the genin team I requested?"

"Yeah," Ranma said loudly. "Show us to the dogs."

"I'm Hana," she said, extending a hand.

Ranma shook her hand, both of them instinctively putting enough strength to crack a walnut into it. "I'm Ranma, this is Nabiki, and Mihoshi."

Hana waved for them to follow her. "I have a bunch of stuff to do and some dogs who need personal attention." She led them through the back of the clinic and into the Inuzuka compound proper, which housed the kennels of the specially bred Inuzuka hounds.

It was a lot quieter outside the vet's office despite the number of dogs, many of which were barking or growling.

"I need someone to walk the twins," Hanna said as two large, black dogs came forward, carrying their own leashes. "Their partner is in the hospital and they've been driving everyone nuts wanting to go out."

"I'll do it," Mihoshi said, instantly folding to their puppy-dog-eyes-jutsu. She quickly attached their leashes to their collars and let them lead her off.

"They're going to drag her all over the place," Hana predicted as she showed Ranma and Nabiki to the next kennel. Of course, being an Inuzuka kennel it looked more along the lines of being a bachelor pad than an animal enclosure.

An enormous old dog that looked to be a combination of wolf and German shepherd was watching TV, his Hitai-ate covering his left eye as he lounged on a beat up sofa.

"This is Nodachi. His partner died about a decade ago, but he followed her last request and has helped train and protect the clan since then."

"I can speak for myself," the dog said in a dry voice, lifting his greying muzzle off his paws.

"Yeah, but generally you like to act mute around outsiders," Hana said.

"He smells... interesting," Nodachi admitted. "'Course, he also smells like he's been mounting his twin sister."

"I don't have a twin sister," Ranma growled, not needing any more rumors being spread about him.

"I think he's confused by the fact that you put out female pheromones when female and they stick to you and your clothes when you turn male again," Nabiki interceded before an argument could start.

"Never ran into that before," Nodachi said. "Have a seat and tell me about yourself."

Ranma dropped onto the sofa next to the old hound as Hana and Nabiki left. "Not much to say really. I'm an orphan, change sex with water, the usual."

The dog barked out a laugh. "An orphan isn't too unusual, but changing sex is unheard of, especially with water."

Ranma's stomach growled loudly.

"Hungry?" Nodachi asked, amused.

"It has been a couple of hours since I ate," the genin admitted.

"I'd take you out for lunch, but the pups around here think I'm too old to go for a walk outside the compound without half a dozen minders," the old dog admitted with a sigh. "And it's too much trouble to sneak out most times."

"I can handle sight, but smell would give us away," Ranma agreed.

"Smell's easy, you just need to manipulate the air around you. It gets a bit warm, but it can cover your smell for a couple of blocks from all but the best trackers," Nodachi said.

"Sight's easy, but it's a clan technique," Ranma said. "No one outside my team knows about it."

"I can keep my muzzle shut if it'll lead to some decent steak for lunch," he promised, licking his lips. "The kibble they feed me may be nourishing, but it tastes like crap."

"I'll have to carry you while I use it," Ranma said.

"I'm bigger than you and you need to be real close for my technique to work," Nodachi said. "So why don't I carry you?"

"Sure you can handle it, old timer?" Ranma challenged with a grin.

"Just try not to fall off, junior."

**Five minutes and four blocks later...**

Ranma and Nodachi walked out of a dark alley.

"Not bad," Nodachi admitted. "As long as you stick to rock, trailing you would require one of my clan."

Ranma's stomach growled, startling one of the nearby civilians.

"Follow me. I have standing reservations at the Akamichi Steakhouse," the dog said with a chuckle as they headed for the restaurant district.

The Akamichi at the front door greeted Nodachi like an old friend, "Hey, old wolf, who let you off your chain?"

Nodachi laughed. "Emery, you old butcher, still got my table?"

"Of course. Been a while since you came by."

"The young pups have got it in their heads that I should stay at home and eat kibble," he replied as they entered the restaurant. The early crowd was only just filtering in.

Emery snorted. "I hear that all too often. Emery, that can't be good for your blood pressure. Emery, you should try some oatmeal. The only thing raising my blood pressure is them interfering with my meals."

"Oatmeal's good," Ranma argued. "Put a fifth of a cube of butter in it and crumble up half a pound of bacon and it's the perfect thing to eat for breakfast."

"That does sound good," Emery admitted as they passed through a curtain into a back room that smelled of years of whiskey and cigar smoke. "I"ll do that the next time they pull that on me."

A number of grey haired old jounin, often missing bits, were scattered around a large room that looked more like a bar than a restaurant.

"Your usual?" Emery asked.

"Yeah, easy on the ice," Nodachi said, as he leapt up on a chair that was wider and higher than a human would use, putting him almost level with the table.

"Three steaks medium rare, two boneless chicken, and a quart of milk," Ranma ordered.

"Can you eat all that?"

Ranma's stomach growled loudly and there was an edge to it.

"Did I just feel killing intent coming from your stomach?" Emery asked in shock.

"It gets cranky when people doubt it," Ranma admitted.

"So what's my task?" Nabiki asked.

Hana opened the door to a large room filled with bits of rope and bowls of water and food everywhere.

"Clean the room?" Nabiki guessed.

"Nope. You get to entertain the puppies while their mothers are in for their checkups," Hana said as a dog drug in a wagon filled with little brown bundles of fur.

**Options:**

* "Puppies!" Nabiki squealed, buried under a flood of cuteness. "You'll get them from my cold, dead hands!"

* "Stop dragging me!" Mihoshi squealed, causing the two dogs to stop on top of the hot springs, standing on the water while she sank.

* "And they say I wolf down food," Nodachi chuckled as Ranma inhaled his lunch.

* "Since team nine's sensei is out of commission, do we need to assign them another?"

"No. It appears they impressed a retired Inuzuka jounin who volunteered to take his place. One Nodachi Inuzuka."

* Something Else!

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Clipped**

"I like my girls in spandex," Xander remarked as Buffy and Willow cooed over a poofy princess dress.

"As if!" Buffy shot back while shaking the dress. "And I don't see you picking something that revealing."

"Can't afford it," Xander admitted. "Or I would wear something manly and uncovering."

"Really?" Buffy asked doubtfully making Willow wince.

"I've got two dollars to my name at the moment," Xander said a bit bitterly. "Not all of us have parents who see holidays as a reason to celebrate or spend money on their kids."

"Two dollars," the shop's proprietor said, startling the teens. "She picks out something revealing and manly, and I'll let it go for a flat two. You up for it?"

"Sure," Xander agreed, "as long as it's manly by a man's definition and not some poofy shirt girly crap that they claim is manly."

"Errol Flynn was manly and he wore poofy shirts," buffy said, making Willow groan. "What?"

"He was a Nazi Spy or at least a sympathizer," Xander said with a scowl.

"And he was a poofter," the shopkeeper added. "Ethan Rayne," he introduced himself receiving the teens names in turn.

"What's a poofter?" Buffy asked.

"Gay," Xander replied.

"Well... that doesn't mean he wasn't manly," Buffy said firmly.

Ethan and Xander exchanged looks and shrugged.

"He had balls," Xander admitted. "But he was also evil scum who I don't want to dress like, regardless of orientation."

"How about He-Man?" Buffy asked.

"Ahh, the traditional fur loincloth leather harness and sword look," Xander said. "I always joked it was the gay barbarian in bondage look, but it is manly, says so right in the name."

"Sadly I lack that and Conan, upon which it was based," Ethan admitted. "The closest I have is Hawkman."

"Bondage harness with tight pants," Xander said. "That isn't a bad idea."

Buffy saw the far off look in Willow's eyes and grinned. "Feel up to it, Xan?"

"If it fits, I'll wear it," Xander promised.

"I'll go get it," Ethan said vanishing into the back only to appear a minute later with a large and bulky package.

"That looks like a lot more than a harness and pants," Buffy said, seeing the size of the bag.

"He's called Hawkman because of the wings," Xander told her, passing Ethan two dollars. "They are attached to the harness. Thanks, man," he said sincerely.

"Don't sweat it, my parents were skinflints too," Ethan waved it off.

"Do you have a Hawkwoman outfit?" Buffy asked, getting an idea.

"I should," Ethan agreed. "But I thought you were going as a princess?"

"I doubt even my mom would spring for a two hundred dollar costume," Buffy admitted. "However I was thinking Willow could dress as Hawkwoman."

"It's only forty to rent for the night," Ethan pointed out, "Fifty with insurance. Let me get the Hawkgirl outfit for your friend to look at while you decide."

"I was planning on going as a ghost," Willow said absently, obviously interested.

"Hawkgirl is a good costume without being too revealing," Xander encouraged her. "Come on, be my wife for one night?"

"Ok," Willow agreed instantly. "I'll take it," she told Ethan when he returned before he could open the garment bag.

"And I'll rent the princess outfit with insurance," Buffy added.

"Excellent," Ethan said. "Let me ring everything up."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Why does your outfit come with a red and blonde wig?" Buffy asked.

"There are two different versions of the character," Willow explained. "Ones a reincarnated princess and the other is an alien."

"Dibs on the red wig!" Dawn said.

"It's not one I'll need," Willow admitted, handing it to Dawn who put it on under her cowboy hat. "You look good as a redhead."

"Thanks," Dawn said.

"So you decided on Cowboy over ninja?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, but I'm keeping the throwing stars," Dawn said adjusting a bandolier of stars. "You can never have too many weapons."

"True," Buffy agreed, making Willow giggle as she put on the blonde wig.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Joyce opened the door and paused, her eyes running up and down the barely dressed figure in front of her. "Did someone order me a stripper?"

"Evening Mrs. Robinso-I mean Summers," Xander said blushing beneath his mask, and visibly down across his chest as all he wore was a leather harness across it with a black and yellow hawk's head symbol in the center.

"Xander? You're a Stripper?!" she exclaimed in shock.

"It's my costume, I'm a superhero," Xander stuttered out, Joyce's sudden pout making his black leather pants feel a size smaller.

"Come in," Joyce said, blushing heavily as she turned away. "I'm going to go get some coffee. Girls! Xander's here!" she called out before retreating into the kitchen.

"Be right down!" Buffy yelled back, over Dawn's excited squeal.

Xander adjusted himself, happy to find that leather pants did a good job of concealing his, ahem, condition. "Suddenly stripper seems like a great part time job," Xander muttered softly.

"Xander!" Buffy called out pausing at the head of the stairs. She gave a quick once over and wondered if there was a way to get Angel to dress like that.

"Xander!" Dawn yelled, face a bright red after she spotted him and only a quick grab by Buffy prevented her from falling. Willow was just a step behind and Buffy had to work to keep Dawn and Willow from tripping as they zoned out going down the stairs.

"You girls look magnificent!" Xander said cheerfully. "Wills, you make a good Shiera and I see you are going for the traditional blonde alien version."

"The latest version where she's a redhead loses their back story," Willow said. "They aren't even married anymore."

"And Dawn you are... You dressed as my old west partner?" Xander said in surprise.

"What?" Buffy asked.

Willow took a good look at Dawn in her red-haired cowgirl outfit wearing a bandolier of shurikens. "She does look like Cinnamon, doesn't she?"

"Who?" Buffy asked.

"Hawkman comes in two flavors," Xander said.

"Alien and eternal warrior," Willow provided, wondering why Buffy was suddenly looking red faced.

"Hawkman the eternal warrior," Xander said taking a dagger off his belt and holding it up. "Was killed with a magical dagger that causes him, and his wife, to be reincarnated over and over."

"One of which was Hannibal Hawkes and Katherine Manser AKA Nighthawk and Cinnamon," Xander explained.

Dawn took the dagger and clipped it to her belt. "Come on Nighthawk, there is work to be done," Dawn said in a fake western accent.

"Let me use the little Hawk's room first," Xander said. "Be back in a minute."

Willow clipped a ray gun onto his belt. "Back up weapon," she said cheerfully.

Once Xander had left Dawn turned to Buffy. "Thanks for not letting me fall."

"Ditto," Willow added.

"Just try not to walk into anything," Buffy teased. "I know leather pants can be a bit distracting."

"So, wife?" Dawn asked.

Willow knew of Dawn's crush and she could sympathize having crushed hard on Xander since she was Dawn's age, so she never gave her a hard time about it. "Yep, but just the one life while Cinnamon was his partner and girlfriend who had been married to him in a lot of lives."

"Really?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"They started off as king and queen of Egypt," Willow assured her.

Dawn smiled happily while Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Are you dressed as his medieval wife?" Dawn asked Buffy.

"What?" Buffy asked before realizing what she meant. "No, I'm your average ordinary medieval lady of the seventeenth century."

"No weapons or powers?" Dawn asked.

"Completely normal," Buffy assured her proudly.

"So you're planning to die of the plague or while giving birth too young?" Dawn guessed.

"What?" Buffy asked confused.

"Medical treatment was pretty cruddy back then," Willow supplied. "Most of the women died in childbirth while really young or from sickness."

"They didn't wait to get married until they were eighteen or twenty?" Buffy asked.

"Eighteen would almost be considered an old maid back then," Willow said. "Twelve was considered the age of adulthood by many cultures, it's why Jewish girls have a bat mitzvah at twelve. Boys don't get their bar mitzvah until they're thirteen, which I think is unfair."

"Twelve?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"The age varied by sex and culture, but by fifteen most were considered adults and were usually married and having children. Calendars weren't standardized and there wasn't a government keeping records of birth and deaths the way we do now. They were still working all of that out and the church was easily bribable, so, the records they did have weren't exactly ironclad proof of anything. We've come a long way since then," Willow said.

Xander returned as Willow finished up her speech. "Plus they lacked indoor toilets and Twinkies. Everyone ready?"

"Yes!" Dawn cheered grabbing one of his hands. "Let's go!"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	7. Chapter 7

**RMN - Hen Party**

"No, seriously, could we buy this place that cheap?" Nabiki asked intently.

"How the hell did you hear that in your sleep?" Yamato demanded.

"That's not important right now," the newly minted genin waved it off. "What's important is answering the question so I can buy the building and ensure I never run out of hot water in the middle of a shower again!"

"Sure, but the Hokage has blocked the owner from selling the building several times before, so I doubt the information will do you much good."

Nabiki grinned evilly before waving over a Ranma clone and whispering in its ear.

The clone nodded and held out a hand.

Nabiki happily forked over a few bills to the clone before he vanished out... the wall? "What the hell did you do to our living room?!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Huh?" Naruto woke up for a second and glanced around before hitting the button to turn off his alarm which hadn't been ringing and then falling back to sleep.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Anko rolled her eyes. "Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll be showing you how to fix it after breakfast."

Nabiki nodded thoughtfully. "Knowing how to fix walls is a handy skill for genin to have."

"Exactly!" Anko said brightly. "Part of your lessons will be in fixing shit you broke with a jutsu!"

The clone in the kitchen tossed in his two cents, "Anko-sensei, you are in all ways superior to the idiot we blew up."

Anko preened.

Yamato shook his head, amused.

"Two or three egg omelet?" the clone asked.

"Three," Anko and Yamato chorused, never passing up a free meal was one of the first things all ninja were taught after all.

Nabiki chuckled. "Not quite what he meant, but I agree with you two, a three egg omelet would be best."

The clone opened the fridge and pulled out several eggs the size of melons.

"What kind of eggs are those?!" Yamato demanded.

"Chicken," Nabiki replied.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"How big's the chicken that laid them?" Anko asked, amazed.

"Six foot four," the clone replied, not looking up from the mixing bowl.

"Where do you find a six foot chicken?" Yamato asked, stunned.

"Forest of Death," Nabiki and the clone chorused.

"Yeah, that'd do it," Anko replied. "But I'd think some of the local wild life would end up eating them before they managed to get that big."

The clone nodded as he flipped an over sized omelet. "And you'd be right. Took me several tries to figure out what I needed to do to keep them alive in there, but after that it was smooth sailing."

Nabiki caught a plate of food and put it in front of Anko, just in time to catch another two as the clone started on the next servings.

"So what was the trick?" Anko asked.

"Seven foot ten rooster," the clone replied.

"That's an enormous cock!" Yamato exclaimed.

"That's what I said!" Mihoshi said brightly, coming out of the bathroom dressed in her Galaxy Police outfit, which really resembled the bunny outfits designed by Hugh Hefner too closely to be coincidence.

"Ranma help you shave?" Nabiki asked hopefully.

"Yep!" Mihoshi replied. "See? No hairs sticking out," she said, pointing to the sides of the crotch on the unitard.

Nabiki nodded, happy to have avoided that chore as she felt she had way too many lesbian dreams for comfort as it was, without adding additional material from real life to fuel them.

"Then I helped him shave," Mihoshi finished.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What would require him to be sixteen and would be enough to distract Nabiki?" Neji asked thoughtfully as he tried to puzzle out Ranma's reasons for (ruining his life) helping out his teammate.

"Marriage!" Tenten suddenly burst out. "Orphans can't get married until sixteen since they lack parental consent!"

"Would you say he and Nabiki are close?" Gai asked thoughtfully.

"Well, they do live together..." Lee said thoughtfully, unaware of the way everyone else's eyes had widened at his announcement.

"Ranma!" Tenten called out, startling everyone.

"Yo!" the clone replied, bouncing off a tree and landing nearby, taking in the situation. "Ah, showed them the first technique, I see."

"Yes, they all agreed to keep it a secret," Lee assured him.

"How fast can you do that technique?" Neji asked.

Ranma seemed to flicker, vanishing and reappearing on the other side of Neji, a flash of blue light fading across his abdomen to the group's shock and horror.

"You've killed him!" Tenten gasped.

"How do you figure?" Ranma asked, confused.

"You didn't just cut him in half?" Gai asked carefully.

"Of course not. The rock cutting blow cuts rock, not flesh," Ranma said as if it should be obvious.

"Then what good is it?" Neji snarked, hoping he hadn't wet himself and trying to cover up his fear.

"Cutting flesh is easy. I even have techniques that ignore armor and just affect the flesh behind it," Ranma replied. "I chose the rock cutting technique as a test for Lee because it is difficult to learn and has many uses."

"By learning a difficult technique he showed he had potential," Gai said suddenly.

"Exactly! There is a ... precision in energy use that my art requires to use it to its fullest extent," Ranma explained. "Cutting flesh requires little precision, even less is needed if you don't mind destroying anything in the way, but to split rock alone and affect nothing else, leaving a perfectly smooth surface… that requires talent."

"What are the other uses for such a technique?" Gai asked curiously.

"You can free people sealed in stone without worrying about harming them, for one," Ranma pointed out. "Countering earth techniques that use stone without using a lot of energy. Me personally, I use it for construction work. Anyone can shatter stone, but using that technique you can cut stone and build things in a small fraction of the time anyone else would need."

"It's even more impressive for needing neither chakra nor handseals," Tenten pointed out.

"Swift, silent, and all but undetectable," Ranma grinned. "I could build a house around a sleeping nin and not wake him."

"I will still beat you," Neji swore, flames igniting in his eyes.

"Yes!" Gai roared proudly. "That's the way, Neji! Let your Flames of Youth explode!"

Neji was instantly mortified.

Ranma chuckled. "Neji, I'm about to show you how far you have to go, but after that I'll tell you what you're doing wrong and how to get stronger, ok?"

Ranma handed a handful of forms to Tenten. "Hold these for me, please," he asked before covering his eyes with his hitai-ate and putting his left hand behind his back.

"Nobody's that good," Tenten complained as she saw where this was going.

Ranma smirked at Neji. "Any time you're ready."

Neji didn't hesitate to throw himself at Ranma, his hands leaving glowing trails of chakra in the air as he attacked.

Ranma almost chuckled. With Neji leaking chakra the way he was, Ranma could almost see him through the blindfold without bothering to sense chakra at all.

The fight was brutally one-sided.

A battered and bruised Neji hit the ground just seconds after the start. "How?!"

Ranma put his hitai-ate back on his forehead. "Let me counter that with my own question: why?"

"What?" Neji asked, confused.

Ranma chuckled. "Why do you keep challenging me with the same style when I beat it so many times before?"

"Gentle Fist is the greatest taijutsu art in the world. It has been refined and perfected by countless generations of Hyuga," Neji protested. "I simply need to increase my speed and skill."

"There is a saying: when all you have is a hammer, all your problems look like nails. You, Neji, only have a hammer. You need to get more tools."

"It is flaws with my technique, not my style, that is the problem!" Neji insisted morosely.

"Fine, take me to the most skilled practitioner of the gentle fist and if I beat them then you have to admit I'm right and start adding to your toolbox," Ranma said. After a moment of thought he added, "Oh and stop being a dick to Hinata."

"Agreed," Neji said quickly, looking forward to seeing Ranma forced to admit the superiority of the gentle fist.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Why do I feel a chill?" Anko asked as Ranma sat down at the table.

Nabiki chuckled as Ranma's orange juice froze solid.

Anko raised an eyebrow. "An ice bloodline?"

Nabiki giggled, despite her best efforts, and reminded herself to have Ranma teach her the Soul of Ice as well. "Something like that."

Anko pushed her glass closer to Ranma and pulled it back once the juice started to freeze. "Now that's handy," she commented as she sipped her slushy drink.

"So Ranma did a good job?" Nabiki asked Mihoshi.

"Oh yeah, his hands were a little cold, but I feel a lot better now and I'm sure he does too!"

"No problem shaving him then?" Nabiki asked as Ranma mechanically ate his eggs, ice and all.

"He held very still and I got it done without cutting him once!" Mihoshi said proudly.

"Seconds?" the clone offered cheerfully, glad to see someone else have to deal with girl problems for once, even if that someone else was himself.

"Where did all the eggs come from?" Mihoshi asked.

"The chickens guarded by Ranma's giant rooster," Anko replied.

"You have a giant rooster?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma sighed as Neji and Lee moved the downed trainer off to the side, to sit with the other taijutsu trainers he'd taken out. "Listen Neji, I think I've made my point."

"One final one, I swear," Neji promised. "If you beat the clan head, I will have to admit you're right."

Ranma frowned but nodded. He couldn't help but notice that the last several fights had been with unsealed Hyuga and Neji had definitely enjoyed the one-sided matches. Tenten had set down the papers Ranma had her hold and watched the fights with rapt attention, enjoying the sight of well-formed males doing battle. Unnoticed, one of the defeated trainers had picked up and read the papers and they'd been passed along to each defeated Hyuga in turn, garnering increasing approval and attention.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You're late!" Sakura screeched.

"I was up late training with Ranma and overslept," Naruto replied.

"Isn't Ranma part of the team that injured their jounin?" Sasuke asked thoughtfully.

"Yeah, his team put the first guy in the hospital so now they got two other ones and man did they look beat coming in last night!"

"If you injure your sensei you get more and better ones?" Sasuke asked curiously.

Elsewhere, Kakashi felt a sudden chill.

**Options**

* "It's the standard paperwork for forming a new clan," one of the Hyuga pointed out. "If he beats Hiashi, I say we sponsor his clan and engage him to one of Hiashi's daughters."

"Shouldn't he have a wife already listed if he's applying for clan status?"

"He's got two listed down already. Nabiki and Mihoshi, so a third shouldn't be a problem. Just pencil her in."

* "Dodge!" - Boom option

* Tired of Naruto? Fine then just skip ahead to something else!

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: Been a while since I worked on this one. Not sure where the previous chapters are.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Unintended Consequences 2**

**Continued from chapter 2 of Yet Still Even More Fragments!**

McGonagall entered the headmaster's office quietly. Officially, she was there to pass on some paperwork for his signature; unofficially, she was there seeking some guidance over the Umbridge issue.

"Albus?" she called opening the door.

The headmaster was staring upward at the ceiling, showing no sign of having heard her voice.

Minerva tried again. "Albus?" she said stepping closer to the desk.

Finally Dumbledore broke from his thoughts and looked at her, his expression one of profound loss. "Ah, Minerva," he said his voice leaving him sounding old, "I fear that I may have been wrong in my decisions in regards to young Mr. Potter."

The transfigurations mistress gave him a look. "I'm sure you've done your best under the circumstances Headmaster," she said.

Dumbledore just sighed realizing for perhaps the first time that her reassurances were empty, and somehow over the past decade and a half, she had allowed herself to become a yes-man—er woman.

"Somehow Minerva, I remain un-reassured."

His deputy just nodded to herself before handing over the paperwork awaiting his signature of approval, which she had brought up as an excuse for this visit. "Please don't let these wait too long, Albus."

"I will attend to it today. Was there something further you wished to discuss?" he asked.

"Yes, Umbridge," Professor McGonagall told him.

Albus sighed, it was going to be a long day.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Hermione was burning with curiosity; her friend, her accident prone best friend, Harry, was acting differently and hadn't been to see her about his detention with that cow, or should she say toad, Umbridge. Come to think of it, he'd come back rather early and with an unexpectedly cheerful expression on his face. He also hadn't complained about his scar hurting or the 'remedial potions' lessons at all this week.

Coming to a decision she put away her homework and marched up the stairs to the fifth year boy's dorm. Well, ok, she tip-toed as quietly and calmly as she could seeing how everyone else was already trying to fall asleep.

She gently pushed the door open and snuck a peek into the room to see if anyone was awake. Almost all of the fourposter beds had their curtains closed tightly except for two at the end, and the only light on in the room was coming from between Harry and Neville's beds.

Trying her level best to walk quietly across the room, which was only polite seeing how everyone else was asleep, Hermione approached Harry and Neville.

"Harry—" she started before letting out a gasp at the bird curled up on her friend's chest.

The phoenix shifted to look at her curiously before burrowing its head back under its wing and ignoring her.

Harry grinned at her and motioned for her to sit down. "Hi, Hermione."

"Is that a phoenix?" she asked, her eyes widening.

Harry and Neville grinned at each other before Harry answered, "Oh, so it is. Looky there, Neville, there's a phoenix on my chest."

"What's that, Harry?" Neville said with a grin before looking at the phoenix and faking an expression of shock. "That there's definitely a phoenix, mate!"

Hermione huffed and frowned at the two, rolling her eyes. "So when did the phoenix show up?"

Harry debated messing with her further before deciding to give her a straight answer. "I was sitting here, following the instructions, from that book you managed to find in that dusty corner of the library, when I managed to drop into the trance, I did some stuff and next thing I know it feels like I'm dying, I blacked out and then I woke up the next morning and my shirt is in ashes around me and there he is on my chest," Harry said pointing at the bird.

"Details Harry, I need enough to research this," Hermione said. "And what do you mean you did some stuff, didn't you read the book?"

Harry defended himself, "I read it, honest! After following the directions to put myself in the trance, it was just instinctive though."

Hermione just kept looking at him intently.

Harry sighed. "Fine, there was this big ball of energy, reminded me of a sun cause it felt warm to stand next to and it was made up of streamers of green and gold energy. And there was a braided cord of green and gold leading from it to my navel. There was also this funny, as in odd, jagged black stuff being held back by a red net off to one side."

"Continue," Hermione said having pulled out a notebook from somewhere though neither boy could recall it being with her when she walked in.

"Well the cord leading to my navel looked off, one color was brighter and thicker than the other. So I sort of instinctively grabbed the damaged looking one and tried to make it match the other one." Harry said.

"And you didn't think to stop and read the book to see if it talked about this?" Hermione asked.

"I told you it was all instinctive, and happened kinda quickly!" Harry said. "Besides, by the time I looked up I'd already managed to make it match the other cord and the ball of fire looked all muddied and sometime, during when I was working, that jagged black mass was shredded. I felt weak and cold and the ball of fire looked like it was going to collapse and go dark when it went supernova instead."

Hermione gasped.

"Then I woke up and found Edmund on my chest," Harry finished.

"Have you tried going back into the trance?" Hermione asked.

Harry looked down sheepishly before answering, "No, and anyway when I had my 'remedial' lessons with Snape a few days later, he kicked me out."

"Tell me," Hermione asked sighing.

So Harry explained about the warm feeling that surged up from his chest and into his eyes and then what happened with Dumbledore.

Neville chose that moment to speak up, "Legilimency on a minor is illegal, they could be sent to Azkaban."

Hermione looked at Neville curiously.

"What? Gran made sure I know the rules," Neville said.

"What about quills that use your blood to write?" Harry asked.

"A blood quill?" Neville asked. "Those are restricted artifacts, originally designed for use in magical contracts."

"Then why is that toad allowed to force students to use them?!" Harry whispered vehemently, while trying to keep his voice down.

Neville shrugged and yawned. "Dunno, mate."

"It's late and we should probably go to bed," Hermione said. Her notebook having disappeared back to wherever she'd called it from. "Harry, you will tell me if you remember anything else about that, won't you?"

Harry nodded.

"And try to go back to that trance again and see what happened," she said before leaving the room.

"Can I see that book after you're finished, Harry? I want to see if it's any different from Gran's lessons," Neville asked.

"Sure," Harry replied, fishing the book out of his trunk and handing it over.

"Night, Harry," Neville said, shuffling back to his bed.

"Night, Neville," Harry replied, before focusing on his breath and trying to fall into the trance.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"About time you showed up," a voice said next to him and he jumped in surprise. "I was beginning to think you'd never try again!"

Harry opened his eyes and turned to see a young boy with messy black hair like his own and with one green eye and one gold.

"What?" Harry asked.

The boy grinned. "We've got things to do, and some sense to knock into you."

"Edmund?" Harry asked.

"Who else?" Edmund replied.

Harry looked around at the open blue sky and then back at Edmund.

"What happened to the sun thing?" he asked.

"Look again," Edmund replied.

Harry looked around again before it occurred to him to try following the cord that led from him to it last time he was here. Looking down he noticed the cord was thicker than it had been last time and he couldn't tell where one color ended and the next started. He followed the cord, with his eyes as it led straight to the boy. "Edmund?"

Edmund just grinned.

"I know just as much as you do, just you need to sort it all and finish properly absorbing it," Edmund said. "And let me tell you, waking up and finding you're a bird staring up at yourself is scary as hell."

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Shh, I saw a light down at Hagrid's cabin," Harry told Ron and Hermione before sprinting back up to the dormitory to fetch the invisibility cloak and map from his trunk. Ron begged off going as he was in the middle of a chess game with a first year who was surprisingly good.

After a few minutes, Hermione returned wearing scarf, gloves and one of the knitted hats she'd been working on.

"What?" she said at Harry's expression. "It's cold out there."

They carefully made their way down to the entrance hall and out into the snow covered grounds, the snow underfoot crunching with each step and everything feeling muted by the wintery landscape.

Harry knocked on the door and yelled through the keyhole, "Hagrid, it's us!"

"Shoulda known!" said Hagrid's gravelly voice from within. "Barely home three seconds... back, Fang, yeh lazy dog, outta the way."

The bolt was drawn back and the door creaked open and Hagrid's face appeared in the gap.

Hermione let out a shriek before covering her mouth.

"Didja have to be part banshee? Keep it down," Hagrid said hastily, staring over their heads as he let them in. "Under that cloak of yours, are yeh?"

"Sorry," Hermione said after calming down. "I just—"

"It's nuthin," Hagrid said, shutting the door behind them and hurrying to close all the curtains, the two teens stared at his matted beard, his left eye reduced to a slit amidst the puffed up bruises. His hands and arms covered with scrapes and cuts, some of which were still bleeding.

Harry suspected a broken rib with how gingerly the half-giant was moving. It was obvious he'd only just returned, his traveling cloak was hanging from the door and a large sack, big enough for a few small children, lay next to it.

"What happened to you?" Harry demanded.

"Told yeh, Nothin," Hagrid said firmly, placing the large copper kettle over the fireplace.

"Hagrid, you've been attacked," Hermione said incredulously.

"Fer the last time, It's nothin!" Hagrid said firmly.

"I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite with this considering how much time I spend there and how I hate it, but you really should see Madam Pomfrey, Hagrid," Harry said.

"I'm dealin' with it alright?" Hagrid said turning towards Harry as a small bird crawled out of Harry's collar from underneath his jacket. "Blimey, Harry is that a phoenix?"

Edmund trilled and Harry grinned before telling Hagrid, "His name's Edmund."

"Where did you get him Harry?" Hagrid asked in awe.

"He just showed up one morning," Harry replied as Edmund finished extricating himself from Harry's coat and hopped over to Hagrid where he cried a tear on his arm and then flew up towards his head.

"I think he wants you to lean back, Hagrid," Harry said.

Hagrid tilted his head upwards and the phoenix cried a tear into his bruised eye before returning to Harry. "That's better. Normally I'd have used this," Hagrid said pointing to the large green-tinged, bloody, steak a little larger than a VW beetle car tire.

Hermione shuddered. "That looks poisonous."

"It's only Re'em's meat," Hagrid said.

"Isn't Re'em's blood restricted?" Hermione asked.

"Sure if yer buying the blood, but tha's a steak." Hagrid smiled.

Hermione smiled. "Hagrid would you mind terribly if we, ahem, collected some of that blood into a few potions vials?"

Hagrid just shrugged. "If yeh want."

After a few minutes of pleading with him, (which if you want to read then go pick up the cannon book and re-read chapter 20) they finally managed to get Hagrid to tell them about his secret mission to the Giants, and then caught up on the rest of the events since they last saw him.

It was pretty late by the time they left Hagrid's and made their way back up to the castle. Unfortunately they forgot to put the cloak back on as they snuck through the castle and the map was tucked up in Harry's pocket, so they had no warning when they bumped into Professor Flitwick on the second floor.

"Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, what on in the name of Merlin are you two doing out of bed?" the diminutive professor asked them.

"Sorry, professor," Hermione whimpered at the thought of lost points or worse expulsion. "We were down visiting Hagrid and lost track of time."

"Ms. Granger, I know that Hagrid returned shortly after curfew so for you to be down there you'd have to have broken curfew to visit in the first place." Flitwick told her.

"I'm afraid I'll have to issue the two of you a detention for Saturday, my office, after lunch," he told them, walking them back to the dorm.

Saturday came and the two entered Flitwick's office, wondering what he would have them do.

Flitwick stood up from his desk and motioned them to sit before reseating himself. "Mr. Potter, Ms, Granger, it's come to my attention that you've checked out a certain book from the library. Now, now, you aren't in trouble, I make sure that book is in the library at the beginning of each year because it's a vital discipline to potential duelists."

Harry and Hermione nodded their understanding.

"Now, I know Hermione will have already read it, and passed it onto you Mr. Potter, and regardless of what the headmaster thinks, he isn't the only one who knows a lot about what's going on around here," Flitwick said.

"You mean they aren't the only one's who know... occlumency?" Harry asked.

Flitwick snorted. "I was quite surprised to learn that Professor Snape was giving you, what Dumbledore referred to as 'remedial potions' lessons. Considering the general attitude you both have in regards to each other. And no, they aren't the only ones. I am a professional duelist, Mr. Potter, even if I haven't participated in years. The discipline is required among duelists."

"Are you offering lessons professor?" Hermione asked hopefully.

**Fragment continued by: Stephenopolos**


	9. Chapter 9

**One Good Turn Deserves Another**

"I think I've found them," Angel announced as he entered the library.

"What did you find out?" Willow demanded anxiously as Oz Patted her hand comfortingly.

"Your double was seen at the Magic Shop and I managed to get a partial list of what she purchased," Angel explained, handing the list to Wesley who immediately started working on it with Giles, trying to puzzle out what she was planning.

"How does this help you find Xander?" Willow asked.

"That part doesn't," Angel admitted. "However someone spotted the direction she left in and I discovered someone's been killing off all the vampires in the dock area."

"Why would she be killing off other vamps?" Faith asked.

"She wouldn't," Angel said. "Xander would."

"And you believe he's capable of such, while under her thrall no less?" Wesley asked doubtfully.

"Yes," Angel said flatly. "And he may not be enthralled. I'm not sure how sane he is at the moment."

"What do you mean?" Wesley asked.

"Look at what he's gone through lately," Angel said. "Kidnapped and almost beaten to death, followed by his girlfriend getting injured and dumping him before dragging all his dirty laundry, which he shared in private, out in public. That alone is pretty stressful, but then his best friends reject him and expel him from the one thing in his life he found value in—"

"It wasn't like that at all!" Buffy interrupted horrified.

"Yeah it was," Faith said. "Just cause you don't see it that way, doesn't mean it aint."

"And then he finds his oldest friend, who he probably has some very confused feelings for at this point, has been turned into a vampire," Angel finished. "Angelus liked to drive people insane, so trust me when I say there is a good chance Xander is dangerously insane at this point."

"The vampire version of Miss Rosenberg may not need to drive him insane as Angelus was fond of doing to his victims, but she's apparently decided against turning him as the ingredients she's purchased point to a binding spell of some kind," Wesley said.

"This is bad," Willow said, looking so pale she probably matched her vampiric counterpart.

"We'll fix this," Buffy promised. "We'll find Xander, dust the bitch who took him, and smack some sense into him!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The vampire paused as he spotted as he spotted the bag of blood sitting directly under the spotlight with a sign on it reading 'not a trap.'

"Oh, come on!" he complained. "Even I'm not that stupid!"

The door he'd entered, following the smell of blood, had slammed shut behind him and lacked an inside handle to open it with. There were two doors out of the room he could use, one had a sign reading 'Not a Trap' on it and the other had a cross carved in the knob.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander heard the fwoosh noise of another Vampire combusting and grinned, returning to reading the paper as he waited for Willow to return to the crematorium where they'd taken up residence.

He'd promised to play nice with the neighbors and he had, he'd placed a bag of blood where they couldn't miss it and made sure to label the doors correctly to prevent accidents. Why, he'd even gone so far, as to carve a cross into the door handle of the door leading into the crematorium to ensure it!

***fwoosh***

Finished with the comics he dug out his homework. Even undead, Willow insisted he get good grades.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	10. Chapter 10

**Futurama**

"Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" the white lab coated doctor announced proudly.

Xander blinked and scraped the ice from his eyelashes with his thumbnail. "Well, since you were smart enough to defrost me I guess we didn't end up an idiocracy."

"According to your chart you were frozen in the mid nineties. I'm surprised you knew about the days of the idiocracy, it was nearly two centuries after your time," Dr. Jensen said, still reading Xander's chart. "Fortunately we were able to counteract that problem by removing all the warning labels for a couple of decades."

"That'd do it," Xander agreed. "So what do you do now to keep the average intelligence level up?"

"A group of aliens come by every now and again and kidnap our smartest people to force them to mate," Jensen replied. "The military was going to interfere but everyone involved seems to like it. They call it the Mensa mixer."

"The world has gotten stranger," Xander said surprised.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: Started it... but didn't get very far.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Forests of MU**

"And how are you planning to fund all of this?" Hermione asked.

"Kidnap Malfoy, and ransom him back to his parents," Harry said.

"What?!" the bushy haired witch exclaimed.

Harry chuckled. "I was only joking."

"Oh, thank heavens, I thought you were serious," Hermione said.

"Not now, Padfoot," Harry stopped his godfather from speaking. "Of course I'd never kidnap an entire person."

"Well good," Hermione said before frowning. "Wait, what do you mean an entire person?"

"One, intentional splinching 'accident' and I'd have all the hostage I need to insure both Draco and Lucy would pay any amount for its return. All I need is a specifically targeted travel jinx, a small box, and a pair of tongs."

"Tongs?" Hermione asked.

"I'm not touching Malfoy's twig and berries, for any amount of money," Harry said.

Everyone stared at Harry as they realized what his plan was.

"We're not worthy!" Fred, George, and Sirius chanted, falling to their knees and prostrating themselves.

The door to the meeting room opened behind them, showing the three pranksters worshiping Harry, while Hermione and the two younger Weasley siblings looked at Harry in horror.

"That's pure Evil!" Hermione exclaimed.

"No, pure evil would require me to procure some honey and a ready supply of carnivorous fire ants," Harry corrected her. "But you have a point."

Hermione narrowed her eyes, not falling for it.

Harry grinned. "I really should take the kid gloves off. I mean wizards and witches are all very... limited compared to those of us who were raised in the muggle world. I'm sure that even though you were thinking it was wrong to use honey and ants in this manner, another part of your brain was coming up with something that was even more effective."

They stared into one another's eyes.

"Protean charm and Icy Hot?" Harry guessed.

Hermione squeaked, "You learned legilimency?!"

"No, I just know the way your mind works. Now personally I'd go with a Hibachi grill, but Icy Hot would do the job."

"You're insane!" Hermione accused him.

"I'm not talking about summoning The King-In-Yellow here," Harry pointed out. "I'm not even talking about using the unforgivables, which the proper use of a deck of spelled playing cards would make worthless anyway."

"Marbles," Hermione disagreed. "Get the proper spin and you can reflect the spells back, playing cards would simply stop them."

"Space expansion charms twisted about," Harry corrected.

"Ok, that would work better than using crystalline structures to guide the spell back the way it came, probably easier to charm too," she admitted.

"Area effect spells would still be a pain, but it takes the unforgivables out of the equation," Harry agreed. "Are you sure you didn't want to join us?"

"Us who?" Dumbledore asked cautiously, revealing he and the order had been listening.

"Since you guys are breeding for laziness and incompetence, I thought I'd go the other way and start a society based on common sense," Harry said, deciding it actually sounded like a good idea and something to shoot for.

"Breeding?!" Hermione exclaimed, blushing bright red.

"I'm not saying we institute a policy or anything," Harry assured her, mistaking where her mind was going. "I'm just saying we encourage and surround ourselves with competent intelligent people who can pour piss out of a boot."

"Yet you're bringing Sirius," Hermione pointed out, shoving a set of mental images to the side.

"I also plan on actively teaching common sense and I need an example of what not to do," Harry replied.

"Was I just zinged?" Sirius asked. "Felt like I was zinged," he said confused.

"Nature vs. Nurture?" Hermione asked.

"If I can find someone competent to help," Harry tempted her.

"Well..." Hermione wavered as she considered what kind of world they could build.

"We could have spells in place that made politicians tell the truth," Harry said. "A society where intelligence and competence were as highly regarded as breast size."

Hermione blinked snapping out of it. "As regarded?"

"I'm trying to be as realistic as possible," Harry replied. "That means I have to shoot for achievable goals, which means dealing with reality and reality is that looks do count or should I bring up your crush on Lockhart?"

Hermione groaned. "I thought he did all those things he claimed!"

"Because he was pretty," Harry said softly. "If he hadn't looked that good you'd have taken a closer look at his claims."

"Ok, fine," Hermione conceded. "I suppose getting guys to acknowledge brains as well as breasts is as far as we can reasonably push it."

"Smart birds always did have the best ideas for having fun," Sirius admitted thoughtfully.

"Harry, we have not been breeding for incompetence," Dumbledore said firmly.

"Who's the minister?" Harry asked dryly making the old wizard wince.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	12. Chapter 12

**Not Donkey Kong**

With Buffy settled in college, Xander decided to visit Joyce and Dawn, but as he approached the house he sensed something was wrong and got back in the car. It'd been months since he'd seen them and he'd sent neither postcard nor present. A quick trip to the store was in order.

**Ten minutes later...**

Xander knocked lightly on the door thrice.

"Xander," Joyce said surprised but pleased to see him. "Come in, come in!"

"Hey, Miss S. Where is the light of my life?"

Joyce looked at what Xander had brought curiously. "Buffy is at school."

"I know that, I was referring to someone taller with darker hair," he joked.

"Xander?" Dawn's voice wavered as if she couldn't believe it was him.

"Dawnie!" Xander said spinning around and opening his arms.

Xander found his arms filled with crying girl and Joyce quickly took the grocery bag from him so he could hold her. Thanks to Willow he knew what to do. Picking her up bridal style he carried her to the couch and sat down with her in his lap.

Rubbing her back and Kissing her head when appropriate he listened to her and waited for her to recover, as he recalled Willow's periods were like an emotional roller coaster until she'd gone on birth control and they'd evened out.

Joyce handed Xander the small stuffed baboon he'd bought which he gave to Dawn.

"I figured since Buffy took Mr. Gordo with her, I'd get you your very own Butt-monkey," he told her.

Dawn burst out in tears and kissed Xander dead on the lips. "I love it!" she cried burying her face in his chest.

Though surprised he simply rocked back and forth while rubbing her back.

'And he wondered why Willow fell for him,' Joyce thought as she snuck off to find her camera. This was going to go in the album and was probably going to be this year's Christmas card. She was pretty sure that Xander hadn't even realized she left obvious lipstick prints on several parts of his face. She got several great shots of Xander looking down on Dawn, asleep in his arms, with a great deal of affection in his eyes before he noticed she was there.

He smiled, completely oblivious of the direction Joyce's thoughts were heading, just happy to be home with people who cared for him, when a green aura sprung up around them slowly growing in intensity until it lit the room with a blinding flash.

A stuffed baboon fell to the floor, but there was no one remaining to see it.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**AN: An idea for a unique Disgaea cross.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Love Hina: In the Hen House**

The building shook and the lights flickered in the Hinata Inn, causing all the residents to quickly take note of who was missing.

"Su," Keitaro groaned just before there was a loud crashing noise and the building shuddered.

"Su!" Motoko exclaimed, worried that something had happened to her.

The entire group ran up the stairs, following Motoko who ripped open Su's door only to stumble back as clouds of red smoke billowed out.

"Everyone get back!" Motoko commanded. "I sense great evil!"

"I must have reversed polarities," Su said calmly. "But don't worry, I'll get it right next time!"

"What were you trying to do?" asked an unfamiliar male voice.

"I was trying to summon and contain an contain an extra-dimensional being," Su explained, "but I had everything set for positive and by the red smoke I got negative."

"Negative like a huge force of mindless destruction?" the voice asked.

"Yep," Su said cheerfully. "I wanted to catch an angel, but I got the leads reversed, so I should have the opposite."

"Sounds about right," the voice agreed. "Why were you trying to catch an angel?"

"I wanna see how many can dance on the head of a pin," Su replied.

"Can someone open up a window or something so I can see?" Motoko asked.

"The fan should automatically kick on in a second," Su said as a loud whirring noise started up and sucked all the crimson smoke away.

A blond haired young man in a black outfit with orange stripes was revealed, standing inside an incredibly complex web of light, examining his surroundings. "This has to be the most unusual seal I've ever seen," he said with an unconcerned grin.

Motoko saw the three marks on each cheek, reminiscent of whiskers, and the innocent curiosity that radiated from his deep blue eyes, but her training came to the forefront as she screamed out, "Demon!" and attacked.

"Don't break the-" Su began, just as Motoko's sword swung, sending a wave of blue energy that destroyed the lasers creating the seal around the being she had summoned. As the cage winked out he vanished, leaving a log to get destroyed in his place.

Mitsune's eyes widened and she quickly stepped forward calling out, "I claim all of them as mine!"

The blond haired man was suddenly standing in front of her. "That means you are responsible for their actions and would take their punishments for them."

Mitsune bowed her head, "Yes, my lord."

Everyone stared in shock, wondering exactly what was going on.

Motoko struggled back to her feet, having released nearly all her energy in a desperation move to destroy what felt like a demon lord.

"Show me your tails," he ordered.

"I have none, my lord," she said with a wince. "My grandmother was a fox wife, but I'm not old enough to have grown any."

"Then taking responsibility for their actions could cost you your life!"

"I know," she said quietly.

He smiled proudly and reached out, gently raising her chin so he could look in her eyes. "How about I tell you their punishments and then you decide?"

"Really?" she asked hopefully.

"The one who summoned me, I'm going to teach seals so she doesn't grab random beings, or is at least a little less random about it."

"She'd probably enjoy that," Mitsune admitted.

"The one who tried to kill me, I'm going to spank 'til she can't sit down," he said, "and if she tries again, I'll spank her again."

"Thank you!" Mitsune said, throwing her arms around him.

"What's going on?" Keitaro asked, confused.

"Su summoned a major demon," Motoko panted, mustering her strength for another attack.

"True," the blond teen admitted.

"You're a demon?" Keitaro asked.

"Nope."

"She summoned you and a major demon?"

"Yep."

"A major demon is loose?"

"Nope."

"Is there a reason to panic?" Keitaro asked.

"Nope. Well, unless you tried to kill me and are afraid of getting spanked," the blond said.

Su's stomach growled loudly. "Su says we should continue this over dinner."

"I'll not let you-" Motoko said just before she and the blond man vanished, with him reappearing a moment later and LOUD cursing coming from down the hall.

"Is it alright if I gag her while I spank her?" he asked Mitsune.

"Please do," Mitsune said as Shinobu turned bright red listening to Motoko curse to put sailors to shame.

The blond man snapped his fingers and Motoko's cursing went silent. "She's worse than Tayuya," he said in admiration. "So, introductions?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto and Motoko appeared in her room.

Naruto sat on her bed, laying the struggling woman across his knees. Three clones appeared; one grabbing her arms, another her legs, while the third vanished.

Naruto reached under and un-did her pants, causing her to struggle frantically and curse loudly.

"I'm just going to spank you," he said with a smirk, "but I ain't working through layers to do it."

A moment later his clone reappeared and gagged her before vanishing again.

"Sorry, Princess. Looks like no one wants to hear you cursing," he said as he got her pants down to her knees, uncovering a silky white ass that Naruto had to resist biting.

The clone holding her legs released them just long enough to pull down some flimsy blue garment that was more string than anything else.

"I know your underwear didn't cover anything in the back," he admitted, "but it's the principle of the thing," he said, bringing down hand with a meaty thwack.

One cheek then the other, he alternated turning them a nice rosy red, while subtly adjusting her 'til each shot pressed her pussy against his knee.

It took less than a dozen swats before he could smell her arousal as she began to moan into the gag, and his knee wasn't the only thing she was grinding against as he brought his hand down on her ass, letting his fingers brush lightly against her sodden pussy lips.

Any more of this and he was going to lose control himself.

Removing her gag he said, "Ten more swats. Count them out and I'm done."

"One," she said with a groan as she counted off his swats, starting to repeat herself as she got to eight and chanting nine like a mantra as she finally climaxed against him before saying, "Ten," and passing out with a smile on her face.

**Typing by: Ordieth**

**AN: I usually avoid porn, but I am capable of it.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Halloween Aftermath: All in one Knight**

**Previous chapters  
****More Fragments 22****  
Yet More Fragments 50 and 51**

"Good Morning, Alexander," a voice said out of the blue.

Xander leapt out of bed and took cover on the far side below the frame, his hand diving between the mattress and the box spring to grab a knife.

"Relax, it's just me, Corwin," the voice said, amused.

"I was almost sure I dreamt you," Xander said slowly standing up, finding himself much less surprised than he expected to be.

"I'm an Amberite," Corwin said, "it's definitely the other way around."

"Your ego still leaves me in awe," Xander said honestly.

"As well it should," Corwin agreed with a little amusement.

"So… what brings you by?" Xander asked, dropping the knife on his bed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Well, either you were a dream caused by the rather spicy chicken dish I had last night or Dworkin caused it for his own reasons, in either case it aroused my curiosity enough to walk here and see what changes had been wrought," Corwin explained.

"Do you remember everything?" Xander asked.

"Of course," Corwin replied.

"Then why did you call me Alexander?" the teen asked.

"Because it's your name, not the ridiculous moniker you go by," Corwin said.

Xander frowned and looked at Corwin for a moment as he marshaled his thoughts before saying, "The name you are given is random and meaningless symbols, it's the life you live that gives meaning to them. The concept of a true name depends upon the self's identification with the meaning it gives to those symbols."

"That's correct," Corwin agreed readily.

"Thus Xander is more my name than Alexander is, since it's my `true name´," he finished.

"And do you toss your true name out for everyone to know and make use of?" Corwin asked like he was talking to a small child.

"Fuck no!" Xander exploded before getting a horrified expression on his face. "Except that I do."

"Which has left you open to quite a few malign influences, all of them in fact," Corwin said dryly.

"So, Alexander to the general public and Xander to my friends," Xander decided.

"At the very least," Corwin agreed.

"Yeah," Xander said slowly as he thought things through. "I'm going to have to do more than that. Maybe a tattoo..."

"You seem to have retained enough to handle that on your own," Corwin decided. "Get cleaned up, I'll meet you in the backyard to see how much you have physically retained."

"Joy," Xander said, knowing it was going to hurt.

After Xander had left to shower Corwin picked up the picture frame off the nightstand next to Xander's bed. A thumb gently brushed across Willow's face as he recalled his fallen sister while staring at the face of her analogue.

**Fifteen minutes later...**

"Ok, I'm up and dressed," Xander said, wearing a dirty white T-shirt and jeans with the knees worn through.

"Interesting manner of dress," Corwin noted.

"I noticed the two swords you're carrying," Xander said, "that means sword fighting, which means I'm going to be bleeding and you're going to cut up any clothes I'm wearing."

"I didn't expect you to be this perceptive," Corwin admitted.

"Well you made one hell of an impression on me, while I probably didn't affect you a whole lot, so naturally I know you better than you know me, regardless of your skill in reading people, which will let you catch up in the space of a day or two," Xander said.

"What else have you noticed?" Corwin asked.

"You aren't impressed with me and normally wouldn't bother with any of this except you feel slightly responsible, so you are treating me like a distant relative who you have just run across; you'll ensure I'll have the bare minimum I need to survive and then dismiss me as being of no importance unless I either find my way to Amber or you find a use for me in one of your plots," Xander said bluntly.

Corwin took a sword off his back and tossed it to Xander, who buckled it on and drew it from its scabbard only to stare in disbelief. "Grayswandir!"

"Not quite," Corwin replied with a grin, before holding up a tarot card for Xander to look at.

"The fool," Xander said, seeing the hand drawn card and noting a skilled artist had drawn him in the fool's place and instead of stepping off a cliff he was about to leap into the Hellmouth.

"You dressed as I was when I was younger, it restored quite a few memories that I'd thought lost. Now, with this additional explanation, what would you say?" the formal self-crowned king of Amber asked, clearly amused.

"You're keeping a light contact with me through a trump, probably gambling on being able to treat me like an analogue after last nights' events, so by keeping the connection open you'll enhance what I gained from you last night," Xander said noting his uncharacteristic exposition. "You aren't doing me a favor in hopes of future repayment, you are paying back a favor that you consider owed."

"You'll note that the sword you hold isn't Grayswandir," Corwin said. "But it should be close enough for our purposes. You have may assistance until first blood has been drawn on me, shall we begin?"

Xander nodded and brought up his sword.

Corwin grinned like a wolf spotting a rabbit.

**Four hours later...**

Corwin looked at the blood running down his hand from a cut along his forearm. "Very well done. I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever pull it together for a minute there."

Xander collapsed to the grass, his clothes in tatters, countless cuts marring his frame. "Thanks," he groaned.

Corwin let the blood pool in his hand for a moment before speaking a word of power. The cut on his arm vanished as if it had never been, taking the blood with it. Drawing out the trump he'd made of Xander he cut the connection.

Xander whimpered as he felt all his aches and pains which had lightened for a moment, multiply once more.

Corwin smiled and dropped the cord on Xander's blood coated chest. "I doubt we'll meet again young prince, but I think you have skills and strength enough to make your own way in the world now."

"Don't think I don't appreciate what you've done for me, but I believe I'm going to spend the next little while cursing your name and ancestry while I lay here bleeding," Xander gasped out.

Corwin laughed. "It was nice meeting you, Xander. Have a good life and treat your princess well. I believe I'll take a walk and see if I can find my own."

Xander watched Corwin stroll off and grinned even as he did curse Corwin and his whole family for being megalomaniacal, sociopaths, with superiority complexes.

Lacking the strength to move and running out of adjectives for the moment, Xander examined the sword Corwin had given him. The pattern that shimmered on the silver blade was different from what he remembered. As his eyes followed its loops and curves, he felt his pain fade away and his vision sharpen. No, it wasn't the pattern of Amber or even Corwin's pattern, it was a pattern he'd never seen before, but it looked familiar somehow. Letting go of the pattern he climbed to his feet and headed for the shower. He needed to get to school even if he had missed half the day, his friends were probably worried about him.

**Sunnydale High Library**

Buffy was shifting uncomfortably in her seat while a red faced Willow was looking through a stack of books, as Xander entered the library.

"I'm afraid I haven't a clue how to reverse it," Giles admitted, setting the book he was reading down.

"Guys," Buffy said anxiously, drawing their attention to Xander.

"Is something going on?" Xander asked curiously as he took in the scene.

"No!" Buffy exclaimed, shifting in her seat. "Everything's fine!"

"Everything's normal!" Willow exclaimed, hiding her face behind a thick leather tome.

"Yes, quite right," Giles agreed, polishing his glasses with some force.

Xander almost fell into the chair exhausted, knocking a couple of books off the table. With a groan he leaned down and picked them up.

"We're researching for the sake of researching," Buffy said with a plastic smile on her face that wouldn't have fooled a three year old.

Xander sighed and shook his head. "I never thought I'd be saying this to you, but Buffy..."

"Yeah?" she asked guiltily.

"You have to sit with your legs further apart or you'll crush your balls," he said bluntly.

**Typing by: Fasor**


	15. Chapter 15

**Halloween Aftermath: Schooled!**

**Previous chapters**

**More Fragments 22**

**Yet More Fragments 50 and 51**

**This document last chapter #14**

"I can't believe you got into a fight on your first day here!" the principal said shaking her head. "I was warned that your sister was a troublemaker, but your record showed no signs of it, however the three girls in the infirmary speak for themselves!"

"Self defense is self defense, what I can't believe is that I wasn't here an hour before I was assaulted," Dawn said bluntly, much to her mother's horror.

"Those three girls say something completely different and their stories are backed up by several eyewitnesses," the principal said firmly glaring at her over the top of her glasses. "Not to mention the fact that their parents are well known and respected members of the community, while—"

"I had a tape recorder running during the entire altercation," Dawn said cheerfully, interrupting what she'd been about about to say.

"What?" the principal asked.

"I was recording an idea I had on a micro recorder when those three 'upstanding citizens' and their friends decided to surround me and knock my books out of my hands," Dawn said calmly. "I also noted the location of a video camera that was nearby," Dawn said.

"You broke the arm of one of the girls and there is still the matter of the switchblade," the principal rallied.

"The switchblade you tried to make me pick up so my fingerprints would be on it?" Dawn asked with a raised eyebrow. "I don't buy your innocent act, Mrs. Johnson. I wasn't here an hour before your model students pulled a knife on me, attempted to bully me, and tried to re-enact a prison shower scene. I have audio, the security company has video and I believe at this point I have enough evidence to call the police and have them charged with sexual assault on a minor and armed assault with you as an accomplice." Dawn pulled out a micro-recorder and pushed play letting them hear what did indeed sound like a re-enactment of a b-grade prison rape scene from a movie that should have Ilsa in the title.

Joyce leveled a glare at the principal that made her fear for her life.

"I-I swear I had no idea!" she exclaimed.

"Here is what's going to happen," Dawn said. "I will provide you with a copy of the audio, you will provide me with a copy of the video. You will play it for the girls' parents, and if any of them so much as looks in my direction with less than a friendly smile, I will destroy them. Now, start the paperwork transferring me to Sunnydale High please, because I don't think I like it here," Dawn finished with a flourish.

"Y-yes, of course, Miss Summers," the principal stuttered out before rushing to follow her orders.

**Ten minutes later**

Joyce started the car and smoothly pulled away from the curb. "Dear?"

"Yes, mom?" Dawn replied.

"You handled that beautifully," Joyce said. "Are you sure you still want to attend high school?"

"I'm not going to let some bullies interfere in my education, besides I'll have Xander to protect me at Sunnydale," Dawn said cheerfully.

"It didn't look like you needed any protection and I don't recall you taking any martial arts classes," Joyce told her youngest daughter.

"Me and Xander watched a lot of Kung-Fu movies and they were easy enough to copy. You saw us arguing about which moves were real and which ones were fake, before we'd try to and copy the movements, often while getting pillows thrown at us," Dawn said.

"What all has Xander taught you?" Joyce asked, trying to sound casual.

Dawn snickered. "Mom, subtle you aint," she said with a southern drawl. "Sadly, Xander says I'm much too young for a lot of what I do want him to teach me. I've gotten exactly one kiss from him and he had to be nearly concussed and taken by surprise for that!"

"I just want to make sure he's not taking advantage of you," Joyce said.

"I—" Dawn almost said 'I wish' but decided her mother probably wouldn't appreciate hearing that, even or especially if it was true and quickly changed it to, "can't see Xander ever behaving that way. He jokes around a lot and is very free with the hugs, but he's already said that with the age gap between us I'd need to be at least sixteen before he'd consider dating me."

"I'm glad to hear it," Joyce said, happy that her high opinion of Xander still held true.

"He's definitely one tough nut to crack," Dawn said with a sigh. "And even if it takes me a year or two to wear him down, at least I can cuddle with him to my heart's content in the meantime."

Joyce found herself smiling, the days unpleasantness forgotten for the moment. "What would you say to an ice cream Sunday?"

"I would hold my spoon aloft and say, 'My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!" Dawn replied.

Joyce laughed and turned the car towards the ice cream shop. School could wait till after lunch.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You peaked!" Buffy exclaimed.

"I was wondering what you were sitting on since you looked so uncomfortable," Xander replied. "Imagine my surprise when I saw it was your own nuts."

"You are taking this way too calmly," Buffy said. "What gives?"

"I just spent the last four hours sparring with someone who wasn't going to stop until I managed to draw blood, and has fought in duels that lasted days." Xander unbuttoned his long sleeved flannel shirt and showed some of the bandages beneath. "Exhaustion and blood loss make it very hard to shock me at the moment."

"Are you OK?" Willow asked, rushing over to examine him.

"I'm fine Wils, he just wanted to see how much I'd retained and make sure I was able to handle myself," Xander told her as she checked his bandages shocked speechless at the sheer number of them.

"Retained?" Giles asked concerned.

"I dressed as a magical prince and planeswalker," Xander explained. "And apparently the connection went both ways, because he remembered everything I'd done. To make sure I could take care of myself he gave me a sword and reinforced my memory and reflexes the quickest way he knew how."

"Where is he now?" Giles asked.

"Off to find Princess Leia," Xander said, stopping Willow from unbuttoning his pants. "She made quite an impression on him, so he's gone off to wander infinity and find her."

"He did, huh?" Buffy asked arching her eyebrow.

"Dawn decided a Jedi trained Princess Leia was much more interesting than the common version who hooked up with Han," Xander said.

"And what do you think?" Buffy asked.

"I think she's right and that you are actually asking a completely different question, which is 'What do I think of Dawn?'."

"And?" Buffy asked giving him a look.

"I think she's a great girl and if she was a few years older I wouldn't mind dating her, however as she is so much younger I think waiting until she's at least sixteen is a much more reasonable view. Now, girl who is fifteen and dating a man who is well over two centuries older than her and can truthfully be called a demon infested corpse, what is your opinion on the matter?" Xander said coldly, refusing to be cowed.

Buffy winced. "That's different, I'm the slayer." She sighed. "Yeah that sounded lame, even to me," she admitted after couple seconds.

"You're dating Dawn?" Willow asked, just to be sure he wasn't.

"I'm not willing to date anyone under fifteen and since there is a three and a half nearly four year age difference between us I told her she'd have to be at least sixteen before I'd consider it," Xander said. "I have no idea why Buffy has a bug up her butt about it."

"Dawn could wear you down a lot quicker than you think," Buffy said. "She is sneaky and relentless!"

"Hey Lucy, I'm home!" Dawn called out as she entered the library.

"Dawn? What are you doing here?" Buffy asked.

"I transferred from Forden after I was jumped by some bullies," Dawn said.

"Are you alright?" Buffy asked at the same time Xander asked, "What condition are they in?"

"Battered and bruised," Dawn admitted. "One has a broken arm, but she did pull a knife, it was awful!" She teared up a bit and Xander immediately opened his arms for her.

"Well you're here now and if anyone gives you any trouble I want you to tell me, alright?" Xander said as he held her and rubbed her back.

"I promise," she agreed with a bright smile. Opening the bag in her hand she brought out a huge ice cream Sunday. "Mom stopped by the ice cream shop but this is way too big for me to eat by myself. Share it with me?"

"I never say no to ice cream," Xander said as Dawn brought out a single plastic spoon and began feeding him, occasionally taking a bite herself.

"He's doomed," Buffy said shaking her head.

Willow didn't reply as she was taking notes on what Dawn was doing to charm Xander. "I could pull that off," she muttered to herself.

"Shouldn't we be researching how to correct the situation with Buffy?" Giles asked.

Buffy froze as she realized, she'd just absently reached down to scratch herself like a guy would. "Yes, yes we should!" she said anxiously.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	16. Chapter 16

**Faster Than Light**

**Daria/Ranma 1/2 cross. Wrote this for a thread on Bast's board but never posted it.**

**Amnesiac Ranma in a world not his own.**

Brittany and Jodie had drug off their respective boyfriends for some relief, but they weren't the only ones who had witnessed Daria and Ranma's response to being shoved into a closet together and the unnoticed watchers had come to the same mistaken conclusion.

Jane's muttered comment involving Daria, breasts, and biting probably didn't help matters.

That wonderful information exchange system called 'rumors' insured that the story spread faster than printing it on the front page of the local newspaper would have, at least among the high school students. Long before a smirking Daria and Ranma had returned with punch for their partially paralyzed pal, it was considered 'fact' that the three were on a date together.

Daria handed a glass of punch to Jane and sat on the floor with her, still smirking about having gotten one over on her friend. Ranma noticed a number of people watching them while pretending not to and closed the door behind him so they wouldn't start rumors about them.

Yes, you read that right.

"So, would you say your time in the closet was more or less rewarding than mine was?" Daria smirked in the dimly lit closet.

Seeing her normally reserved friend so cheerful Jane couldn't help but smirk herself. "I don't know. I think you came out ahead, after all you did get your mouth on one of these babies," Jane snarked hefting her breasts in her hands.

A thump covered up anything the heavily blushing Daria could have said and they both turned to see a passed out Ranma with a drop of blood leaking from his nose.

"Oh my god! Is he alright?" Jane asked panicking a bit as she hadn't dealt with any medical emergencies that didn't involve her brother and alcohol before.

Daria scrambled over to Ranma and checked his pulse and made sure he was breathing. "He's OK, but I don't know what's happened. He was fine when we got here then you hefted your boobs and thud, he's out and has a little blood on his lip."

"I know I have a nice pair, but I don't think they took down our resident Superman," Jane said having regained enough feeling in her legs to crawl over to the pair.

Ranma awoke at the point and rubbed the back of his head where he'd hit it on the ground.

"Only one way to test this hypothesis," Jane said cheerfully.

"Huh?" Ranma asked, still a bit out of it.

"Ranma look over here," Jane said cheerfully and then flipped up Daria's skirt.

***Thud!***

"Jane!" Daria cried out, pushing her skirt back down, cheeks blazing.

"Aw! I think I got gypped," Jane grumbled.

"What?" Daria replied glad that nothing was seriously wrong with Ranma, but still recovering a bit from Jane's adventurous idea.

"I got one drop for playing with my breasts in front of him, but a single crotch shot from you and the boy has covered his lip with blood!"

"Really?" Daria glanced at Ranma's face before realizing what she was doing and covered it up by grabbing a tissue from her jacket and cleaning up the blood from his upper lip.

Jane grinned at her non-conformist friend showing a bit of feminine pride. "Good idea, let's get him cleaned back up and back on his feet, then we'll quiz him about this strange reflex of his."

The two looped Ranma's arms around their shoulders and got the surprisingly heavy teen back to his feet, wrapping their arms around him to keep him steady.

"Huh?" Ranma said, being held up and shaken awake by his two female friends.

Before either Daria or Jane could ask anything one of the football players stumbled in with his girlfriend, both of them shedding their shirts before noticing the three.

"Oops," the guy said grabbing his shirt while his girlfriend, who apparently didn't believe in bras, did the same. They quickly vacated the room, locking the door behind them by way of apology.

"Hey," Jane said letting go of Ranma. "You didn't pass out."

"Why would I pass out?" Ranma asked.

"That girl was completely topless and you're still standing," Jane pointed out.

"She wasn't that good looking," Ranma muttered absently, as his brain began to put together what happened.

Jane frowned. "Daria's panty shot took you out and the same thing happened when I jiggled my breasts. Hmm." The artists came up with a new theory. "I was talking about Daria at the time, so maybe the key element is Daria."

Daria was glad the room was dark enough to cover her blush, although you may take note of the fact that she had yet to step away from Ranma, but she would assure you that it was only because he was still a little unsteady.

Then Jane said something unbelievably scary. "Let's test that hypothesis." Jane pulled up her shirt, revealing that although she believed in bras, she believed in a minimalist philosophy about them.

Daria found herself holding up a suddenly limp Ranma.

"Nope, he apparently reacts to both of us, but has no interest in cheerleaders," Daria grunted out. "Now help me hold him up!"

"Oops," Jane said. "I should have thought that one out more." She quickly helped Daria keep Ranma upright and shook him awake once more."

"Huh?"

"You keep passing out," Daria explained, wiping his lip clean of blood.

"Heh, heh, yeah," Ranma laughed nervously.

"So care to tell us what that's about?" Jane asked.

Ranma faded from sight, surprising the two and causing them to tighten their hold on him.

"I don't think you can sneak away invisibly while we're holding you," Daria pointed out.

"Damn!" came Ranma's voice from between them.

"So give," Jane commanded. "Or the shirt comes off!"

"OK OK! I..." Ranma's voice fell silent and he faded back into sight. "I don't remember," Ranma said grinning widely.

"Why are you so happy that you can't remember?" Daria asked.

Ranma thought about it for a second. "I have no idea I just know that it involves angry women."

"Drat, I was thinking it was because we were attractive, but I can't imagine women getting mad because you find them attractive," Jane complained.

"Some women do," Daria countered. "Maybe he was surrounded by militant lesbians," she joked.

"What's a militant lesbian?" Ranma asked, having never heard the term before.

"A whack job that hates boys," Jane replied.

A female voice seemed to echo in Ranma's head 'I hate boys' and he caught a glimpse of short dark hair. "Huh? I almost got something from that, there was a girl chanting 'I hate boys'."

"So I could be right, you get a nosebleed and pass out because you find us attractive?"

Ranma shrugged. "No idea. I remember a girl chanting that she hated boys and an impression of angry women, but that doesn't tell me why I get a nosebleed and pass out."

"You'd probably best sit down, just in case we trigger that reflex again," Jane suggested, taking a spot on the floor and waving for them to sit. "OK, Ranma, I promise neither one of us will get upset or angry if you find us attractive. I'd be more upset if you didn't think I was attractive."

"Really?" Ranma glanced over at Daria who nodded and was really grateful that they were in a dimly lit place.

"OK, now the cheerleader came in and stripped topless, how did you feel?" Jane asked.

Ranma shrugged. "A bit annoyed that she was interrupting us."

"You saw that she was topless?"

"Yeah."

"Breasts bouncing free?"

"Yeah."

"And you were just annoyed that she was here?"

"Yeah."

"I lifted up my shirt-" she began only to stop when Ranma held his nose. "Were you feeling annoyed?" Jane grinned.

"No," Ranma said, still holding his nose.

"If I ask what you were feeling are you going to get embarrassed?"

"Yep," Ranma answered nervously.

"OK."

"That's it?"

"Yep, I'm pretty sure we both know what you were feeling so I won't ask, I'll just sit here and feel smug that my breasts are made out of kryptonite."

"OK." Ranma wasn't sure what kryptonite was, but as long as she wasn't going to question him about what he felt he was happy.

"Now on to Daria's crotch!" Jane said forcefully.

Daria was again really thankful that only light in the room was from the cracks around the door, because she was pretty sure she couldn't get any redder. Then she noticed his eyes. "Ranma, how dark is it in here to you?"

"It's not dark in here at all, why?"

"How can you say it's not dark?" Jane asked. "I can barely see a foot away clearly and I'm sure seeing my mythical breasts in the light would be good for a week long coma at least!"

"Look at his eyes, they look like a cat's. They even reflect light like them," Daria explained.

Jane examined Ranma's eyes. "Cool!"

"Don't cat's see heat sources, like those infrared video cameras they wanted to buy for school security?" Daria asked.

"Wait! Didn't they take those off the market?" Jane asked.

"Not all of them, but some were taken off the market because they could see through clothes..." Daria trailed off.

"Ranma can you see through our clothes?" Jane asked before answering herself. "Of course you can't otherwise you'd have passed out in a pool of blood by now."

Daria sighed in relief. "So, how much can you see?"

"Well, I can see everything pretty clearly if washed out and gray, and a couple of times it looked like your face glowed for a second or two," Ranma replied.

"And you didn't think us glowing was worth mentioning?" Daria asked.

Ranma flared his aura for a moment, outlining his body in a blue glow, before returning the room to its previous twilight state.

"Well I know whom I'm calling if I lose my keys in the parking lot at night," Daria snarked, not all that surprised that Ranma was his own night light and relieved he didn't gain x-ray vision in the dark.

"OK, I guess if I could do that I wouldn't think it strange if other people glowed for a second here and there," Jane replied.

"Its not that hard," Ranma said. "I could probably teach you to manifest an aura before the year's up if you were interested."

"How much work we talking here?" Jane asked, curious.

"Not a lot, couple of hours a day and some moderate effort."

"Moderate for us or for you?" Daria asked, knowing Ranma used a completely different scale.

"Well the first two weeks would be really taxing, I won't lie, but it gets easier after that."

"Can simple humans learn how to do the voodoo you do?" Jane asked.

"Most of it, I think, but simple things like increasing your strength and speed, flaring your aura, throwing chi blasts are easy to learn, if you have a good instructor."

"Could I lift the jeep?" Jane asked excitedly, remember her vow.

"Sure, it'd take you most of the year to get that strong and you wouldn't be able to hold it longer than a minute or two to start."

"We are so in!"

"What do you mean we?" Daria asked not that she wasn't interested, but being volunteered without complain just wasn't in her nature.

"I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't try to insure you were suffering right along with me."

Ranma found himself nodding at that, suffering built strong martial artists and a good friend would want his friends to be strong too.

"Misery is such a slut," Daria snickered.

"I am not, I was wearing a bra when I flashed him," Jane protested grinning.

"Bra? What Bra?" Ranma asked.

The two girls turned to Ranma.

"You didn't see her bra?"

"It's a thin black number, just enough support to be comfortable without being confining?" Jane said hopefully.

"I didn't see a bra, all I saw was," Ranma slapped a hand over his nose. "You!"

"Eeep!"

"So while you may not have x-ray vision in the dark, you do have the ability to see through underwear?" Daria asked slowly.

"How would I know if the underwear is there if I couldn't see it?" Ranma asked carefully, his danger sense warning him to speak carefully.

"So when I was kneeling by your head and Jane flipped up my skirt... did you see any underwear?" Daria asked.

***Thud!***

"I think that was a no," Jane replied softly, wishing she'd known Ranma could see through underwear before embarrassing her friend like that, much less exposing herself the way she had.

"I'm guessing he can see through thin material if there is substantial body heat involved," Daria guessed.

"Hmm, if I remember my sex education classes correctly substantial blood flow to the appropriate area would mean-" Jane began only to be interrupted by Daria.

"Several possible things which I will never confirm nor deny, but that's not important at the moment," Daria said with forced calm.

"Then what is important at the moment?" Jane said nervously.

"The fact that I have no intention of being the only girl here who gave Ranma a major nosebleed," Daria grinned evilly.

"I showed him my breasts," Jane offered, hoping she could get out of it that easily.

"Nope, I'm thinking the Full Monty is more appropriate in this situation."

"Which means?" Jane asked, never having heard the phrase before but thinking it sounded like a very kinky sexual position.

"The pants, give them to me," Daria ordered with a grin and a fake Bavarian accent.

"Eeep!" Jane would admit to being at least a little curious and probably would have gone for a Partial Monty if Daria had bought her dinner first, as long as it only involved two fingers and nothing in the rear, but the Full Monty sounded way too adventurous to try with anyone who hadn't been dating her for at least a year first. 'Why couldn't she just be trying to strip me naked?' Jane thought as she tried to dodge Daria's darting hands.

Jane fought back, but Daria was surprisingly wiry. Thinking that she could use Daria's shyness against her she tried to mirror Daria's tactics with the end result being, a lot of squealing, two naked and panting girls, Ranma passing out with a shirt that was covered in blood.

"Oops," Daria muttered as she saw Ranma's shirt. "I think we may have killed him."

Jane examined him closely. "Nah, he's still breathing, but we better get dressed before he wakes up again and really does die of blood loss."

Daria laughed as the strangeness of the situation hit her. "I never thought I'd be in this situation before."

"Well you never met me and Ranma before, and your life was assuredly poorer for it," Jane said proudly. "I know mine was."

"You may be right," Daria admitted thinking of how lonely her life was before she moved because she refused to change who she was just to fit in. "But my acerbic and sarcastic nature says you'll never drag it out of me."

"I'll take the challenge, Morgendorfer. I will spend much time and effort on making you smile and I will enlist my Evil Hench Person Ranma as well!" Jane announced grandly.

"Evil Hench Person?" Daria asked while searching for her skirt.

"Well he can change sexes, which makes henchman a bit inaccurate and I'm already planning on ways to make you laugh that requires two girls for the situation to be funny!"

Daria grinned, not that Jane could see it in the dark, but she could hear it in her voice. "You don't happen to see my skirt, do you?"

"Yeah, I'm wearing it. Just put on my pants when you find them."

"Why are you wearing my skirt?"

"Cause it's your turn to ride Ranma!" Jane said brightly.

***Thud!***

"Did you just knock out Ranma again?"

"Nah, he's in the same position, now help me get his shirt off."

"What?"

"We need to rinse the blood out before it stains and find a light switch so we can run the washer and dryer."

"And so Ranma can't see through what little we're wearing, because I don't know about you but I think he's lost enough blood for one night."

**(On the other side of the door...)**

"I can't hear anything anymore," one of the teens complained to the others outside the locked door. "I think they caught on and turned on the washer so no one could listen in."

"Aww," sighed the crowd.

"What's going on!" Brittany asked, having returned to the party.

"A guy and two girls are in the laundry room with the door locked and they were making a lot of interesting sounds, but they turned on the washer, so now we can't hear anymore," the teen explained.

"What's the last thing you heard?" Brittany asked curiously.

"Something about it being the other girl's turn to ride the guy."

"They're still at it?! I can see why they turned on the washer, the spin cycle will help him conserve energy," Brittany replied.

"Really?" the boy asked.

"Yeah, it practically does all the work for you! If he's still in there with those two, he probably needs the help."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Thanks for not being mad," Ranma said.

The girls rolled their eyes.

"Once again, we can't get mad at you for things we did," Daria replied.

"Yeah, it was totally my bad. Except for the whole, 'both of us stripped at the same time', that I blame Daria for," Jane said with a grin, as she watched Ranma hold his nose shut.

Daria switched Ranma's shirt from the washer to the dryer. "If you had taken your punishment like a woman that wouldn't have happened."

"How was I to know the Full Monty just meant nudity? The way you were talking it sounded like something that required at least four fingers, extensive tongue use, and careful positioning," Jane protested.

Daria smirked. "So British slang is your weakness? Well how about I have Ranma knock you up at six tomorrow morn and then we can all three enjoy a little bangers and mash, if you get what I mean," Daria said suggestively.

Jane went wide eyed. "I'll agree to the second one as long as you agree we can forgo the first. I'm too young to spawn!"

"To knock someone up in England means to wake them up. You have fallen for my fiendish trap by ignoring the second thing to concentrate on the first!" Daria laughed evilly. "We'll be by around about 6:30 then." Daria slunk forward and leaned in to whisper in her ear, "And bangers and mash will be had by all."

"Eeep!"

Daria backed off, happy to have gotten the upper hand. 'I'll have Dad make some tomorrow morning and then we'll surprise Jane with them.'

Ranma stopped pinching his nose shut and wondered what it was about British food that frightened Jane.

Jane quickly turned around at the sound of the dryer going off. Not that she was retreating, no! She was just helping Ranma, that was it! She was biding her time until she came back with some stunning innuendo! 'Cause Daria was just joking about bangers and mash, right?' She had to be, because Ranma still got nosebleeds from either of them showing skin, so she had to be bluffing.

Pulling the silk shirt out of the dryer, Jane almost purred. It was just so warm and felt so silky. "Hey, Ranma turn around for a second, I'm taking off my shirt!" The sound of Ranma spinning around was comforting. At least he could still be out innuendoed! Jane quickly switched shirts, enjoying the feel of warm silk. "Catch," she called throwing her shirt to Ranma.

"Man this is tight," Ranma commented, pulling on the blue shirt Jane had been wearing that was at least two sizes too small for him.

Jane and Daria both were rendered a little speechless by the sight of Ranma wearing it. They'd managed not to stare when he was shirtless by teasing each other, but that too small shirt outlined exactly how well defined his muscles were.

Jane recovered faster, her brother's bandmates wandering around half naked having given her a slightly greater resistance. "You aren't going to complain about me stealing your shirt?"

"I have a feeling that it's happened a lot. Something about sleepwear..." Ranma trailed off confused.

"Good idea," Jane said. "This shirt is just so comfortable and it's long enough to use as a nightshirt. "You should get one Daria."

"You want me to steal one of Ranma's shirts to sleep in?" Daria asked, amused at discussing the theft in front of the owner.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "You can have one of the plain ones if you like."

"Plain ones?" Jane asked. "So you have better ones?" She grinned evilly.

"Yes, I have ones with elaborate dragons on them, but they take forever to make, so I don't let anyone steal them."

"You make your own clothing?" Daria asked curiously.

"Silk clothes last longer than any other type around me and it's cheaper to make your own than buy them," Ranma explained. "So I learned. Some woman with long hair taught me."

"Finally pulling through that amnesia thing?" Jane asked.

"Bits here and there, but nothing that makes any sense and some of the bits I do get are so crazy that I probably picked them up watching TV."

"Give me one of the stranger ones," Daria said.

"I was fighting a multi-headed dragon, but I wasn't trying to kill it, I just need some of the moss that grew on its back."

"Wow, that's a bit out there, but considering what we've seen you do, I can't say it couldn't have happened," Jane offered.

"The militant lesbian and a wrinkled old man wearing a cheerleader outfit complete with pom-poms was helping me."

"But then again it might be a dream you are remembering," Daria added.

Ranma smiled. "Thanks, that actually helps. Hopefully all the crazier things are just dreams."

"So you can make feminine type clothes?" Jane asked.

"Some simple designs, I think, why?"

"Well if we have clothes like yours then we won't have to steal yours," Jane suggested.

Ranma chuckled. "So you are willing to strip down to your underwear in my room and let me measure you?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Jane blushed but pushed through it. "As long as the lights don't go out, otherwise me and Daria might as well just go naked," she leaned forward as she said the last bit, pulling his shirt tight to show off her assets.

"Eeep!" Ranma clamped both hands to his nose again.

"Yes!" Jane cheered. "I win!"

Daria snickered and rolled her eyes. "Well, as much fun as this has been, I think it's time to head home. My parents are pretty easy going, but unless I'm home before Quinn, she'll use this time to play on their fears, in an attempt to keep me far away from the popular crowd, by getting me grounded for the year."

"Are your parents really that gullible?" Jane asked.

"My mom isn't, but my dad is. So while I don't have to worry about being grounded, my dad will worry and try and spend time with me. It's not that it's not touching, but it's touching and annoying at the same time."

"My parents are so easy going you'd never know they were there. Mostly because they're not," Jane said with a hint of amusement.

"My parents are..." Ranma trailed off for a moment. "I have no idea, but I think my father is a panda."

"I'd say government bred super soldier, released from a lab, just took the lead," Jane said.

"How do you figure?" Ranma asked.

"Memories so strange they have to be faked. They obviously programmed you with a lot of false memories so no one could figure out who made you."

"Or it could just be a dream with no deeper meaning than his father being overweight and liking his sleep," Daria suggested.

"That... sounds about right," Ranma grinned.

"Well at any rate, I believe it's time to go, if we want to save Daria from parental over-protection. So Daria, climb atop my trusty steed!" Ranma snickered and got down on one knee as Jane urged her to climb aboard.

Rolling her eyes, Daria complied, trying not to show what being this close to Ranma was doing to her. 'Curse you tiny blue T-shirt' she thought to herself and renewed the vow she made when she was nine, if she turned into one of those brainless, giggly girls, she would have herself cryogenically frozen until a cure was found.

"We are going to have to get you a coconut," Jane said suddenly, confusing Ranma and making Daria suppress a giggle that threatened to burst from her mouth, by pressing her face against the side of his neck.

Ranma stumbled and almost went down.

"Easy, Tantor, she doesn't bite," Jane promised amused by the bright red they both turned.

"Why a coconut?" Ranma asked, trying to distract himself from how Daria's breath felt against his neck.

"If you don't know the reason why, then I can't tell you, but there shall be much watching of TV at your place as we educate you on popular culture!"

"And away we go?" Jane said looking at the crowd outside the closet who began cheering. She quickly closed the door before they got a good look at her.

"OK, Problem. How do we sneak out when half the school is between us and the exit?" Jane asked thoughtfully.

"Why do we need to sneak out?" Ranma asked, confused.

"We'll have been in here for a while and we're wearing each others clothes. Normally not a big deal. Unfortunately, I didn't count on the crowd, so now we have to figure out a way to escape a room with only one exit, without being seen." Jane's brow wrinkled in thought. "Daria, you're being unusually quiet."

Daria didn't move from her extremely comfortable spot, but did lift her mouth from his neck to speak, "Don't care."

"But they'll hose your reputation!" Jane complained. "I can get away with pretty much anything as I've managed to convince the school I'm a crazy artist and not to expect anything I do to make sense, but you still have a mostly clean rep."

"Meh, never cared about my reputation in my old school and I care even less here," Daria dropped her head back onto Ranma's shoulder.

"So you don't mind having a load of hormonal school boys pester you, thinking you're an easy lay?" Jane asked, pointing out the one problem she figured Daria would care about.

Ranma's growl caused the door to vibrate slightly and raised all the hair on Jane's arms. Daria found herself having her legs wrapped around a vibrating Ranma an experience she wanted to repeat and decided she would be speaking with her mom about it, because she really wasn't used to feeling like this.

"OK, well then for the sake of the poor hormonal boys, who Ranma will cripple for bugging you, we will have to sneak out."

"I could just make all of us invisible and walk out," Ranma suggested.

"Seriously?" Jane asked.

"Sure, I'll have to carry you, so we're all three really close together and I'll need a sheet to cover us with."

"If we're invisible, why would we need to cover up?" Jane asked.

"The more I'm making invisible the harder it is, but I can cheat by making a sheet invisible and covering us with it," Ranma explained.

"Cool," Jane said grabbing a red satin sheet from on top of the dryer. "So how close we talking here?"

"I'll have to carry you, while you hold the sheet closed around us."

Jane wrapped the sheet around them, smirking at how comfortable Daria looked and suddenly found herself being held by Ranma.

Carrying Jane bridal style with Daria on his back, he carefully wrapped them all in the Unisenken's Thief's Cloak technique before opening the door and sliding out through the crowd of confused teens who were wondering why the door opened when there was no one inside.

The boy who'd been listening at the door was congratulated on an excellent prank, as everyone figured he'd set the washer and dryer timer and made up the rest. Only Britney and Jodie knew differently and they didn't say a word, although they did track down their recovering boyfriends.

Jane was curled up comfortably against Ranma and discovered why Daria was being so quiet. He smelled good! Jane buried her nose in the crack of Ranma's neck and relaxed.

*** The not so great escape**

*** Mother knows best.**

*** Dream a little Freudian dream of me.**

*** Something Else**

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	17. Chapter 17

**Reflexive Actions**

"Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?" Daria asked.

"Sure hon, what do you need?"

"It's a mother-daughter talk," Daria explained, gesturing to the kitchen.

"And which one am I this time?" Helen asked with a smirk, remembering the last serious talk they'd had which was mostly Daria explaining how she'd prefer to do her own clothes shopping as she didn't want to be part of the in-crowd although the words she'd used had been 'Barbie clone'. Helen had been both happy and sad afterwards. Happy, because her daughter was already finding herself as an individual and sad that she'd had to have it pointed out to her.

"The mother," Daria assured her.

"Does it have something to do with the fact that you're wearing different clothes than you went out in? In fact," Helen said as the kitchen door closed behind her, "I'm pretty sure I saw those being worn by Jane and Ranma tonight."

"I don't think so, but that's probably going to be a related topic," Daria explained, "and this isn't the shirt Ranma was wearing, this one he gave me since Jane said it'd make a great shirt to sleep in."

"OK, hit me with your best shot," Helen said.

"I bit Ranma!"

"Oh my!" Helen was momentarily stunned. "I didn't think I'd be giving this lecture so soon, but let me get some props and I'll be right back."

"So this isn't too weird?" Daria asked hopefully.

"No dear. Trust me when I say that every girl has that problem at first. It's a reflex that we all learn to overcome."

Daria relaxed a little as her mother ran upstairs to get a few things. With her worries about her strange behavior laid to rest she allowed herself to smile as she remembered how much fun she'd had.

Helen returned with a bag and pulled out some objects. The first object she pulled out was a pamphlet entitled 'Little Hummer Girl' that looked to have been printed in the 60's. The second item she pulled out was a box of condoms labeled mentholated, which caused Daria's eyes to widen, but it was the third item that had Daria blushing a bright red.

"Now this is larger than anything you're ever likely to run into, which makes it perfect to use for this. The mentholated condoms will help numb things down so you'll learn to overcome your gag reflex easier and the booklet is one me and the girls had printed up when we were in college-" Helen explained only to be interrupted by Daria.

"Wrong type of biting Mom."

"Oh? Well I suppose I should finish this real quick so we don't have to go through this again."

Daria nodded, deciding that finishing this lecture so she never had to go through with it again was more important that her current problem which they could handle afterwards.

"Well, really everything should be self-explanatory. When you can do everything in the booklet without using a mentholated condom to numb your throat you'll have overcome your gag reflex and be able to keep any man happy," Helen finished, replacing everything in the bag and handing it to Daria.

"OK," Daria said blushing but accepting the bag. "What I actually want to talk about is the fact that I lost control when giving Ranma a hug and bit his neck."

"Ohhh, the cave woman response," Helen said, happy that this was easier to deal with.

"So it's not abnormal?"

"No dear, it's not abnormal at all. A lot of girlfriends leave little love bites like that to warn other girls off. It's simply marking your territory."

"But we aren't dating," Daria protested.

"Well apparently you are, because you marked him as yours," Helen smirked.

"Isn't one of us supposed to ask the other first?" Daria squeaked.

"Well dear, normally there are a lot of steps before we reach the biting stage, but I'd have to say you did go through some of them. You've both had dinner here and at his house. He's been very attentive to you and listens when you talk. You went on a date to a party with him, the only thing I see missing is a lot of fumbling around and making out, but it's not mandatory and I can see a bite mark on your neck as well." Helen hid her smile behind her coffee cup.

"That's actually from Jane," Daria said.

Helen's eyes widened. "And that's a whole different speech."

"Mother!"

"Daughter!" Helen shot back teasingly.

Daria groaned. "It wasn't like that! She was getting be back for biting her breast…let me tell you what happened from the beginning."

**One story later…**

"I'd have to say it's at least a little like that," Helen said apologetically. "Ask yourself this, can you name one other girl you'd be comfortable enough around to behave that way towards and do you find it amusing or threatening when they behave like that towards each other?" Helen said reasonably.

"Point," Daria admitted.

"It doesn't mean you are a lesbian or even bi-sexual. Girls often have a girlfriend they are close to who backs them up when they are exploring their sexuality with a guy and they may experiment with the girl themselves even if they are not normally attracted to girls. Social pressure generally forces one of the girls to look for another guy, which is easier to do now that she's fooled around with the two and has some confidence. The couple vets the guy and if he's acceptable he's allowed to date the girl and they end up as two couples that do everything together and unless they turn out to be swingers the early relationship is never referred to again."

"You make it sound so…"

"Easy?"

"Normal," Daria said confused.

"It is normal honey, it's simply not openly discussed even by psychologists because the government would cut their funding and they'd come under fire by the religious right if they published anything on it. Truthfully my generation never discussed such things with our parents because despite the fact that it was common in their day as well, it was never spoken of because it contradicted the morals of the day. Fortunately for you I grew up in the 60's where everyone was very open about these things, before the 70's came along and everyone clammed up again, so I can tell you the truth. I don't have to tell you that nearly everything you learn has a state sponsored bias on it, just know that no relationship you are in is all that unusual and as long as it involves consenting people around your age I will approve of it because it makes you happy."

Daria impulsively hugged her mom for a minute before they both pulled back and pretended they hadn't had a tender moment.

"You're a lot more complex that I thought, mom. Not that I think you are simplistic, I just thought your life was a lot simpler than apparently it is," Daria explained.

"That's because you can't picture us as people your age. Just think about the things you've done so far and realize we've probably already done them and it's entirely possible that in the time since then we've done everything you are going to do and since we grew up in the 60's things that I sincerely hope you have the sense to never do," Helen finished, smirking at Daria's shocked look.

"Like acting completely out of character after being placed in a small walk in closet cum laundry room with Ranma and Jane for a while?" Daria said.

"It's called hormones dear, you now have a much better outlet than a warm bath, a couple of willing participants, providing you can keep one from dying of blood loss," Helen teased.

"So does 'everything' include wrestling my female friend while nearly naked with our boyfriend while who is a genuine superhuman and can see through underwear?" Daria smirked figuring she'd one upped her mom.

"Not quite, but I did make out with my girlfriend with mostly naked, while my boyfriend watched and he had the power to melt panties with a look," Helen smirked.

"Your boyfriend in high school had the ability to melt panties with a look?" Daria asked.

"College hon, and by melt I mean he could give girls a smoky look that made girls have to change their panties," Helen smirked.

"Well mine…" Daria trailed off. "What am I doing?"

"Just like any woman you are competing for who has the best man dear and you are becoming a woman." Helen smiled proudly.

"And I just realized I was arguing with my mom over my dad," Daria said stunned.

"Yep kiddo, your dad is a man. He's calmed down a bit since we were younger, but he's the same man who is banned from entering New York City for beating up their mayor, can't even fly over the state of Kentucky at all and we were both banned from ever attending Mardi Gras in New Orleans for another decade. "

"I'm beginning to suspect you two weren't always responsible adults, although I still doubt you were ever my age," Daria teased.

Helen laughed. "Well there was a very good reason for everything but the Mardi Gras ban."

"Beating up a Mayor?" Daria questioned doubtfully.

"We were just visiting New York with you and what looked like a parade was going on so we were waiting for it to go by, when this man plucked you for your stroller. Jake went for him in an instant, but his body guards got in the way. Jake could hear you crying because you weren't fond of strangers, even back then, so your father tore apart five highly trained bodyguards like they were made of paper to get to you and once he got you away from the 'kidnapper' he literally kicked the crap out of him. It wasn't until the crowd fell silent in shocked horror that someone told us what was going on. The parade was for the Mayor who was out shaking hands and kissing babies and your father had just ripped apart his entire squad of bodyguards and assaulted him."

Daria just stared in open mouthed shock.

"OK, I may have been responsible for making sure they stayed down with a few well-placed kicks myself, but really your father did all the hard work and the Mayor himself admitted it was an honest, if extremely violent mistake, but they still banned him from setting foot in New York City ever again."

"Am I allowed to feel proud that my parents committed gratuitous amounts of violence on a dually elected official and poor men just doing their job?" Daria said, having a hard time keeping a straight face.

"Yes you are dear, he should have known better than to just snatch up somebodies child like that without permission," Helen said firmly.

"Good, because I do," Daria said with a smile. "This has gone a lot better than I thought it would," Daria admitted.

"What did you think would happen?" Helen asked curiously.

"I was expecting to find out that I needed a shrink or medication, not that I was normal. I was half expecting to get grounded too," Daria explained.

Helen laughed. "Nope, you're just growing up, a bit slower and a lot smarter than me and your father did."

"Thanks, Mom."

"By the way, does mister 'can't see panties' have anyone betting on amnesiac Asian deity?"

"Nope, we have alien, experiment, and dimensional warrior bet on so far. Fifty per person."

"I'll take amnesiac Asian deity," Helen said firmly, handing Daria fifty.

"You think Ranma is a god?" Daria asked.

"Not quite, but I think a demi-god like Hercules fits the bill. I chose deity just to cover all the bases, just like a chose Asian rather than Japanese, just in case his mother turns out to be Chinese or something."

"I wonder if he can melt panties with a glance and rip apart armed guards like paper," Daria said with a grin.

Helen laughed. "My personal Hercules is a modest and retired demi-god."

"And… mine is just starting the climb," Daria said making both women shiver as the words rang in the air.

**Typing by: the last primarch!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Criminal Stupidity**

The three Lawndale teens were sprawled out in what had become their standard TV viewing positions. Daria was bootless with her left leg taking up most of the couch and the right one on the floor looking far more relaxed than her parents would have believed possible without some of the herbs they grew in their hippy days.

Ranma was sitting on the floor slouched against the sofa leaning against Daria's right leg while Jane used his lap as a pillow.

It was amazing how doing months of hard time together (high school) and spending most of their free time together had changed the three.

Daria had found two friends who didn't require her to dumb herself down to fit in with them, instead they liked the fact that she was 'a brain' and listened to her opinions and debated them with her. She was actually seen to smile occasionally, but if confronted would deny it.

Jane had found two people who liked her art and even when they didn't get it they at least appreciated the effort she went through to create it and often helped. Painting Mr. DeMartino's car a soft, two toned blue-green had been labeled a success as he'd been a bit less hostile to the world. It was a shame they'd only been able to get ahold of water based paint that had washed off when it had rained a week later and returned to its standard eye gouging orange color.

Ranma had found two girls who didn't hit him or jump to strange conclusions. He wasn't sure why that was important, but simply accepted that it was. They had even taken a bit of interest in martial arts and once Ranma had studied enough of modern artists and philosophers to be able to insult them properly, they'd gotten quite good, for hobbyists. He figured if they kept practicing they'd be able to throw a ki-blast by their senior year. He was as far above his father as a teacher as he was a martial artist.

The most obvious change in the three's lives from the outside was that they appeared to be dating. It had all started innocently enough… well maybe not.

Lawndale had an indoor heated pool and between that, a French thong swimsuit that Kevin had sworn was required swimwear for first time swimmers and the term co-ed swim class…lets just say it had taken Daria and Jane several hours to calm down a twitching Ranma.

The next day wasn't quite as bad in terms of amount of groping and of skin exposed, but it was safe to say that Ranma was going to need serious therapy if this kept up, so Jane had come up with the wonderful idea of having them both pretend to be dating Ranma.

"Huh?"

"No way!"

"There is a method to my madness. Hear me out."

"Huh?"

"I'm listening."

"We don't have to actually date, all we have to do is give off the signals that we are dating."

"Signals?" Daria and a now caught up Ranma asked.

"Yes, signals. We don't confirm or deny anything all we do is give off signals that we're dating. You know, like Ranma smiles at us and we joke with him. He does small things like grabbing us sodas when he's getting one for himself and we all act a little territorial when someone of the opposite sex approaches one of us and if someone says something bad about one of us the other two rip on them."

Ranma scratched his head. "How's that different from how we normally act?"

Jane opened her mouth and then closed it again looking perplexed.

Daria raised an eyebrow and looked over at Ranma. "You cad. Dating us both and not even letting us know we were dating. And here I thought I was still single," she said in her usual sardonic manner.

"OK, then we simply go to the next step. Touching."

Ranma and Daria turned bright red.

Jane signed and pointed at them, the floor and behind her. "Brain, gutter, out! Not like that you ninnies. I mean the occasional hand holding and leaning against each other. Nothing too outré."

Ranma cocked his head to the side. "Outré?"

Daria glanced over. "She means nothing too far out there. Just hand holding and the occasional hug.

Jane nodded. "You think you can handle it?"

Ranma nodded. "I can handle it, that is if you don't mind?"

Daria blushed. "I don't have a problem with it."

Jane smiled. "Excellent, and that's one less problem we have to deal with."

"Does this mean I don't have to deal with Quinn hitting on me anymore?" he asked hopefully.

Daria growled for a second before realizing what she was doing and pretending she was just clearing her throat. "Just refer her to me. I have some photos of a certain sixth grade birthday party involving a younger sister who literally buried her face in birthday cake. I also have a coupon for three free poster size enlargements and twenty page size prints at the local Quicko Copies."

Ranma sighed in relief. "Thank god! Every time that girl or her friends get near me it feels like there's this void trying to suck me in."

Jane bit her lower lip to keep from saying anything as she noted Daria's raised eyebrow and remembered that one of the 'voids' trying to get 'filled' was Daria's sister. Quickly switching to something a little less insulting, Jane quipped, "Is it the same void you feel around the cheer leaders?"

"Nah, they don't suck nearly as hard."

"That's not what I heard," Daria muttered to her and Jane's shock.

Jane smirked and made a clawing gesture in Daria's direction. "Meow." A flash of yellow drew her attention to Ranma's face. "Do that again."

"Do what again?" Ranma asked confused about the recent conversation and deciding he didn't need to know what they were talking about as long as it lead to him not having to deal with certain grabby girls anymore.

Needless to say the three were soon declared off limits due to a combination of blackmail, threats and subtle cues.

"Next on Dragon Ball Z the destruction of Namek!"

Daria and Jane both noticed it was getting a bit late, even for a Friday.

"I say we watch the destruction of Namek and call it a night," Jane offered.

"Sounds good," Daria agreed.

"If you like," Ranma said sounding a bit off to the girls.

"Aww, we won't leave you alone that long, I promise we'll be here bright and early," Jane joked.

Ranma grinned figuring he'd gotten the joke. It was at least ten hours till the destruction of Namek, even with all the commercials cut out.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Time for bed dear," Helen gently pulled her husband up from the couch. "Do I have to?" Jake whined. "They're just about to reveal Darth Vader's true identity!"

"Dear, it's Anakin. It was Anakin last time and it's Anakin this time."

"It could be someone else!" Jake defended.

"Honey, it's always Anakin. I don't know why you get so caught up in it."

"It just seems a shame to break up such a promising couple with a transparent lie about Vader being their father and them being twins. I mean, they look nothing alike!"

Helen shook her head, trying not to grin as she tugged her husband off the couch. "If they were identical twins, Leia would be a boy."

"But shouldn't they at least look a little alike? And what kind of story is it when the hero doesn't get the girl?"

"Han Solo was a hero."

"Han Solo shot Greedo before he had a chance to draw! That's not very heroic!"

Helen shook her head and tried a different tact. "It's Friday night and I still have that Leia costume…"

"It just feels wrong dressing as Luke now."

"Even if I wear the chains?" Helen smirked.

"Redneck Jedi to the rescue!" Jake shouted and swept Helen up into his arms, dashing up the stairs with more speed and energy than should be possible for a man his age.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Are you okay?" Ranma asked, as he and Jane stared at Daria, who had just given a shudder they both could feel.

"It's like a million fanboys just cried out in perverted delight, before falling silent," Daria muttered rubbing the goosebumps on her arms.

Ranma and Jane each grabbed one of Daria's feet and began rubbing them.

"There, there, it's all over now. The perverted fanboys are gone," Jane promised.

Daria melted into the couch. "If I weren't so relaxed right now I might take offense at your tone, knave. Bring me a soda of the caffeinated variety and you shall be forgiven."

"At once my queen!" Jane jumped to her feet and gave a salute that was quite popular in Germany for a while before it fell out of fashion. Grabbing a couple of cans of McCola from the fridge Jane returned to find a blushing Daria and an unconscious Ranma. "What happened?"

"He was rubbing my feet and he passed out," Daria was looking anywhere but at Jane.

"How did rubbing your feet knock him out?"

"He looked up," Daria muttered just loud enough for Jane to hear.

"And?" Jane drawled out.

"And my skirt may have ridden up a bit," Daria checked to make sure her skirt was decent.

"You shameless hussy you. Using your feminine wiles to render the poor boy senseless," Jane smirked.

"You know foot rubs are my kryptonite. They're like three syllable words to Dan Quayle. I zoned out and when I shifted my feet so he could get a better grip on my heels it must have slipped," Daria protested.

Jane looked down at the unconscious martial artist. "Have we figured out why he ends up with a bloody nose when this happens?"

"I'd have to say no, but we can cross off your guess of misdirected blood flow."

"How so?"

Daria pointed to the cushion she'd covered Ranma's lap with.

Jane picked up the cushion and then placed it back on his lap. "Yowza! I'd hate to get hit by that."

"I wouldn't say it's a snake," Daria rolled her eyes.

"Not even a spitting cobra?" Jane grinned.

Daria smothered a giggle and cleared her throat, trying to keep from laughing.

"Why Miss Morgendorffer, did you just find a sexually suggestive comment amusing? How low of you."

"What do we do with him now? And no suggestive comments please," Daria added, clearly amused.

"I say we stick a cushion under his head and use him as a pillow while we wait for the destruction of the little green guys."

Daria looked down at his lap. "You could put an eye out."

Jane wiped an imaginary tear from her eye. "I've corrupted you. You made a sexually inappropriate joke. I'm so proud."

"Who's joking," Daria deadpanned, before both broke out in laughter and rearranged their sleeping pillow…er, friend.

Jane curled up on his left side and used the side of his chest as a pillow. "Ahh… perfect, and no eye patch needed."

Daria casually slid next to Ranma and mirrored Jane's position on his other side. "You're right, this is comfortable. We can now add pillow to Ranma's list of skills."

"He's like a great big teddy bear," Jane ran a hand down his belly, but Daria captured it before it could get anywhere interesting.

"I was just curious." Jane laced her fingers through Daria's.

"Well be curious when he's awake enough to consent."

"Spoilsport," Jane pouted, but squeezed Daria's hand to let her know she was joking.

"Half the fun is his reactions and he isn't awake enough to react right now," Daria pointed out.

Jane grinned. "Yeah, but the other half is yours."

Daria, being the ever mature and intellectual teen that she is, stuck her tongue out at her.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"We have to find them and find them no! I want complete profiles on this 'Beavis and Butthead' and anyone connected to them!" the agent ordered.

**AN: I was planning on a crossover with 'Beavis and Butthead do America' in this one.**

**Typing by: the last primarch!**


	19. Chapter 19

**On the Mountain 6**

**Part 1 : Chapter 11 YMF**

**Part 2 : Chapter 25 YMF**

**Part 3 : Chapter 66 YMF**

**Part 4 : Chapter 6 YEMF**

**Part 5 : Chapter 13 YEMF**

The morning air was clean and crisp, with a lingering chill that didn't often occur on the west coast. The birds were chirping and everything seemed to be right out of a travel brochure crafted by Norman Rockwell, until you took a closer look and saw how empty everything was and spotted the scattered bones lying about like discarded candy wrappers.

It reminded him of Sunnydale, providing a strange sort of comfort. As he thought about it, he realized he'd have felt even more out of place if there hadn't been bones scattered about and death lurking in the shadows.

"My life is seriously fucked up," he noted, unable to stop himself from laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Finding humor in the oddest places had always kept his spirits up. Plus, he could almost smell the pheromones wafting off Cordelia, a legacy of the primal empowerment, that raised his spirits a little too much in his opinion.

He tried to ignore the part of him that was whispering about what Cordelia wanted because he remembered what had happened with Buffy, where her pheromones practically screamed sex while she denied it. It was probably connected to how danger and battle turned slayers on. All he knew was that it was best to wait for a clear sign with no ambiguity what-so-ever, rather than risk making that mistake with anyone.

Out of habit, he glanced both ways while crossing the street. The drug store's sign read open as it had for the past two years, and a cautious sniff when he opened the door revealed nothing more than the faded scent of pine scented cleaner and air fresheners that haunted such places.

The store was warm compared to outside and the lights were still on, reminding him to take apart the lamp and copy down the runes powering it.

He couldn't stop himself from peeking behind the front counter and seeing the body of the cashier... It looked mummified. He hadn't thought about it before, but now that he was taking a closer look he couldn't help but notice that - except for the bodies exposed to the elements - they all looked mummified.

The Halloween decorations still hanging in the store seemed remarkably appropriate.

He collected a copy of each magazine off the magazine rack and a couple of paperback books before checking out the rest of the store. Not trusting expired drugs beyond aspirin, he snagged a good-sized bottle of Jack Daniels and seriously raided the candy section. He was pretty sure candy didn't go bad for at least a decade and it would keep them from going hungry while he searched for something more filling. Grabbing a hand basket for everything, he also raided the toiletries for the full-sized versions of their normal bathroom supplies and grabbed a couple of boxes of condoms out of habit.

Stepping outside, he breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't realized it at the time, but he'd been expecting something to happen; there seemed to be a tension to the air inside.

Returning to their motel room, he saw Cordelia sprawled out on the bed: naked and bored. She didn't try to cover herself and smiled as she saw him, making him admit to himself that he probably wasn't wrong about what she wanted.

"Bare chested werewolf?" she asked on spotting the title of one of the books.

"Supernatural romance novels seem to be the preferred genre of our local drug store," he replied.

"I see Jack, but no Coke," she commented.

"I'll hit the soda machine and see if the ice machine is still working," he promised. "But promise me you'll go easy on the stuff."

She rolled her eyes. "You've seen me drink before. I didn't have a problem with it and I plan on being solidly buzzed for at least forty eight hours unless you need me for something."

"I'll just be looking around for clues and canned goods," he replied. "But when you drink..."

"I know how I get when I drink," she assured him. "I don't have a problem with it. Do you?"

"Nope," he replied instantly, knowing any other answer would probably get him hurt.

"Good," she said, relaxing a little. "I'm making sober decisions here. Now bring me my drink that I may drown some pain."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, amused.

Xander spent the next couple of hours checking the various motel rooms for keys and matching them to cars in the parking lot. To his surprise, he found several older vehicles that started right up, even if they ran a little rough at first. The newer vehicles were a wash, as they either had dead batteries or made strange noises and died.

Satisfied they had several ways out if need be, he started searching for something more than candy to eat. Not knowing the actual date made it difficult to know what food to trust, so in the end he gathered a box filled with canned goods and chips. Sure, the chips would be stale, but stale chips never made anyone sick. He also grabbed a jar of honey as he dimly recalled that honey never spoiled.

It was still pretty early when he called it a day, but all their immediate needs were taken care of and he didn't want to leave Cordelia alone for too long.

OK, he might also have been a little distracted by what Cordelia had all but stated she wanted and expected when he returned. Maybe it was shallow of him, but he was thinking that if he was being invited back into her bed, he might be being invited back into her heart as well.

"Xander," Cordelia said when he entered their room, "would you mind dropping your pants and getting over here?"

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	20. Chapter 20

**Marked 2**

**Part 1 : ****Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 44  
**

Xander pulled into a fleabag motel that was sleazy enough to give the Sunnydale Arms competition for its title spot. "I'll be right back," Xander told her as he parked in the middle of the lot to avoid attention.

Tara nodded timidly, averting her eyes and opening her demonic senses as much as she could. The motel spoke to her and what it said was shameful. It spoke of sex and sin, and hundreds of frantic couplings by people driven by lust and a churning need for some sort of contact. She could feeling it calling her, promising anonymity, promising to hide her from the eyes of the community, whispering about the pleasures of the flesh she'd been taught to abhor.

"Eeep!" She'd jumped a little when Xander had returned, startling her from her thoughts.

"I've got the key," Xander said, before climbing into the back of the motor home and retrieving a small bag he'd gotten from the drugstore on the edge of town when they'd entered.

Tara's eyes widened as she saw the bag. She'd never imagined demons using condoms, but maybe it had something to do with her being a succubus like her father had said. Maybe he was afraid she'd drain him like she would any poor boy she coupled with outside the sanctity of marriage.

"Lock the door behind you," Xander said as he locked the door on the driver's side.

Tara obeyed, and followed Xander into the motel room wondering if this was going to hurt, as the preacher said the first time always did, to remind them that it was dirty and not recreation, or if it would be like a wave a pleasure that would tempt her into sinning willingly, while making her crave it like a drug, till all she could do was beg for a man to couple with her like a beast in the field, not caring who it was or even if she was related to them, as her father had warned her… repeatedly, especially if he was drinking.

The sound of the motel door closing behind her made her pulse skyrocket and her heart beat loudly in her ears.

"I'll be ready for you in just a minute," Xander promised as he walked over to the sink with the bag.

Tara had to force herself not to look, knowing that the temptation to look upon his genitals was the demon in her trying to come out. She'd always known it would end like this, that one day her demon side would break free and drag her into a den of depravity where she would slake her ever-present lusts and lose her humanity. In a way it was a relief to get it over with.

She'd never again have to spend all night on her knees praying for her lustful urges to go away again, only to find it'd done no good and the urges were still there when the sun rose. She didn't have to worry that her deviant and sinful nature would tempt the menfolk in her family from the path of righteousness and lead them into sin. All she had to do was stop holding back the demon inside her and it would take over and she'd be free from worry and uncertainty.

Mind made up, Tara unbuttoned her dress with a trembling hand and let it fall to the floor so she was just wearing her shift, which only hung down to her knees.

"Put this towel around your neck and put on these goggles," Xander told her, as he handed her the aforementioned items and moved a chair to the sink.

Tara did as instructed while keeping her eyes tightly shut, suddenly nervous all over again. 'How much seed would he release that I need a towel and goggles in advance?!' she wondered in a kind of stunned horror. His guiding her to a seat in front of the sink was both comforting and nerve-racking as it let her sit so her knees didn't give out, but she was also very aware it put her head at waist level.

She kept her eyes tightly closed, letting him guide her into the position he'd chosen to start in. She forced herself to breath calmly, as the room whispered of various acts that had been performed in it and what was involved so she knew she needed to take some deep breathes now while she had the chance before he began.

Xander turned on the faucet and Tara jumped a little as she sat there with her eyes tightly clenched shut, breathing a bit heavily through her half-open mouth. He wasn't sure why she was so tense, but he knew it would probably take some time before she felt comfortable around him.

Tara was confused when he started wetting her hair and massaging her scalp. Slowly opening her eyes she was a bit disappointed to discover he was still wearing pants and was… dying her hair. She wasn't sure how he was keeping control of himself, considering the environment they were in. She let out an involuntary moan of pleasure as he massaged her scalp and felt a spike of lust, but he quickly pushed that down and all she could sense was the shroud of darkness that covered him once more.

Xander knew he was spending more time than needed on Tara's hair, but it felt good to see the lines of tension fade a little. Ok, hearing almost sexual noises as he massaged her scalp probably made him feel a little too good. "Now for your eyebrows," Xander announced, before carefully adding dye to her eyebrows, after making sure the goggles were firmly in place. "Now we just wait a little while and then rinse it out," Xander told her. "We are going for shimmering black, so that means we wait for the maximum amount of time and then massage in a special cream of some kind."

"O-ok," Tara said softly when she realized he was waiting for a response.

"I have some horn-rimmed glasses with clear lenses for you to wear that I picked up in the discount bin, since they were part of the leftover Halloween overstock from the year before. Next we are hitting a thrift store for some clothes that are more appropriate than the ones you have on… erm, had on," Xander said flushing a bit and trying not to pay too close attention to her. "I remember some of the outfits looked pretty good in a modest, medieval peasant sort of way," he said absently trying to make small talk with the nervous girl who had been a couple years older than him in the original timeline but was now the opposite.

Thankfully the timer Xander had set went off after a few more minutes of meaningless babble, before either of them got too uncomfortable. While massaging in the shining color crème, Tara found herself moaning again, not used to the simple pleasures of a scalp massage or the touch of another human being that wasn't a shove or a smack. Xander found himself lingering over the massage a bit and buried his guilt by telling himself it was helping Tara relax.

Once Tara was dressed again and had a chance to see herself in the mirror she found herself staring. The dark haired girl with the horn-rimmed glasses barely looked like her. Her hair was shiny and bouncy like one of the whores on TV and the glasses hid the lines around her eyes caused by worry and stress. She'd entered the hotel room ready to give up her humanity to the demon that had taken her from her home, only to find that wasn't what he wanted just yet.

As they left Tara couldn't help but be confused by the events. The demon who'd kidnapped her had an aura of evil and darkness that completely overwhelmed her own meager light, yet he spoke and acted kinder than any of the good men in her church and he ignored any rebellious thoughts or emotions she had and only reacted to what she physically showed like a pure human would. She'd been prepared for many things, but kindness wasn't one of them, she was confused over how she was supposed to respond. It had been a lot simpler when he was simply a demon come to… plunder her and make her one as well.

**Shopping**

Xander smiled encouragingly as Tara looked through the racks of clothes in the thrift shop for something better to wear. She'd seemed really hesitant to choose anything so Xander was simply collecting anything she showed the slightest interest in and was making a big pile.

Tara examined a blouse, the history of it catching her attention but not in a good way: the previous owner had been a sadist who babysat children just so she could punish them. She frowned and was relieved to see Xander dismiss buying the blouse unlike the huge amount he'd already collected. She was beginning to get the hang of shopping with Xander, which seemed to require facial expressions to get him to reject items. Xander had collected some pretty foul items before she'd realized that fact.

Seeing Tara eye the pile of clothes he'd collected, Xander started holding up items one by one and gauging her responses. He was pretty sure he was reading her correctly as he discard items that received frowns and nose wrinkles, while keeping ones that got interested looks and shy glances away. He couldn't see rhyme or reason in her choices as identical bonuses often garnered opposite responses, but then he knew he didn't understand women's' taste in clothes anyway. Tara glanced around the store but didn't look like she saw anything else interesting and Xander figured they had enough clothes for the moment, so he held up the pile and gestured towards the front of the store with his chin.

The cashier, an older lady in her mid 50's, smiled when she saw them and started signing with her hands.

Xander smiled, glad he'd learned sign language to help him communicate in case The Gentlemen ever returned, and signed back once he'd set down the clothes.

Once they were gone, the cashier turned to one of the stock girls and said, "What a cute deaf couple."

"Would you like to learn sign language?" Xander asked Tara as he started the motor home.

"It would be nice," Tara said quietly, surprised to find she hadn't stuttered, but still spoke at so low a volume he had to strain to hear.

"I'll teach you while we do laundry," Xander promised. At her look he explained, "They may have washed them - but they might not have, and they generally use a poor quality soap that may cause irritation, so when buying used clothes always wash them yourself before wearing them."

Tara nodded, seeing how that made sense, and was once again struck by how strange the demon was and wondering what purpose teaching her sign language served and in what manner she'd be expected to repay him. Maybe something involving her hands? Tara blushed as she considered the whispered possibilities some of the slacks knew.

Tara was tempted to close her demonic senses tightly and pretend he was just a normal human, but couldn't bring herself to do so. She knew he'd already started her down the path to hell by tempting her to use her demonic gifts, but the sense of freedom she felt was simply too great to ignore. Even if it cost her soul, she wasn't going to hide from what she was anymore!

Xander started humming along with the radio feeling a bit happier as he saw that Tara looked a bit more relaxed.

Tara sighed internally but refused to change her mind, even if the cost she bore was his singing, she wouldn't change her mind!

**Typing by: Thoriyan!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Turnstile Jumper – No Fare**

Harry looked around the empty train station. He could hear a baby crying but he couldn't see one anywhere.

"Hello, Harry," Dumbledore said, stepping out of the shadows.

Everything suddenly snapped into focus for Harry and he remembered… "I died," Harry said, pausing for a second before continuing his search for the crying child.

"Yes, Harry," Dumbledore agreed. "And no," he added.

"I don't think it's multiple choice, Headmaster," Harry said shaking his head as he finally found the source of the noise. "It's like being pregnant – you either are or you aren't," the young wizard said picking up the world's ugliest baby from a box shoved under a bench and trying to comfort it.

"That's Voldemort's last horcrux," Dumbledore said. "It's the fragment of his soul that was lodged in your scar."

"The final trace of humanity he cast off," Harry said tickling the baby who was slowly undergoing a transformation as it giggled into an adorable pink-faced infant.

"I never thought of it like that," Dumbledore admitted.

A black and silver steam train pulled into the empty station and Harry walked towards it while cradling the child.

"Harry, you can go back," Dumbledore told him. "You have the choice."

The doors of the train opened and Harry moved to step on board while turning his head to talk to Dumbledore. "I-ooof!" Harry stumbled back as he ran into someone, dropping the baby.

A blond haired boy, much younger than Harry, quickly caught the infant. "Did you just get feet this morning? Watch where you're going fuckhead!"

"Who're you?" Dumbledore asked, surprised to see anyone else at what was essentially Harry's soul.

"Someone who jumped the turnstiles," the boy replied passing the child back to Harry and pulling out a battered, half-empty pack of cigarettes. "They get snippy if I smoke on the train," he explained, lighting up.

"This train goes to the afterlife, right?" Harry asked, rocking the child in his arms so it would quit crying.

"Yeah, life to death, heaven to hell, the entire fucking ball of wax," he agreed.

"I thought it was a one-way trip?" Harry asked.

"Only if you're a pussy," the boy replied. "When I need a break from my 'life' I ride the train a bit, talk to any riders I come across, make sure no girls have to go to eternity with their virginity intact, if they look good or have a nice rack anyway."

Harry nodded. "Well, sorry for running into you and thanks for catching Tom." Harry boarded the train.

"B-but I set it up so you could go back," Dumbledore complained, following Harry.

Harry's voice drifted back to the blond kid who was enjoying a smoke, "I've played hero long enough, let someone else have a go of it, I've done my part."

The doors closed and the train pulled out while the boy considered what he'd just heard and saw a golden ticket lying on the ground. Picking up the ticket he saw Harry's entire life flashing before his eyes. "That is seriously fucked up," he muttered. "A giant pooch screw with three heads. If I'm going to do this, I think I'll back it up a little bit. Now where's the train schedule?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

He woke up in darkness and quickly figured out where he was by looking through Harry's memories. Apparently he'd gotten off at the right stop. He'd never tried this before but he'd felt himself getting burned out and needed a break. Balancing being a student and a superhero was tiring, even without the frequent deaths.

***Thump!* *Thump!* *Thump!* **

A large figure stood in the hole where the door used to be. "Oops!"

Harry grinned. "Morning, Hagrid, is it time for Hogwarts already?" he asked while his 'family' rushed into the room.

"What?!" Petunia and Vernon yelled in unison shocked that Harry knew just what they'd tried to keep from him.

"Got your letter right here," Hagrid said after putting the door back in place.

Harry accepted the letter and looked it over for form's sake. "Considering I was raised in a muggle household, how was I supposed to send an owl?"

"That's why I'm here," Hagrid said cheerfully.

"Let's stay the night at the Leaky Cauldron, this place isn't fit for man nor beast," Harry suggested.

Hagrid waved his pink umbrella and sent a fireball into the fireplace, instantly brightening and warming the room as well as making Vernon push Petunia and Dudley into the bedroom they'd claimed, where he could be heard blocking the door with furniture. "Not very friendly, are they?"

"They hate magic and everything connected to it," Harry said.

Hagrid nodded, taking in Harry's condition and likening it to the runt of the litter that the mother rejects and barely feeds. "I got a cake for you, but I may have sat on it at one point. Thanks to the storm we're stuck here till morning." Hagrid handed Harry a cake in a partially crushed box and pulled out some roasting forks and sausages before draping his coat over Harry like a tent.

Harry examined the coat and found Hagrid's tobacco and an old newspaper, rolling himself a cigarette and lighting it from the fireplace.

"Aint'cha a bit young to smoke?" Hagrid asked.

"I'll grow out of it," Harry assured him making him laugh. Between the sausage and cake, Harry went to sleep with a full stomach curled up in Hagrid's coat.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Kenny leaned back and put his feet up, hitting the massage button on the Lazy Boy recliner he was sitting in and pushing play on the remote. Cracking open a beer, he watched his favorite porn star on the fifty inch plasma screen in front of him. About halfway through his second beer he realized he was dreaming. He realized it because in real life he'd been kicked out of the store halfway through the opening credits and banned from ever entering Walmart again. Kenny chuckled to himself and watched the movie. Whatever task he was here to accomplish could wait until he finished. Once the movie had ended he hopped out of his recliner and grabbed a bag of chips on the way to the front.

The entire store was just as he'd remembered it of course, though he could see there was another layer of reality underneath it. The inventory was his memories, sorted into various sections with the clearance aisle being filled with his current train of thought. Electronics held memories of a high-tech bent while technical skills themselves were in the hardware section. Wine and spirits held an assortment of memories, good and bad, dealing with the supernatural while the underlying truths of existence he'd managed to ferret out were hidden in the dairy aisle in the bottom of the fruit on the bottom, yogurt containers.

A telepath would be able to stroll through his well-ordered mind and find whatever they were looking for with little effort…if not for one simple fact.

Kenny stopped at the front of the store and tossed the bag towards the registers, chips scattering everywhere as the bag fell. Instantly the shadows bubbled and tiny black shapes snatched up the litter and vanished, leaving the faint sound of claws on tile to echo through the store.

Yeah, Kenny didn't have to fear trespassers. The automatic doors opened in front of him and he stepped out into the empty parking lot, devoid of cars and carts. The stars twinkled overhead but it was a glimmer of light at the edge of the pavement that drew him on.

His foot found an empty aluminum can and sent it rolling across the pavement in front of him as he walked. It made a hissing sound as it rattled across the ground that caused him to pick it up and examine it instead of just letting it lie. It was an old can, worn smooth and bleached of all color by the elements, but it was more than that – it was a connection to the reptilian hind brain…

Kenny chuckled as he found it a lot easier to manipulate his tongue while holding it. Even if he didn't use Parseltongue he was planning to give that use a through workout in the future. He slid the can into a pocket of his orange parka and continued on.

He ignored the random bits of litter on the ground, he could look at them later but for now he felt something drawing him onward.

As he reached the edge of the pavement he saw it…the Mirror of Erised.

**Typing by: thoriyan**


	22. Chapter 22

**2's a Crowd – 5**

**Part 1: More Fragments Chapter 25  
Part 2: Yet More Fragments Chapter 52  
Part 3: Yet More Fragments Chapter 72  
Part 4: Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 48**

"Who dares to mess with my unit?!" the winged figure demanded, flaming sword in his right hand raised, ready for battle.

Buffy rushed forward even as Giles yelled, "Buffy, no!" Her sword shattered when it met the flaming blade and a side kick flung her back ten feet. Angel leapt between the two combatants, ready to sacrifice his life to give her time to recover.

"Harris?!" the figure demanded, his wings folding down onto his back as he squinted at the figure, the flames on his blade dying out. "No, but you are in his body. Do you want to explain to me what you are doing in my recruit commander's body?!"

"You know where my Xander is?" Cordelia demanded.

"I allowed him time off to visit you last night, Miss Chase. Are you saying he didn't visit with Ariela? I was given to understand that you were helping my recruits deal with their new forms," he said after examining her for a moment and figuring out what was going on.

"I thought I was dreaming," Cordelia admitted, noting the name tag on the black robes he was wearing. "So, Mr. Beccera, when can I get him back in his body?"

Buffy had gotten a new sword from Giles, but held off attacking for the moment.

"Within the next two weeks local time," Mr. Becerra assured her. "I can't be more exact because, thanks to Harris' encouragement, the recruits are moving at an accelerated pace. However, I won't be putting him back in that... thing," he said, gesturing towards Angel with his sword.

"What? What's wrong with it?" Willow demanded.

"It's not in the best shape and that's ignoring the fact that it's ... infected," Ed replied with a snort. "I'll requisition him a new body from supply."

"I have VD?" Cordelia asked in shock, thinking about what she'd been doing with Xander.

"No, you're clean," Ed said. "Him and the slayer have it."

"And such?" Cordelia asked Buffy with a glare, as she put two and two together and recalled a comment she'd made.

Buffy winced. "We thought he'd be dying today."

"Oh," Cordelia said, her anger vanishing like a blown out candle. "So I get him back in two weeks in a new, adult Xander body?" she asked Ed.

"Yes, Miss Chase. I'll see to it personally. I'll also make sure Xander's visits are extended long enough for you to get a full night's rest, as well as some time to talk," he promised her, noting how tired she looked.

"So, I get to remain human?" Angel asked.

"I have no use for you," Ed said, dismissing him as unimportant as he turned to Willow. "This is your one warning. Try to interfere with any of the angels under my command again and I'll introduce you to the CIC personally."

There was a blinding flare of light and the winged messenger vanished.

"Xander's been visiting you every night?" Willow asked Cordelia, trying to distract herself from what Ed had said.

"I thought I was dreaming," Cordelia admitted again.

"Can I see him the next time he visits?" Willow begged.

"No!" Cordelia shot back instantly before clearing her throat and saying in a calmer tone, "He visits in dreams."

Angel and Buffy held each other tightly, already blocking out the world.

"I can't believe Xander gave us VD," Buffy said with a frown as she thought about how that sounded.

"Cordelia's clean, so I probably got it from some infected blood," Angel told her, not wanting to think about how he might have gotten infected over the centuries when Angelus was in control and passed it on to Buffy who'd infected him in Xan- his new body.

"That does sound more likely," Buffy said, brightening up. "And now I don't have to lose you!"

"I'm human again," Angel said with a smile. "Permanently!"

Cordelia turned her back so she wouldn't have to see the two kiss.

"Xander's training with angels?" Willow asked Giles.

"It appears that way," Giles said.

"What are they training him to do?" Willow asked, turning to Cordelia for answers.

Cordelia froze, eyes wide; then frowned. "I don't know," she admitted. "We didn't talk about what he was doing."

"Then what did you talk about?" Willow asked.

"We didn't," Cordelia said flatly, obviously unwilling to talk about it.

Willow opened her mouth to ask anyway, but Oz laid a hand on her arm.

"I assume we can dispense with researching succubae," Giles said to a very red faced Cordelia who nodded.

"So we're going to have two Xanders?" Andrew asked.

"That's going to be confusing," Johnathan said.

"They're nothing alike," Buffy said, shaking her head as they rejoined the group.

"How are you going to cover there being two of him?" Oz asked.

"I have some contacts who can make me a new identity," Angel said. "I'll return his life to him when he gets back."

"We should take you two to the hospital for some blood tests," Giles said. "Hopefully a shot or two will clear things up."

"Erm," Buffy said nervously, "If this gets back to my mom, she'll kill me."

"I'm sorry, Buffy, but it has to be done," Giles said firmly. "Left untreated, some venereal diseases can cause blindness, insanity, and even death."

"There's an after school special for you," Cordelia said. "Why sex with vampires is a bad idea and... uh oh."

"What, uh oh?" Willow asked, seeing that Cordelia had just thought of something.

"You two didn't use any protection," Cordelia said.

"Vampires can't have children," Angel said.

"You aren't a vampire now," Cordelia said pointedly.

"Uh oh!" Angel and Buffy chorused.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Haddoken!" Xander shouted as he shoved his hands forward, rocketing a ball of white energy across the field to hit a blonde angel who smiled brightly in response, her black robes absorbing it easily.

"The blessing worked," she announced to the surrounding angels.

Ed face palmed. Only a Californian teenager would think of casting blessings like they were attacks to bless a comrade from a distance.

"Try the healing touch," encouraged a dark haired angel.

"Ok," Xander agreed, bringing both his hands up to his chest and cupping them like he was holding a ball. "Kami-"

Ed turned away to go search for something to drink. He was sure he was going to be the first angel in all of existence to get an ulcer.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Halloween After Effects: Warning Shots**

**Previous Chapters:**  
**More Fragments 22**  
**Yet More Fragments 50 and 51**  
**Yet Still Even More Fragments 14 and 15**

Willow had been showering after gym as normal, she was usually the last one out taking the longest to shower, when she just happened to notice Buffy stiffening and then Buffy...Stiffening! Both of them stared at Buffy's crotch in shock.

Buffy barely kept herself from moaning at the sensations she was receiving from her new add-on. Willow leaned closer and accidentally dripped shampoo on it, then she made the mistake of trying to wipe the shampoo off.

**A few minutes later...**

Cordelia looked over and saw Willow helping a stumbling towel wrapped Buffy to the bench. "Early visitor?" she asked.

"Completely unexpected," Buffy said looking a bit pale.

"You should go on birth control, it'll help even your periods right out," Cordelia suggested.

"I'll do that," Buffy said as everyone finished up and left for lunch, leaving the two female Scoobs alone.

"Giles," Willow suggested.

"Giles," Buffy agreed, recovering from her most recent shock, relieved to have someone give her directions as her brain was still trying to reboot itself. "Sorry for..." Buffy trailed off.

"Totally my fault!" Willow exclaimed.

"Thanks, I owe you one," Buffy said. "Erm... I mean..."

"I know," Willow said, face as red as her hair.

They both got dressed and Willow couldn't help but stare at Buffy who was having a hard time tucking it into her panties.

"We just took care of you, why are you hard again?!" Buffy demanded, seeing how it bulged under her skirt.

"Wrap your sweater around it," Willow suggested.

Buffy sighed in relief as she saw that the sweater did a decent job of concealing it. "I regret ever doubting guys who said it has a mind of its own!"

"Really?" Willow asked surprised.

"Not an actual brain, but its not listening to me," Buffy explained. "Cause I'm telling it to calm down and it's telling me to... nevermind."

The two were in the hallway when Buffy suddenly laughed.

"What?" Willow asked.

"We were just cleaning it and it went off!" Buffy said before bursting out in laughter once more.

"It's affecting your brain," Willow said wide-eyed. "That's a joke Xander would make!"

"We better hurry!" Buffy said anxiously.

**During lunch**

"I really should have thought of the ice cream trick," Willow told Buffy quietly as she watched Dawn and Xander.

"We both should have," Buffy agreed. "It's so obvious in retrospect."

"Yes," Giles agreed dryly, reminding them he was there. "I believe we have more pressing matters at the moment however."

The two girls blushed and quickly returned to the research.

"So, what's up with them?" Dawn asked from Xander's lap as she fed him ice cream.

"Buffy grew a pair," Xander replied.

Dawn glanced over at her sister. "She's had those and mom's are way bigger and I'm rapidly gaining ground."

"Dawn!" Buffy hissed.

"Not those," Xander said. "Below the waist."

"Xander!"

Neither teen seemed to notice her glare.

"Just this morning I was wishing I'd had a brother instead of a sister, since she insists on sticking her nose in my affairs," Dawn said.

"A brother would be even worse," Xander assured her.

"If you were my older brother would you object to you dating me?" Dawn asked.

Xander's memories of Corwin's favorite sister flickered through his mind for a second before he pushed them away. "You already know my opinion on the matter."

"Even taking into consideration my additional memories?" Dawn asked.

"If we lived in a different society I would have no problems dating you," Xander told her, "but here and now we have to publicly conform. As a former diplomat and leader you should know that."

"The key word there is 'publicly'," Dawn said with a grin. "What about privately?"

Buffy and Willow exchanged glances, worried that Dawn was already wearing him down.

"I wear my heart on my sleeve," Xander told her. "I am open and honest about who I care for, no subterfuge or hiding. The woman who I date will never have to wonder what I feel for her or doubt that I love her and I would post billboards and put up posters to that effect rather than consider for a second hiding our relationship. Love is not for the faint of heart."

Buffy was almost sure she heard Dawn purr from across the table and the look Willow developed was quite familiar to her, having seen it many times before.

"So the barrier is public opinion and local laws," Dawn said thoughtfully, snuggling into his chest.

"All of which will change in a couple of years, so be patient," Xander counseled.

"I can wait for all the things society frowns on," Dawn replied. "I simply want to do things that would be of a date-like nature, like see a movie with you or eat dinner and get to know one another better. Not necessarily romantically, but as a close friends' situation."

"I have no objections to going out with you and doing friend activities," Xander assured her.

Willow was quickly scribbling down notes on Dawn's actions and arguments while Buffy simply shook her head at how quickly Dawn was working her way through Xander's defenses.

"Good," Dawn said, "because I wanted to see the new remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes after school and going alone is no fun."

The doors of the Library slammed open as Snyder entered, his eyes lighting up as he saw Dawn sitting in Xander's lap. "Well Harris, breaking the rules about PDAs-" he began with a sneer.

Feeling Xander stiffen and sensing his worry Dawn glared at Snyder and snapped out, "There is nothing wrong with me sitting in Xander's lap!"

Snyder's eye glazed over. "There is nothing wrong with you sitting in Xander's lap," he dutifully repeated.

"You should go back to your office and catch up on your paperwork," Dawn told him.

"I should go back to my office and catch up on my paperwork," Snyder repeated turning and leaving.

"Well that was like sandblasting a soup cracker," Dawn said after a moment of silence, a bit shocked that she could feel the Force if faintly.

"Can the Force make people grow new body parts?" Buffy asked.

"I'm going to have to train you in the mysteries so you don't go all darkside," Xander told Dawn, ignoring Buffy.

"That's probably a good idea," Dawn agreed, suppressing the urge to grin at getting to spend even more time with Xander and still having a touch of Leia's power.

"Seriously, did you make me grow a penis?" Buffy demanded.

"If I could do something like that..." Dawn trailed off. "Leia knew about it in theory, but it'd take an expert and at least a month. The most I can do is give you a pimple."

"Too bad," Xander said. "Force healing would come in handy around here."

"That I can do," Dawn assured him, "but Buffy was asking about something completely different. Luke was very good about training Leia in things that would keep her alive, though I am no where near her power level."

"Darth was power incarnate and his kids probably weren't that far off," Xander agreed. "I think it's more likely you have a talent for sorcery that is manifesting along the lines of what you have been trained in, rather than you still possessing any of her Force powers."

"How much do you know about magic?" Giles asked Xander curiously, wondering if there was a connection in the latest events as a spell to make someone 'like' someone could very well cause someone to become similar to another person, rather than having them closer emotionally.

"Corwin knew the basics, preferring sword to sorcery," Xander replied, "but I need a half dozen cleansing ceremonies and some meditation before I would even consider trying the smallest spell."

Giles nodded dismissing Xander from consideration as a cause for Buffy's sudden change. "I'll have to ask some friends for a local contact who can help us with magical forensic work. It may be some days before we get a response."

"What do I do in the meantime?" Buffy demanded.

Dawn had to use a good deal of Leia's training to keep a straight face as she told Buffy, "Take it like a man."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	24. Chapter 24

**Naruto VIHM3!**

**Part 1 Fragments chapter 50  
Part 2 More Fragments chapter 31**

The Hokage sighed heavily as he arrived at T&I headquarters and discovered Inoichi hiding in the center of a group of nervous ANBU. "What happened this time?"

"No idea," Inoichi replied, eyes darting about. "Exploding tags and poisoned senbon seem to be Naruto's latest tactics. I think it's his version of subtlety."

Anko laughed from the sidelines where she was drinking a cup of tea while sitting on the ceiling. "I love the kid's idea of subtlety." A half dozen of her snakes were slithering around the room tasting the air for intruders.

"Naruto, come out right now and I promise if we can't settle this to your satisfaction I'll come up with something horribly embarrassing for Inoichi to do to make it up to you."

"What?!" Inoichi exclaimed in shock.

"I am, of course, assuming one of his clan is at fault once more, as I know you would not want to risk my wrath over something trivial," the old man said with a trace of iron in his voice.

"Hai, Hokage-sama," the fish masked ANBU said from behind Inoichi, causing him to jump and squeal like a little girl.

"Who?" Sarutobi asked, knowing it wasn't Naruto.

"Ino Uzumaki," the ANBU said proudly. "Release!" The fish masked ANBU fell to his knees and shook his head. One of Anko's snakes slithered forward and morphed into Naruto. "And Naruto Uzumaki."

"Naruto..." the Hokage trailed off. "I'm stumped. Normally I can read a situation at a glance, but how did you get one of your classmates to marry you and assault her own father on the same day?"

"And how did you fool my snakes with a henge?" Anko demanded.

"The Ino that was left behind in my head, I adopted," Naruto said to the Hokage, before turning towards Anko, "and what do you mean fool your snakes?"

"My snakes are experts at telling when someone is under henge," Anko explained. "You'd have to alter your scent and heat signature to fool them."

"Let's continue this back in my office," the Hokage said, seeing Inoichi looked to be in shock over something that had occurred.

**One quick shunshin later...**

"Ok, Naruto," the Hokage said, taking his seat and lighting his pipe, "what happened this time?"

"Sakura-chan tried to hit me because she wanted my seat, so Ino-chan took over her body and then Ino Yamanaka did some jutsu with the word purge in it and now I have Sakura as well as Ino in my head!"

"The Ino in your head can use Yamanaka jutsu to take over others, just like Inoichi's daughter can?" the Hokage asked carefully.

"And unlike Yamanaka-san, it doesn't leave a body empty and defenseless," Naruto agreed.

"But how did Miss Uzumaki take over Fish-san?" Inoichi asked. "ANBU are trained to resist jutsu like that."

"She did the handsigns and I grabbed him so he couldn't escape," Naruto replied.

"Of course you did," Inoichi said with a groan as he figured it out. "And since she shares chakra with you she can take over anyone who has less chakra than you."

"So Sakura Haruno's body is currently comatose at the academy?" the old man asked.

"Ino found two of her in her head and had one in a headlock when she got purged," Naruto explained. "So I have Ino and Sakura in my head right now."

"Which explains why you tried to off him," Anko said cheerfully. "Now, how did you fool my snakes?!"

"I can't take the girls continually arguing and fighting! Wait... that's not fighting." Naruto stood there silently, his face red, a drop of blood beading under his nose, and a far off look in his eyes. A moment later he passed out.

"Anything to say Inoichi?" the Hokage asked dryly, not bothering to hide his amusement.

"My Ino is a little angel," Inoichi said desperately, trying to repress the knowledge that a copy of his daughter had just made Naruto have a nosebleed and pass out.

"And?" the Hokage asked as Anko cleaned up Naruto.

"And I owe him... a jutsu?" Inoichi guessed.

"And some training," the Hokage agreed. "However, I want to know how Naruto now has yet another passenger in his head."

Inoichi shrugged. "It's long been suspected that Haruno had a bit of a split personality, which would be required for this to happen. The decision to keep or erase the Haruno personality in his head is his, so I claim no responsibility for that mess. On the plus side, this saves Haruno-san a couple of years of therapy."

"How will this effect Naruto?" the Hokage asked seriously.

"Unknown as of yet," Inoichi admitted. "If he was anyone else, I'd worry about his health and mental stability. However, having been inside his mind, I can say he's uniquely suited to host a number of other minds with no danger of contamination or any concerns about chakra depletion, especially considering the training you've given him in chakra composition."

The Hokage sighed. "I knew I was forgetting something. I never did arrange for that training."

"I'll take care of it," Inoichi said. "I can't teach him any clan jutsu, but I do have a large collection of non-clan jutsu I've collected."

"Something non-destructive, please," the Hokage requested. "Keep in mind his poor control and large reserves."

"His control has improved," Inoichi pointed out, "but I can think of a few information gathering jutsu I wish I had when I was his age."

"I'll leave you to it then, but I would suggest you make time in your schedule to talk to your daughter about her use of clan jutsu on Naruto, unless you like being attacked by a devious prankster who is rapidly gaining in not only skills but also in accomplices," the Hokage said with a smirk.

Anko picked up Naruto. "I'll just take him back to his place," she said with a fake smile.

"Anko," the Hokage called out before she could leave.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" she replied as innocently as possible.

"Buy him ramen and he'll tell you anything," he suggested.

"Thanks, Hokage-sama," she said cheerfully before vanishing in a swirl of leaves with the unconscious boy.

"I better catch up before she does something... unwise," Inoichi said.

The Hokage chuckled after Inoichi left. "Never a dull moment."

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"How did you fool my snakes?" Anko asked, handing a large bowl of ramen to the academy student.

Naruto accepted the bowl eagerly. "I just used henge."

"Henge only effects the eyes," Anko said. "To fool them you would also have to have the same scent and heat signature as a snake."

"Yeah, henge," Naruto said between bites of ramen.

"Henge only effects sight, it's a visual genjutsu," Anko disagreed. "It only effects the one sense."

Naruto henged into a snake. Anko looked at the henge closely, noting it had impressive details. If she didn't know any better she'd have thought it was an actual snake.

Then he slithered up her leg.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Inoichi sat in the dojo inside Naruto's mind and drank tea with the mind clone of his daughter. Despite his best efforts, he soon found himself responding like she was his daughter and not just an echo of her. "You shouldn't have enough chakra to suppress a jonin," Inoichi said, shaking his head.

"Why not?" Ino asked, knowing the earlier excuse in the Hokage's office was just a smoke screen to hide clan secrets.

"Because you are getting the vital component from... oh," Inoichi said. "Ok, that makes a big difference. I forgot to account for Uzumaki vitality... A Yamanaka with Uzumaki vitality would be incredibly hard to block. I wonder how the genetics would-"

"Daddy!" Ino interrupted. "No setting up Naruto with me... even other me!"

"I'm here to teach you a jutsu," Inoichi said, changing the subject.

"Really?" Ino asked excitedly, completely missing the fact that her father hadn't agreed with her.

"Really," he assured her. "I may not be teaching you clan jutsu any more, but you know I do collect other techniques that I find even slightly connected to our specialty."

Ino perked right up on hearing that. While not being able to learn any new clan techniques was a bit of a sore spot, the chance to learn something Ino Yamanaka didn't know was enough to make her grin widely.

Looking at her former self through Naruto's eyes (literally), she'd seen how little effort she actually put into being a ninja, as opposed to how much effort Naruto did and was more than little ashamed. He'd proven so many of her previous opinions to be wrong that she now looked on her other self as a deluded fool and was looking for as many ways as possible to distinguish herself from her.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"Things were just getting good!" Sakura complained, cocooned as she was in several furry red tails.

"There is a time and place for sexual activity," the fox said, amused.

"Here and now," Sakura agreed.

"You have no concept of restraint, do you?" she asked.

"Bondage? Count me in!"

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Anko held up the limp snake. "Why does he keep passing out with a nosebleed? He didn't even slither anywhere interesting yet."

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	25. Chapter 25

**Sleepless 2**

**Part One : Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 9**

"You are adapting to the boosts a lot faster than I expected," Coach Marin said, puzzled. "The drain on your body's resources to fuel the change should be much greater than they are."

"Is that a bad thing?" Alex asked.

"No, it is a very good thing, just confusing," he replied. "I can't tell where you are getting the extra energy from, so I can't rely on it staying at the same level. You are going to have to eat more sea food, just as a precaution."

"You're the boss," Alex replied as he strapped lead weights to himself and entered the pool.

"This next boost I am readying will enhance your reflexes and increase your senses," Coach Marin said while Alex swam laps in the pool.

"Increase my senses?" Alex asked.

"Neurological changes will allow you to process information much more quickly and accurately," Coach Marin explained. "A side effect of that is that you will no longer ignore eighty percent of what your senses are telling you, which is what most people do."

"That sounds like one hell of a side effect," Alex said, talking while he swam without varying his pace.

"It got me a blonde secretary with no filing or typing abilities as a bonus," Marin said with a smirk.

"Then what... oh!" Alex said in surprise before crashing into the end of the pool.

The coach laughed. "If you'd taken this boost already, you'd have figured it out before you crashed into the wall."

Alex climbed out of the pool. "Who knew you scientists got up to all that? They didn't mention it in any book I ever read."

"Mother Russia knew how to motivate people," the coach said with a wistful smile. "These days it's all stick, no carrot."

"It's ready?" Alex asked.

"Da!" Coach Marin said excitedly. "I hope you don't mind needles, because I have to inject you in a dozen different spots to insure a uniform distribution of the serum."

"Way too late to back out now," Alex said. "Let's do this."

"Sit in this chair while I get everything ready," Coach Marin said.

A tray with a dozen syringes was laid out and Alex had a strap between his teeth when Vice Principal Snyder came in.

Alex froze, wondering how they were going to explain this.

"What are you doing?" Snyder demanded.

"I'm injecting him with steroids. What does it look like I'm doing?" Coach Marin asked.

"I- erm, isn't that illegal?" Snyder asked, eyes wide.

"Only in the Olympics, but we aren't competing in them, plus this formula can't be detected by even the latest tests," the coach explained.

"Don't those shrink the..." Snyder gestured downwards.

"Yes, they do," Coach Marin agreed. "Fortunately Alex has big enough balls that it's not noticeable."

"I'll just let you get back to that," Snyder said, backing away before vanishing out the door.

Alex laughed and spit out the strap. "I think you're the one with the massive pair here."

"Says the soldier allowing himself to be experimented on," the coach said absently as he re-checked everything.

"This wont shrink...?" Alex gestured downwards.

Coach Marin laughed.

"No, seriously!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Alex looked across the lunch room where Willow was sitting with Buffy. He could almost hear what they were saying, but the cacophony of sounds from all corners of the lunch room drowned them out.

He had thought that having sharper senses would be painful, making everything too loud and too bright, but instead it was just distracting. His attention kept getting drawn from one thing to the next like the worst case of ADD ever. He could smell... well he wasn't quite sure what he was smelling, not having smelled whatever it was before. The amount of things he could smell was insane and unfortunately did not come with a manual, so he was having to guess about a lot of it.

He could hear everything, from the quiet buzz of a Walkman that had accidentally been switched on in someone's backpack, to the high pitched whine of the overhead fluorescent lights. He could hear countless conversations going on around him, but he couldn't filter out one voice among the multitudes yet, so it just sounded more like the roar of the ocean than anything intelligible.

His vision was a bit wonky as well. Colors were brighter and more varied, and there was a sort of glow... It was another sense he was going to have to work on to figure out what was going on.

The only senses he wasn't having problem with were what he thought of as body senses. He could feel exactly where every bit of him was in relation to the rest of him, in minute detail. He could feel the temperature more accurately than a thermometer, which was quite a step up from simple hot, cold, too hot, and too cold; which is what most people dealt with.

Vibrations and air currents were taking up a lot of his attention at the moment. In the Spider-man comics they claimed a spider's ability to sense danger was a psychic sixth sense, but in reality it was their ability to sense the very air around them that did it. If he hadn't known what was going on then he would have sworn someone had laced his school issued gruel with LSD.

Sensing someone approaching from behind, he turned and saw Amy carrying her lunch tray. Sitting beside him, she gave him a bright smile. "Hey, Xander. You're looking fit."

"Alex," he corrected her. "I joined the swim team and started working out," he said. "You look like you've been putting some hours in the gym yourself."

"Thanks," Amy said with a bright smile. "Glad to see all my hard work and dieting hasn't been for nothing."

Thanks to his much faster thought process, it only took Alex a couple of seconds to realize she was flirting with him. "You're flirting with me!" Alex exclaimed immediately, blurting it out in shock.

"Is that a problem?" Amy asked, amused.

"No. I'm just not used to having pretty girls flirt with me," he admitted.

Amy's smile widened and Alex noted half a dozen physical changes in her that he was pretty sure he was reading correctly as her not being remotely upset at his response.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Buffy noticed Willow had fallen silent and saw the shy redhead was staring at something across the crowded lunch room. Turning, she followed her gaze to where a dark haired young man was sitting with a blonde girl who laughed at something he said. "You could tell him," Buffy said quietly, even though she was the one who had insisted on keeping her destiny and its dangers a secret. But given a choice between secrecy and her new friend's happiness, Buffy chose her friend.

"No. It's better this way," Willow said softly. "I'd rather Xander hated me than he ended up hurt or killed."

"It's your decision," Buffy agreed. "If you ever change your mind, let me know and I'll do my best to help."

The bell rang, ending lunch, and the two stood up to drop off their trays, and leave.

"Thanks, Buffy. I appreciate it," Willow said, giving her a small smile and taking comfort in her friend's support.

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	26. Chapter 26

**Dr. Drakken's High Tech Fortress**

Shego and Kim were exchanging blows at speeds to make the henchmen stare in awe, if they weren't already knocked out.

"Not again," Drakken groaned as he saw Ron with his hand on the fortress' self-destruct button. "Every time I come up with a foolproof plan, Kim and that fool stop me!"

Ron grinned. Even if Drakken couldn't remember his name, he at least acknowledged that Ron was a part of the reason he was defeated time and time again.

"And today's my birthday!" Drakken whined.

Ron paused. "I still have to hit the button, but…"

"But?" Drakken asked.

"Do you have any button on that console of yours that can dump a gallon of oil on those two?" Ron asked.

"I suppose I could use the core drill oiller, but why?" Drakken asked.

"You hit that button and I'll hold off hitting this button until you figure it out," Ron promised.

"Ok," Drakken said, "but it's a switch not a button."

"Just do it," Ron said.

"Fine," Drakken said with a sigh, flicking a switch that caused a large jet of synthetic mineral oil to spurt from the ceiling, oiling the core drill but also overshooting and hitting the two fighters with a couple of gallons, knocking them down.

Shego quickly extinguished her flames as she was only immune to her own flames and wasn't going to risk setting the oil on fire.

"Ha, no plasma powers now!" Kim yelled tackling Shego, the pair of them sliding across the floor. They quickly resorted to grappling as trying to punch or kick someone was a sure way to make them lose their own footing. Drakken watched the two wrestle as the oil soaked into their clothes, making them cling like a second skin. Zippers and buttons, loosened by the oil, started opening on their own.

"This is the greatest birthday present ever!" Drakken said, tears in his eyes.

**LATER**

"They found out it was your idea and put you in traction for it?" Felix asked from Ron's bedside as he listened to the blond in the full body cast tell him what happened.

Ron laughed. "Nah, this is because they discovered I was the one who put the video up on YouTube."

**Typing by an apologetic Thoriyan **


	27. Chapter 27

**Sorry, You didn't win **

Xander looked down at his paws and sighed. He'd died and started another loop, but he was still a Mau. The magical artifact used to change his species was apparently powerful enough for the effects to stretch past the loop it'd occurred in.

Thankfully he appeared to be back in Sunnydale and not stuck in Japan, though that fused loop had been fun. He was still new to the loops, having been tagged in by his older self (his older self had gone through thousands of loops) and given a box before vanishing.

The box had contained a New Looper's handbook, a pre-made subspace pocket, a number of weapons, several books, and other assorted valuables. All of which had gotten dumped straight into his new subspace pocket as it activated. This turned out to be a good thing because anything that hadn't been in his pocket when the loop reset would be gone forever. Xander had lost the handbook and a lightsaber five minutes after stashing everything else, as he had ignored the warnings about needing to be a skilled swordsmen before using said weapon. He had managed to slice himself clean in half while he had been fooling around with the lightsaber, his last thought before resetting had been how odd it felt to be falling in two opposite directions at the same time.

Thankfully he'd at least paged through the handbook so he wasn't totally in the dark. Still, he really wished he'd actually read it before going 'ohhh shiny' at the sight of the lightsaber and ending that loop in record time. His older self should have known how irresponsible he could be and how he would react and not have included a lightsaber.

'Oh well, Que Sera, Sera,' Xander thought to himself as he climbed the trellis outside his bedroom window and found, much to his surprise, that 'he' was still in bed.

The alarm went off and Xander rolled over in bed and hit the snooze button, not waking for even a second.

Xander the Mau entered through the open window and carefully picked his way through the minefield of dirty clothes to leap up on the nightstand. He then hit the alarm button with a paw, setting it off.

Xander hit the snooze button without waking.

This cycle repeated three more times before the black cat moved the alarm clock to the far edge before setting it off once more.

Xander's hand dropped down on the spot where the clock should have been and felt around blindly.

"Xander, wake up!" the cat ordered.

"Mrrppphh?" Xander mumbled.

"I'm not your mom, get up or I'll tell Buffy about that dream you had involving her, Joyce, and Harmony," the cat threatened.

"Ahh! I'm up!" Xander sat right up and looked around, his eyes wide "What the hell?!"

The cat shut off the alarm. "Do I have your attention now?" he asked.

Xander looked at the Mau and blinked a couple times before finally responding, "I'm still dreaming aren't I?"

"Pinch yourself," the Mau suggested.

"Ow!" Xander groaned once he'd pinched himself, "Ack! Not dreaming. If you're here to give me a magical locket that allows me to transform into Sailor Moon, I'll need to shave my legs first."

Xander the Mau laughed. "No, but we might want to pull that one on Buffy or Willow as a joke. I'm you from another timeline," he explained. "Time got reset and I'm guessing I had enough protective magic that instead of getting wiped or merging with you, I kinda just got dropped into the new timeline unchanged. And how do you know about the Sailor Senshi?"

"Merging with me?" Xander asked before adding, "Sailor moon is the name of a popular anime about ten years ago, and the Sailor Senshi were the main characters in it."

"We are the same person, just from different timelines," the cat explained. "Normally we'd just have merged as time reset itself."

Had a lot of experience with that?" Xander asked as he got up from his bed.

"Usagi rewound the clock a couple of times," The cat admitted, "but mostly I know it because I keep reliving Sunnydale and my life here. The whole Sailor Moon thing is what's called a fused loop where the normal time loop gets tangled with another."

"It's way too early for this," Xander complained as he picked up some relatively clean clothes off the floor. "Let me get a shower and then we'll talk."

**One shower and two bowls of cereal later... **

"OK, I'm awake enough to talk now," Xander said, dressed and ready for school.

"Just to recap, I'm you from another timeline who lived through a dozen or so lives and in the last one, I got tangled up in the Sailor Moon cast and turned into a pussy... err I mean a Mau," the cat explained.

"Ok, so you know what's coming up then?" Xander asked.

"Yep, but once we start making changes that'll change as well, and not all loops are the same, so I can be flat out wrong at times," the cat warned.

"Anything is better than nothing," Xander replied.

"OK, what's the last major event?" the cat asked.

"I got possessed by a hyena," Xander said with a sigh, still recalling how much that had sucked.

"Hyena possession," Xander-cat replied to his human self with a nod. "Angel's been revealed to be a vampire?"

"And Buffy's still into him!" Xander complained.

"Let it go," Xander-cat suggested. "Buffy is only interested in doomed relationships. I have yet to see a loop where her sex life doesn't come with a body count."

"Wait... what?" Xander asked.

"She liked him when she thought he was a decade older than her and into jailbait with enough baggage for a world cruise," the cat explained. "Unless you're willing to turn yourself into a tortured loser or a monster she will never give you the time of day."

"So in dozens of lives, you've never hooked up with her?"

"Sure I have, got turned into a werewolf and scarred willow, which turned myself into a brooding loser even though Willow wasn't turned into a werewolf and got laser surgery to remove the scar."

"So what happened?" Xander asked curiously.

"Willow met a witch in college named Tara, who convinced me I wasn't a monster and so I stopped brooding and managed to gain control over my beast. Being happy and well-adjusted repelled Buffy like holding up a cross to a vamp. She dumped me and started dating a vampire three days later."

"Ouch..." Xander said with a wince. "Was the sex at least good?"

"And kinky too," the cat agreed with a nod. "But back to the original question. The next major event is Joyce's boyfriend turning out to be a serial killer robot."

"You're kidding!" Xander exclaimed.

"I wish I was," the cat replied. "A genius made him during the fifties to take his place, so the robot has been marrying women and sticking bodies in the basement since."

"There must be hundreds down there," Xander said, shaking his head.

"Only four if I remember right," the cat replied.

"Only four?" Xander asked slightly confused. "Don't serial killers kill frequently? Not just once a decade?"

"All I know is he uses drugs on people and has four dead wives in the basement. Between that and thinking that slapping Buffy is the proper way to discipline her, we never looked any farther."

"So he might not have killed them?" Xander asked.

"Tissue samples show a buildup of toxic chemicals in the system," the cat explained. "He may not have intentionally killed them, but continually drugging them certainly contributed to their death."

"He probably just needs new programing," Xander said, recalling what little he knew about the fifties and the number of things it had gotten wrong in the way of side effects from common drugs, among other things.

"Buffy usually beats him to death with a frying pan," the cat replied. "I usually don't mess with what works."

"So what have you been doing while living the same life over and over?" Xander asked.

Making up for the holes in my education and learning what changes triggers what."

"How well did that work for you?" Xander asked.

"Like lead tits on the titanic," the cat admitted. "I swear the Hellmouth lives to fuck up our plans. I managed to learn quite a lot only to find that different loops have different rules. I cant even pass a history test with any degree of certainty."

"Mind if I take you to Giles, to verify some of this?" Xander asked.

Xander-cat thought about it for a moment before deciding, "I can hide in your backpack, but stop by McDonald's and get me a dozen breakfast burritos."

"That's a bit out of my price range," Xander admitted.

The cat turned his head like he was going to bite his shoulder but instead spit out a fifty dollar bill. "Make sure it has the right president on it. I'm pretty sure that'll cover breakfast."

"And then some," Xander agreed. "Where did you hide it?"

"Subspace pocket," Xander-cat replied, "it allows me to carry stuff through the time loops."

"Cool, anything interesting?"

"Tons, but we can discuss it later," the cat told him.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo **

"Morning Xander," Giles said. "It's unusual to see you up and about this early, is something amiss?"

Xander unzipped his backpack and set it on the table, allowing a black tomcat with a golden moon symbol on its forehead to step out.

"Pass me the sausage McMuffins," the cat requested. "The smell has been driving me nuts for the last five minutes!"

"Just a tad," Xander answered Giles.

"A talking cat?" Giles asked as said cat started taking and unwrapping the food from a McDonald's bag with surprising dexterity, considering his lack of thumbs.

"I'm a Mau, Lunar not Egyptian," the cat said between bites of food.

"I've never heard of a Lunar Mau," Giles admitted while Xander sat down and started eating as well.

"That's because in this reality we are cartoon characters," the cat explained, before telling Giles everything he'd told Xander earlier about his situation.

"I find that rather hard to believe," Giles said bluntly.

"Really, Ripper?" the cat asked. "Well let me give you some further proof then." The black cat turned his head and when he turned it back he was holding a journal which he then dropped in front of himself and started paging through. "Oops, Ted comes later, we are dealing with a demon that was scanned into the internet named Moloch next."

"Scanned in?" Giles asked.

"You get a load of books from the Watchers that Willow scans into the computer and one of them turns out to be Moloch The Corrupter who was imprisoned in a book. He seduces and destroys people. He has two students build him a robot body and then tries to seduce Willow before Buffy destroys him. You can see why I'd get the two events mixed up."

"Erm, question," Giles said.

"Yes?" Xander-cat replied.

"Where did you get the tiny glasses?" Xander interrupted, pointing at the tiny glasses the cat was now wearing.

Xander-cat looked at him over the top of the glasses. "Magic."

"Magic?" Xander asked.

"Magic," Xander-cat agreed.

"Magic," Xander said with a nod.

"Which book?" Giles asked.

"No idea," Xander-cat replied. "I think it was a big leather one with vellum pages, you'll just have to search for it."

"I thought you knew the future," Giles said.

"I know a dozen futures," the cat replied easily, "but that doesn't mean I'm infallible or have a photographic memory."

"Point," Giles admitted.

"Almost forgot," the cat said. "You meet Jenny Calendar, or rather Janna Kalderash. She's a Gypsy sent by her family to ensure Angel's curse stays strong. Giles and her her hit it off until she's killed by a recently freed Angelus when Buffy breaks his curse by sleeping with him."

"I find that hard to believe," Giles said with a frown.

"And fairly nauseating," Xander added.

"It's verifiable," the cat replied, hopping off the table and stretching his legs.

"And easily done," Giles agreed. "If this does pan out it could change everything!"

"That's the plan," Xander-cat agreed. "I have a lot of plans for how this loop should go!"

The doors to the library opened, as Buffy and Willow arrived.

"Kitty!" Buffy squealed, as she rushed over to pet the black cat, who started purring and walked against her ankles. "Who's a pretty pussy, who's a pretty pussy?" Buffy cooed, knowing it would amuse her friends and embarrass Giles.

The cat stopped purring and looked directly upwards. "I'd say you, but truthfully you could use a trim down there."

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo **

Xander woke up and shut off the alarm, once again human. "That was a short loop. Note to self: Never tell Buffy she needs a trim down there."

**Typing by Falkun (who once again is doing this at work instead of working)**


	28. Chapter 28

**Turnstile Jumper 2**

The Mirror of Erised had a large crack running down the center of it. On the right side, he saw a dark haired boy standing on a dragon, wielding a sword; while on the left he saw... Karen in a wedding dress while he wore a tuxedo. He didn't see who the groom was but that wasn't the important part. The important part was the fact that she was clearly happy.

Kenny's eyes lingered on Karen's smiling face for a moment before he turned away. He knew what his greatest desire was, in his last life and in this one, so none of it came as a big surprise.

A drop of liquid metal dripped from the crack in the mirror, turning into a bottle cap as it hit the ground. Kenny picked it up and suddenly knew how to tie a Windsor knot properly.

Apparently the mirror was the remains of Voldemort's horcrux, Harry having taken the soul fragment with him. The litter scattered about the parking lot was Voldemort's memory and power, slowly leaking out of the mirror.

Kenny wondered what he should do about it. Voldemort no doubt had skills and knowledge that would be invaluable in his new life, but he knew not all knowledge was useful or even safe to know.

Before he could come to a decision, he was shaken awake by Hagrid.

"Mornin', Harry. Ready for some breakfast?" the gentle half-giant asked cheerfully.

"Morning, Hagrid. I could eat a horse with some ketchup," Harry replied cheerfully.

"I just got some tea and biscuits with me," Hagrid admitted. "Tom at the Leaky Cauldron might have some and we can just make it in time for breakfast if we hurry."

"Sounds good to me," Harry agreed, letting things follow his memories for the moment as the two made small talk and he got Hagrid talking about items sold in Diagon Alley, so he could have an excuse for knowing about them and buying them later.

Harry considered it idiotic the way his older self had ignored the possible uses of magical items, both in the magical and mundane worlds. Anyone with half a brain could see the potential in using magical items, which pretty much limited it to a dozen people tops in this world.

"Hey, Hagrid?" Harry asked as they left the cabin.

"Yeah, Harry?" Hagrid replied as they climbed into the boat, Hagrid being careful not to tip it over.

"I haven't been fed right and I'm a lot weaker than I should be for my age," Harry told him.

"The food at Hogwarts will sort you out right quick," Hagrid assured him. "Wizards don't need a lot of strength, they got magic."

"I know, but just to boost my self-confidence a bit, do you know anyone who has Re'em blood for sale?" Harry asked casually.

"I suppose I know someone who might have some," Hagrid allowed. "A bit pricey though."

"I don't need a lot," Harry assured him. "At my size it wouldn't take much."

Hagrid chuckled. "You got a point there."

They traveled the muggle way through London and Harry spent most of the trip explaining things to Hagrid, who didn't spend a lot of time in the muggle world, and doing a much better job than anyone ever had before, if Hagrid's expression was anything to go by. He seemed amazed at everything Harry said.

"... but most cabbies know at least one or two hookers they refer their customers to, usually getting a kick back and at least a hand job out of the deal, which is why cab prices are usually pretty reasonable," Harry explained as they arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.

Hagrid was so stunned at Harry's explanation that he didn't clue Tom (the barman at the Leaky Cauldron) in to who Harry was, so they ate a late breakfast in peace without a crowd of people bugging them.

Harry was a quarter of the way through his steak before he realized it wasn't beef, but horse didn't taste half bad so he continued eating. "That was a good steak," Harry said once he finished it.

"Never had it before, but it was good," Hagrid agreed. "We're here earlier than I thought we'd be, but everything should still be open."

"Be nice to poke around a little and get my glasses fixed," Harry said, tapping the beaten-up and taped-together pair he was wearing.

"Best go to Gringotts first then," Hagrid said. "That way you've got the money to pay for your stuff."

They exited the back door of the Leaky Cauldron and Hagrid tapped a sequence of bricks in the dead end alley behind it to open the portal to the Alley proper.

Despite having old Harry's memories of the place, Harry found himself gazing about in wonder, much as old Harry had the first time he'd seen it. However, unlike last time, he was going to take advantage of the place.

"Gringotts is run by goblins," Hagrid explained. "Nice enough people as long as you deal with them honestly."

"Better than most bankers then," Harry said as they walked down the alley like a toy boat behind a cruise liner, the early morning crowd parting around them.

"Bit hard to follow what they mean at times," Hagrid admitted, "and they get a mite upset at having to explain things more than once. Not big on politeness or delays."

"Gotcha," Harry said, pretending he didn't already know how to deal with them as they came within sight of the large silver doors engraved with a poem warning off thieves. "Work quickly and don't use time wasting politeness."

Harry ignored the guards in front of the bank as they entered. "Key?" he asked Hagrid as they got in line.

"Got it somewhere," Hagrid said, patting himself down and going through his pockets 'til he found a small gold key that he handed to Harry.

When they got to the head of the line, Hagrid stepped forward. "Need to see Harry to his vault and I'm on a job from Dumbledore to get the you-know-what from vault 713."

"Key," the teller demanded.

Harry promptly set his key on the counter in front of the goblin, who picked it up and examined it before nodding. "Griphook!" he called out, summoning another goblin. "Vault 687 and then 713." He handed the key to the goblin who turned and strode off.

"Follow!" he snapped out.

Going from what appeared to be a posh bank to a roller-coaster ride designed for 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' amused the hell out of Harry.

"I hate these things. They always make me nauseous," Hagrid admitted as they climbed into the mining cart.

"Close your eyes, plug your nose, and blow 'til we reach the end," Harry suggested.

"Keep your limbs inside until we stop," Griphook ordered as he took a seat in the very front of the cart and pulled a lever, sending the cart rocketing down the track.

When they reached Harry's vault, Hagrid let go of his nose and opened his eyes. "That helped," he said, looking only a little pale.

Harry climbed out of the cart and skipped asking questions as his older self had, knowing goblins didn't like wasting time when he should be getting his gold from his vault. Once in his vault, he made sure to scoop up quite a bit more gold than he had in the original timeline as he planned to spend quite a bit more. He stepped out of his vault scarcely a minute after he entered it. "Let's go," he said.

Griphook closed and locked the vault, returning the key to Harry before hopping in the cart and taking them to vault 713, which was a short trip. This vault took several minutes to unlock and Hagrid was very cautious as he entered it and was mumbling to himself as he carefully walked to the sole item in the apparently otherwise empty vault.

"I noticed the poem on the main doors," Harry said, since they had some time to kill and he wasn't wasting the goblin's time, but Hagrid's. "Do a lot of magics use rhymes?"

"Humans have lost the touch of it," Griphook replied, "but we goblins never have. Poetry is the soul of our magic and makes our wards well neigh unbreakable!"

"I always thought it was just a way to charm yourself into a girl's knickers," Harry admitted.

"Find the right rhyme and it's good for that too," Griphook agreed with a toothy grin.

Harry thought about it for a second and then tried his hand at a quick bit of verse partially based on his encyclopedic knowledge of dirty limericks, not noticing the shocked look on Griphook's face as he finished with: "-it may fold against steel, but your maidenhead will yield, as it's certainly the key to that lock!"

Hagrid stepped out of the vault and wiped the sweat from his forehead, relieved to have successfully retrieved the small leather pouch he had in his pocket, not even noticing the goblin urgently scribbling down something on a piece of parchment. "Glad that's done. I could really use a pint now."

"I could go for one myself," Harry agreed, causing Hagrid to laugh and clap Harry on the back, knocking him flat.

"Ok, two pints!" Harry said from the ground.

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	29. Chapter 29

**Foxy Lady**

"Well, that was no good," Anya said as the spell collapsed and she still didn't have her amulet. "You may have a lot of power, but you don't have the experience or the control to wield it properly."

Willow lay on the classroom floor, exhausted. "I can do it, just let me catch my breath."

"No, you are years away from having the control necessary to help me," Anya disagreed. "I'll have to look for help elsewhere." That said, the former demoness got up, collected her things and left without a backwards glance.

"You're welcome," Willow muttered with a frown as the door closed, leaving her alone in the empty classroom.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander stopped in mid-sentence, turned and looked around the library.

"Something amiss?" Wesley asked.

Xander was so distracted he didn't even make is usual snide comment towards the replacement watcher. "I felt something…familiar, but…animalistic."

Buffy stopped her spar with Faith and eyed Xander warily.

"Do you feel as if the primal might be returning?" Giles ask cautiously.

"No." Xander shook his head. "This was female and searching for something?" Xander finished, unsure.

"What's got everyone so tense?" Faith asked, seeing how both Buffy and Giles were watching Xander like he might explode at any moment.

"I was possessed, devoured the school mascot alive, the rest of the pack ate the principal, and then I body-checked the man responsible into a pit of hyenas where he was eaten alive, no big," Xander said bluntly. "The alpha was…very territorial, but not very human."

"You were possessed by the alpha primal?" Wesley asked doubtfully.

Xander gave Wesley a look that actually made him back up a step. "You wanna go a few rounds, Mr. 'I staked a vamp under controlled conditions'?"

Buffy leapt across the room and wrapped her arms around Xander, pinning his arms to his sides.

"Xander, this isn't you, fight it!" Buffy ordered.

Xander didn't struggle at all as he replied, "Hug me all you want, in fact I encourage it, but this isn't going to change the fact that I want to punch his teeth down his throat when he acts like an asshat."

"I don't think he's possessed, Buffy," Giles said. "Nor is Wesley's immature derision of what others have gone through undeserving of some form of chastisement."

"Translation?" Buffy asked.

"I'm not possessed and Wesley deserves a beating," Xander replied. "Mind letting me go now?"

"I think I'll hang on to you for now," Buffy decided.

"Fine, but let me turn around," Xander said, wiggling 'till he was facing Buffy.

"And what did that accomplish?" Buffy asked.

"Well, as soon as I get my arms free I'm going to hug you," Xander said solemnly.

"Good luck on getting out of my hold, mister," Buffy said with a smile.

Xander looked down at Buffy and grinned evilly. "Where are my hands?"

"What?" Buffy asked before bursting out laughing as Xander tickled her. Being a slayer didn't help with this battle as Xander quickly freed himself and tickled the short blonde into submission.

"I'm not possessed, come on, say I'm not possessed!" Xander ordered as he tickled her.

"Fine, you're not possessed!" Buffy exclaimed, dodging his hands.

"Children," Giles said with a faint smile.

"Regardless, I have serious doubts a boy such as this could survive a primal empowerment, much less an alpha one," Wesley insisted.

"I think we've already shown that your opinion is less than accurate involving local events and that your judgment is similarly flawed," Giles said, looking at Wesley over the top of his glasses.

"Translation?" Xander asked Buffy jokingly.

"We aren't blowing smoke up your ass, keep up the attitude and we'll let 'the boy' put you down," Buffy replied.

"Not remotely correct, but accurate all the same," Giles said.

"But back on topic," Xander said, "it felt like-"

The doors to the library opened as Willow entered.

"-her," Xander finished.

"Willow, have you been up to something we should know about?" Giles asked.

The suddenly guilty look Willow had spoke louder than words.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" a vampire said as he spotted a red-haired girl dressed in some sort of cosplay outfit slinking though the alley.

Willow spun around and saw the cocky vamp approaching, with an arrogant swagger. "Burn," she said, snapping her fingers.

"AAAARRGGhhh…" the vampire screamed briefly as he went up like a kerosene-soaked roman candle.

Ignoring the ashes blowing around the alley behind her, the redhead continued following the trail of her target. She'd thought he was gone, forever beyond her reach, but something had happened and the world had changed around her, and now she could sense him once more.

Twin tails waving behind her, the kitsune continued tracking her prey.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**AN: Making Wishverse Willow a vampire every time just seems like a waste of a good plothook. How about Pokegirl Willow for a change? **

**Typing by ElrodAlbino**


	30. Chapter 30

**Miss Enchanted**

Xander returned home after a long day at the office and his wife, Tara, greeted him at the door with a smile and a kiss, taking his hat and briefcase. "Hard day at work dear?" she asked.

"Somewhat," he admitted. "Started off rather rocky, but once I hit my groove, the clients were tickled pink. I think I even inspired a couple of new product lines."

"That sounds wonderful!" she told him with a bright smile. "Dinner will be ready in half an hour. Would you like a martini?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Alcohol just doesn't appeal to me right now. Would you like help with dinner?"

"If you like," she replied, leading him to the kitchen.

As the two worked on dinner together, it almost felt like they were newlyweds again, with the way they would take every opportunity to brush against one another or just exchange glances.

"You are very affectionate tonight," she noted with a smile.

Xander wrapped his arms around her from behind and brushed her hair to the side so he could kiss the nape of her neck, causing her to shiver. "I seem to have been bewitched," he teased.

***POOF***

"Which is rather ironic, since you won't let her use magic," an older woman with red hair and a floral Mumu said, as she appeared out of nowhere.

"Mother!" Tara complained.

"Endora, must you pop in and tell us things we already know in the middle of a romantic moment?" Xander demanded.

"What?" Endora asked shocked as the three considered what he'd said.

"Honey?" Tara asked him, concern in her eyes.

"Endora has a point, I've just been too stubborn to admit it," he said, sounding a bit surprised himself. "I didn't fall in love with a mortal woman, I fell in love with a witch."

"So you want me to use magic to do everything from now on?" she asked, concerned.

"I want you to do things whichever way you feel like," he told her. "Mortal, magic, some new way only you know, just as long as you're happy with it."

"In that case," she paused to give him a peck on the lips, "you set the table and I'll be right out with the meat loaf."

"Yes, dear," he said with a smile as he left the kitchen.

Tara turned to her speechless mother with a smug little grin. "You were saying, mother?"

"OK, my judgment of him may have been a bit off," she admitted. Outwardly, Endora smiled while inwardly she worried, because something had changed, and she had no idea what. "It's nice to find he's learned to listen to those older and wiser than himself. Well, I have a canasta game with aunt Eidith, so I'll leave you to it."

***POOF***

Tara twitched her nose, instantly cooling the oven down before she put on a pair of oven mitts. Seeing her husband grow as a person made her want to sing!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Willow, what did you do?" Buffy demanded.

"I'll tell you what she did, Slayer," Spike growled out, pissed off at finding himself and losing Randy, who'd had a father and a destiny to be proud of. "She wiped our bleedin' minds!" Not that he'd ever admit he had liked having Giles as a father and seeing himself as a vampire who'd overcome his base nature.

"I-I-" Willow stuttered out in shame.

"Why did Xander and Tara vanish?" Dawn demanded, grabbing everyone's attention. "There was a flash of light and they were gone!"

"Tara probably instinctively cast something to protect herself and caught Xander in it, the two were standing right next to one another," Giles said, reluctantly releasing Anya's hand as he realized he was still holding it.

"Didn't you say teleporting on the Hellmouth was bad?" Buffy asked, happy to push aside the conflicting feelings for Spike and anger at Willow, to deal with something (anything!) else.

"Yes, unless proper precautions are taken you could end up…well, almost anywhere," Giles admitted.

"I'm guessing instinctive teleportation doesn't include those," Anya stated bluntly.

"Oh, Goddess!" Willow moaned as the enormity of the situation hit her.

"When you say anywhere…" Buffy trailed off.

"I mean it quite literally," Giles said. "Anywhere, anywhen. A blind teleport on an active Hellmouth has very few limitations, if any."

"Can we find them?" Dawn asked.

"I- I don't know," Giles said quietly.

**Typed By: Elrod Albino (Who can't stop picturing Amber Benson in the slave of the lamp outfit.)**


	31. Chapter 31

**Sleepless 3**

**Part One : Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 9**

**Part Two : ****Yet Still Even More Fragments Chapter 25  
**

Alex heard someone climbing up the trellis before they tapped on the window and he cautiously opened the curtain to see whom it was, as it was after nightfall. A familiar face smiled at him out of the dark. Even though he knew he shouldn't, Alex opened the window.

"Not going to invite me in, Bro?" Jesse asked.

"It's good to see you," Alex admitted, not answering him.

"Good to see you too," Jesse agreed. "Of course it'll be better when I turn you and you become my brother for all eternity."

"Still working on ending you here," Alex told him. "I'm working hard on getting strong enough to let you rest in peace."

"You are looking fitter," Jesse allowed. "Of course that just means you'll be an even more kick ass vampire."

"I suppose I would," Alex agreed. "But we aren't exactly going to agree on that subject, so why have you come by?"

"Just came by to say hi and see what you were up to," Jesse said, "see if you'd change your mind, but really just touching base."

"Joined the swim team to build up strength and stamina," Alex told him. "Seems to keep the Snyder off my back and all the jocks as well."

"Wish we'd known that earlier," Jesse said. "I mean, now I don't have that problem of course, but in school they were a pain."

"No more school for you," Alex said.

"The only thing I miss is the cheerleaders," Jesse assured him.

"Cheerleading tryouts are in a couple of days," Alex said. "And speaking of which, I'm surprised you haven't gone after Cordelia like you were talking about outside the Bronze that night."

"I was going to, but I thought about it and let me just say you distracting me that night was a real lifesaver, no pun intended, because if I had turned her... Well, now that I've seen how some girls respond to being turned and the thought of an even bitchier Cordelia Chase who would be with me till the end of time... staking would be a mercy."

"Glad to be of service," Alex said dryly, but obviously amused.

"Yeah, definitely pillage then burn situation there," Jesse said. "Sadly there is always a crowd of people around her and I've been order to lay low."

"Sucks to be you," Alex replied.

"Actually for once in my life it doesn't," Jessie said cheerfully. "Well, I gotta split. Fist bump?"

Alex reflexively brought his fist up to meet Jesse's, but Jesse pulled his fist back causing Alex to overextend and stick his arm outside. Quick as a flash Jesse tried to grab Alex's arm, but just as fast Alex jerked it back inside.

Jesse rubbed his fingertips where they'd brushed against Alex's skin. "You are going to be an awesome vampire," he said with a combination of pride and hunger in his eyes.

Alex carefully held up his fist with just the knuckles touching the threshold. Jesse bumped fists with him. "I'll see you dead," Alex promised.

"Right back at ya," Jesse agreed. "Being dead rocks!" After a moment of silence he felt compelled to say, "The whole 'brothers forever' thing didn't sound too gay did it, cause I really didn't mean it that way."

Alex nodded. "You were bitten by a vampire not Harmony, you crave blood not cock."

Jesse laughed and called out, "Later bro!" as he leapt off the trellis taking the ten foot drop like someone stepping off the curb and vanished into the night.

Alex closed the window and went to bed, promising himself he'd work even harder to put Jesse back in the grave, just like he was sure his friend would do for him.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Alex was bench pressing one eighty, which wasn't a lot compared to some of the members of the football team that were in the Gym with him, but unlike them he'd been doing it for over forty minutes and didn't look to be stopping any time soon.

The only person who'd noticed was probably Amy, who was wondering if it was possible to drown in your own drool. She'd spent the last ten minutes figuring out a plan of attack as she did stretches and wondered how much stamina Alex actually had.

As Alex stopped to wipe the sweat from his face, she made her move. "Man, don't you look hot and sweaty," she said offering him a towel and a bottle of water.

"Low weight, high reps," Alex told her as she straddled the bench in front of him, her workout clothes strategically positioned to draw his attention.

"I know what you mean," she agreed stretching in such a way that one of her breasts almost managed to escape its spandex prison. "Of course that does leave you in danger of getting cramps unless you massage the muscles thoroughly before you shower and cool off," she told him.

"Really?" he asked having not thought about it before but having a hard time thinking about it as he was seriously distracted by nearly everything about Amy at the moment.

"Oh yeah," she assured him. "And I hate leg cramps. Would you mind giving me a hand?"

"Sure," Alex agreed.

"Let's use the girl's locker room," Amy said. "I'm the last girl here and I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression by using the boy's locker room."

"Of course," Alex agreed, barely paying attention to what was being said, as her smell was proving to be as distracting as her body and something he had no experience with and thus no resistance to.

Amy took his hand and led him off, pressing herself against him and claiming she'd twisted her ankle a bit, while inside she was cheering.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"How did cheerleading tryouts go?" Giles asked, trying to be encouraging to cover for his earlier gaff when he'd tried to discourage her involvement in the whole affair.

"They went ok," Buffy said with a sigh as a disappointed Willow trudged in behind her.

"You didn't make the team?" Giles asked, hiding behind a book to cover the hope in his eyes.

"They gave the last spot to someone who wasn't as good," Willow grumbled, "just because she's dating..."

"I admit that was definitely a factor," Buffy said, "But she also wanted it more. She was enjoying showing off for her boyfriend so she got points for attitude... and dating a member of the sports team. School spirit, Ra!" Buffy said and made a pathetic attempt at a fist pump.

"You were better," Willow said firmly.

"I just wanted to show that I could be a cheerleader if I wanted to," Buffy said. I... didn't actually want to be one."

"Do I have to pretend to be happy or sad here?" Giles asked completely in the dark.

"Be happy, I accomplished my goal, showing I still have what it takes," Buffy said.

"Then congrats for not making the team," Giles said obviously still confused and having given up all hope of understanding her.

"Do you think he's happy? He looked happy," Willow said.

"He looked happy," Buffy carefully agreed, not wanting to upset willow.

"Happy... and safe," Willow said like it was her new mantra before shaking off her depression. "So... what are we working on now?"

Seeing the two needed some distracting, Giles was quick to offer, "I was going to go over Vampire weakness and habits and how they've changed over the last century."

"I thought t was fire, sunlight, decapitation, and stake," Buffy said. "There are more?"

"Magic, faith, and physical attacks in general," Giles added. "And while the weaknesses and ways to harm them haven't changed, the availability of the tools needed has."

"People didn't carry around swords as often and fire is a lot easier to use," Willow guessed.

"It's the opposite actually," Giles corrected. "Peasants weren't allowed swords and nearly all of them kept a fire burning at home and used torches for light."

"And today fire is a bit more thin on the ground, but swords are easy to get, though frankly most of them are crap," Buffy said.

"The tools to make fire are easily available," Willow said as she thought about it. "Lighters, hairspray, flammable stuff. We could use fire if we wanted to."

Giles nodded, glad he'd gotten the two properly distracted and continued with the discussion, silently praying that he wouldn't have to deal with this kind of drama all that often.

And on a higher plane a number of beings started to laugh.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: Well, this 'higher being' is laughing.**


	32. Chapter 32

**Mission to Mars**

Halloween had come and gone, leaving Xander with a head full of memories that their owners had probably tried to forget. If you added those to his memories of hunting on four legs across the African savannah, it was a wonder he even slept at all these days, but for some reason it wasn't nearly as traumatizing as he thought it should be. Taken as a whole, there was a certain symmetry to it all, life and death, predator and prey. Even when you added in demons in it all seemed like a natural process to him.

Xander collected his books from his locker and didn't even notice one of the jocks pretending to swing at him, trying to make him flinch. Pissed at being ignored, the jock pulled back his fist and actually swung at Xander, who dropped down to tie his shoe.

Having tied his shoe, Xander stood back up and headed for class, completely missing the drama behind him as the jock had punched the locker hard enough to leave a dent and injure himself.

Snyder opened his mouth to snap at Xander but found himself with nothing to say, as Xander was about as connected to events as a piece of litter on the ground, his presence seemed entirely incidental.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"We're all here," Superman said as he and Batman arrived fresh from helping out firefighters in India.

"Why are we meeting?" Wonder Woman asked.

"Because War is being reborn," Jason Blood explained.

"I wasn't aware Ares was dead," The Martian Manhunter said.

"Not Ares," Constantine clarified, "Mars."

"What?" chorused several of the assembled JLU members.

"Mars, the god of war, has been reborn, and is awakening to take up his mantel," Jason Blood explained.

"Just what we need, another war god," Flash groaned.

"That was Ares' view as well, which was why he killed him," Constantine said.

"Ok, I'm confused," Flash admitted. "Is anyone else confused?"

"Ares assassinated Mars roughly a century ago," Dr. Fate explained. "However, Mars is not so easily disposed of. Mars has been reborn, and will be assuming his mantel, hence Mars, currently a mortal somewhere, is being reborn."

"How does this effect things?" Batman asked, wanting the bottom line.

"We don't know," Constantine admitted. "But you can be sure Ares will be trying to off him again, so you might want to be on your toes in case he tries to rope you into helping him."

"Why shouldn't we help him?" Wonder Woman asked. "Ares is hardly our favorite person, but I don't see how having two war gods active on this plane would improve matters any. With just one war god there is more than enough bloodshed going on in the world to drive many to despair."

The mystically inclined individuals exchanged glances before Zatanna finally said, "That's up to each member to decide for themselves, we just wanted to make you aware what was going on."

"What is Mars like?" Superman asked.

"He's a war god," Constantine said. "That pretty much says it all."

"Hardly," Dr. Fate said dryly. "I always found Mars much more reasonable to deal with than Ares, however a lot of how he acts this cycle will depend on what his life was prior to rebirth."

"Meaning if he is a serial killer or super villain we could have a real problem on our hands," Green Lantern spoke up.

"Which is where I come in," Ares said as he appeared out of nowhere. "I believe all of you would agree that this earth has more than enough wars on its plate at the moment. I'd like your help to perform a ritual to suppress Mars for a couple more years."

"I thought you wanted to kill him?" Batman asked, showing no surprise at the god's appearance.

"I do, but I'm poorly positioned to do so at this moment, so another couple of years of peace before we go to war with one another would be very welcome. For you too, I imagine," Ares said.

The members exchanged glances and murmured comments for a couple of minutes before Superman spoke for the group. "This just delays his ascension, it won't kill him correct?"

"My sworn word on it," Ares agreed. "It won't even weaken him, just put him to sleep for a few more years, which will give all of you more time to train more heroes for the inevitable battle between us. Just ask yourselves, considering the tension in the world today, does it need more conflict at the moment? This will simply allow me the time to insure the battle will be limited to the two of us, not a worldwide confrontation between our respective offices and forces."

It took another hour for the league to come to an agreement.

"What does the ritual entail?" Superman asked.

**A little over half a decade later…**

Xander paused and turned to face the rising sun. Something felt different, he decided as he scratched beneath his eyepatch.

And Mars awoke.

**Typing by Elrod Albino**

**AN: This was just my idea for a plot hook I got when I thought about the connection between 'Mars wielding a red sword' and 'Mother Nature red in tooth and claw'.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Cousins **

"What?" Xander asked, not sure if he'd heard her correctly.

"I said, I'm Sandra Tarnhelm from the American Ministry of Magic, Mr. Harris. I'm here regarding a custody hearing for your 13 year old cousin," the young woman in the black dress repeated.

"There are several things wrong with that statement," Xander replied. "Want to guess what they are?"

The woman groaned. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Not a one," Xander said, waving for her to enter his motel room.

"You don't know anything about magic?" Sandra asked.

"Magic is about the only thing you've mentioned that I do have knowledge of," he admitted.

"You know of magic but not the wizarding world?" she asked confused.

"Exactly," he replied. "Most of my experience comes from stopping rogue magic users, like Mayor Wilkins who tried to ascend into a pure blood demon just last week."

"What?!"

"Not important," Xander said waving it off. "He's dead"

"Could you provide evidence of that?" Sandra asked hopefully.

"What kind of evidence?" Xander asked.

"A copy of your memories would be best, but a sworn oath would be acceptable," Sandra offered.

"How do you copy memories?" Xander asked curiously.

"I place my wand at your temple, you visualize the memory you wish for me to extract, and I simply pull wand away with a copy of your memory strand attached," she explained. "A magical item called a pensieve is used to view the memory at a later date."

"You just want the final battle where he turned into a snake demon, right?" Xander asked.

"And his death," she agreed.

Xander closed his eyes as she placed the wand against his temple and after giving him a couple of seconds to focus, pulled the wand away with what looked to be a strand of quicksilver attached that she quickly deposited into a crystal vial.

"That felt a little freaky," Xander said shaking his head.

"Yes, it does," she agreed. "But back to my original purpose. I am here because your 13 year old cousin is the subject of a custody hearing and the American Ministry of Magic would really prefer if you won."

"I'm hardly the best person to raise a 13 year old boy," Xander said, "I'm barely an adult myself."

"The other party involved does not have your cousin's best interests at heart," Sandra told him, "they aim to see him dead for their own purposes."

"Tell me more," Xander ordered.

"Well it all started a little over a decade ago..."

**Several hours later**

"That is majorly fucked up," Xander said, once she'd finished briefing him. "But I lack the home, hearth, and cash to raise a teen."

"The Ministry is willing to provide funds and pull strings to insure that that is taken care of well in advance, Mr. Harris."

"Call me Xander," he told her. "Now you've told me a lot, but not what the American Ministry's interest in all of this is."

"That's easy enough to answer," she said "we have several prophecies that place your cousin against one of the many Dark Lords England produces, and we'd like him to win. While we don't have the same separation of magical from non-magical people that they do, we would like to avoid the witch hunts that a war between the two would spark."

"Enlightened self-interest," Xander said with a nod. "That I can work with."

"So, you'll do it Mr.- I mean Xander?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure," he agreed. "I'll need a house in Sunnydale and some additional resources, but I'm more than willing to take in my cousin."

"That is such a relief!" she enthused. "The hearing is in three days and you have a lot to learn to be ready in time," she explained.

**American Ministry of Magic**

"There was something that you wanted brought to our attention?" Hancock, the head of the foreign affairs department, asked as he entered her office.

Sandra nodded. "The memory strand I received from Xan- Mr. Harris, contains some things I think you should see, as well as a couple of anomalies," she reported.

"You don't say," the gray haired man, who looked to be in excellent condition despite his age, said with some interest.

"Yes, sir"

"I believe you're working on the Potter case with Johnson?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well, let's see it," he said.

She gestured to the pensieve on her desk. "Already set up, sir"

The two leaned over the bowl and the world around them vanished in a swirl of silver, leaving the pair standing at Sunnydale High's Graduation Ceremony.

They watched events unfold as the Mayor transformed, the vampires attacked, and the students defended themselves. All entrancing sights on their own, but they were drawn to where Xander stood shouting out orders during the battle... and the numerous misty shadows that surrounded him. Sometimes a figure would come into focus for a moment as Xander did something, only to fade away a second later.

The memory ended and the two sat quietly in her office, digesting what they'd just watched.

"Contact the Amerind Council," Hancock ordered. "He looks like a natural Shaman."

"Did you see the shades of the dead, sir?" she asked quietly.

"There is no such thing as a natural necromancer and he's clearly untutored," Hancock said finally.

"Officially?" she asked cautiously.

"That's the _official_ word," he stressed.

"And the Potter case, sir?" Sandra asked.

"He's still a damn sight better than any other option available," Hancock answered her "If anything Harris practicing Amerind style magic would just improve matters, and it looks like he'll have to; talent like that demands to be used."

"Yes, sir. I'll continue with the adoption paperwork," she said, relieved.

**Typing by: Shirinoki**


	34. Chapter 34

**Another Spin**

Xander blinked and looked around. The loop had reset itself abruptly, for no reason he could tell, and now he appeared to be in England.

"Kitty!" a blonde girl called out and Xander felt himself being picked up and cuddled by a young girl. He was a Mau again. He'd thought everything looked bigger.

"You can't just pick up stray cats, Honey," an older man in a bright blue and green robe told her, apparently the girl's father.

"I'm not Honey, I'm Luna, daddy," the girl corrected him. "And he's not a stray, he's my cat now."

Selene rolled her eyes at her family's antics.

"In fact, he's my familiar!" Luna decided.

Noting the British accents, Xander decided he must be in England. Normally, when he ended up on another continent, it was a fused loop, but not always, so he'd have to see how this played out.

"If he's your familiar, then he'll follow you around without being carried," her father said in a smug tone, clearly believing he'd won the argument.

Luna set Xander down and looked at him, her large grey eyes pleading. "You'll follow me, right?"

Xander sat down and waited.

Luna cautiously took a step away from him.

Xander stood up, moved a step closer to her, and sat down.

Luna's parents watched in surprise as she and her new familiar quickly became embroiled in a game of follow the leader with the black and white cat copying everything she did.

"He's either her familiar or extremely intelligent," Selene said. "Either way, I'd say Luna has a cat."

"I suppose so," Xenophilius agreed, with a grin.

Luna took Xander home and by that point it was a no-brainer to tell where he was. Xander was in a Harry Potter loop. Not wanting to make waves, he tried not to alter things too much…honest!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Ron snorted. He'd had to put up with Ginny's stupid friend Luna all say. He was nine, dammit, he shouldn't have to put up with stupid girls, and everyone knew they had the pox. He'd taken to calling her Looney when his mom couldn't hear, and her stupid cat had growled at him!

At least the cat was smart enough to realize when she was being insulted, Loony didn't seem to notice at all, even though Ginny glared at him. Tired of putting up with them and their crazy ideas of what games to play, Ron retreated to his room only to stare in shock at Luna's cat sitting on top of a severed horse's head that was laying on his pillow!

Ron was not what one would call insightful, but the look the cat was giving him was easy to interpret.

Ron wet himself and fainted.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Looking at the ritual Selene had set up, Xander frowned. His memories of magic from the Moon Kingdom told him their magic was deeply rooted in ritual, and from what he saw this ritual was almost fatally flawed. Fortunately, it also looked to be easy to interrupt. Satisfied that he could save Selene when it became necessary, Xander hopped down from the table and waited.

Selene Lovegood finished writing and double-checked her rune work. 'Looks good,' she decided. Taking one last look around, she spotted Xander and went to pick him up, but he dodged away from her reaching hands. "Come on now kitty, I can't leave you underfoot while I work, it's too dangerous."

After about ten more attempts, Selene finally whipped out her wand and levitated Xander out of the room, ignoring his yowling and clawing at the air.

***SLAM***

Xander growled as the door slammed shut. He knew what was going to happen, but had no way to stop it! He could feel the ritual begin, and started to panic. He'd grown to like the Lovegoods in the months he'd been there, and the thought of Selene dying as she had in canon and the effect it would have on her family was horrifying.

Attracted by her familiar's yowls, Luna found the panicking cat clawing at the door. "What's the matter, kitty?"

Xander spun around and his worried eyes met Luna's. Ever since the start of this loop his magic had felt off, depriving him of most of his bag of tricks, including speech. Having no other choice, Xander attempted a mind meld.

He flubbed it badly. Instead of sharing his current thoughts with her, he accidentally forged a connection between both of them and the moon itself. A silver crescent appeared on Luna's forehead and silver fire outlined both their bodies as she threw back her head and screamed.

Luna turned and punched the door to her mother's workshop, shattering it like it was made of spun sugar.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander relaxed on top of Luna's bed as she packed for Hogwarts.

"Should I bring my boots?" Luna asked. "I might get a chance to go hiking in the forest."

Xander sent a feeling of amusement through their link.

"I know I could just take everything," she said, "but I don't think I'll need everything!"

Xander napped while Luna packed. He'd already made sure all the essentials were packed so he didn't have to worry about her forgetting something important. He awoke as she picked him up to take him with her, but a quick transformation into a feathered serpent allowed him to sleep curled up around her neck like a feather boa. He'd spent the entire night placing protective enchantments on all of Luna's things in preparation for Hogwarts, so he was understandably tired.

Selene gently woke him when they arrived at the station. "You take good care of her, OK?"

Xander raised his feathered head and gave her a slow and obvious nod before tucking his head back under a coil and pretending to be a piece of clothing again.

"Any luck finding out what he is?" Selene asked her husband as they saw the pair onto the train.

"No, and even the most avid crypto zoologists just give me strange looks when I describe him," Xenophilius admitted. "There is no record of anything like him anywhere."

"Nothing in the ministry records either," Selene added. "Not even in my department." She didn't mention where she worked, as it was forbidden, but they both knew. "He reads like a powerful animagius, but not at all like a wizard, and his natural form is feline."

"Dear, it's been years, I think we can stop looking for answers. If there were any to be found, we'd have found them already," he said.

"Our daughter has a familiar bond to a strange and powerful creature of uncertain origins," Selene said with a sigh. "I'd feel better if I had some idea of what it was."

"Some things are just mysteries we'll never solve," Xenophilius told her. "What he is, is caring and protective of her, little else matters."

"I suppose you're right," she admitted. "But is it too much to ask that he be the familiar?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"This car looks good," Hermione said as she spotted a mostly empty compartment.

Harry and Ron, following her in, had just put away their trunks when Ron turned and saw Luna and squeaked much like Scabbers did when someone accidentally sat on him.

"Morning, Ron, and how are you?" Luna asked cheerfully.

"I-I'm good Miss Lovegood." Ron said politely, looking a bit pale.

**Typed by: Elrod Albino**


End file.
